One Day At A Time

I should have learned by now not to get too excited about Ron's recoveries. Shame on me. Christmas night at 9:00 p.m. I got another dreaded call from Reche Canyon telling me that they called 911 to take Ron back to the hospital. I guess he vomited and then aspirated on it and now he is back in ICU at Riverside Kaiser with aspiration pneumonia. He is doing well and although he had to be put back on the ventilator, they actually were able to take him off yesterday.

I don't know about anyone else, but throughout this "hell of a year", I have asked the Lord for specifics - He has indeed answered all of these prayers. I asked for Ron to get off the ventilator and he was taken off. I asked for the Lord to get Ron home and Ron was home for one week. I asked the Lord for Ron's salvation and I do believe Ron is saved. God answers prayers - He answered what I asked for. Yet - here we are back to square one again as has happened numerous times in the past twelve months.

I was there both times when Ron was a code blue - and both times they asked me if I wanted them to do life-saving measures on him. Of course I said "yes". I have begged the Lord to heal Ron and raise him off of that hospital bed. I have tried to force God's will to be my will. In other words, I have asked God to go along with me and do what I asked Him to do. Now, I don't think this is wrong. In the Bible it tells us to ask for anything and also the prayer of a righteous person availeth much. Not to say that I am righteous, but I do know that the Lord is the one constant and unfailing love of my life. Even when Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane asked His Heavenly Father for the cup to be taken from him, He ended the prayer with "nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt".

I now ask the Lord for things, but end with "not my will but thine be done". I get excited when Ron is better and I feel totally cast down when Ron gets worse. I am learning now to take "One Day at a Time". The Lord is in each and every day and I do trust Him with everything. I have to learn to be happy when Ron is better and not to fall apart when Ron gets worse. The Lord is with me throughout each episode and He is also there with Ron. One Day At A Time - The Lord tells me that he goes before me and he is with me and he will not forsake me - I am to fear not, neither be dismayed. One Day At A Time.

The Lord shelters us with His wings

Psalm 91:4, He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faith promises you armor and protection.

I love this photo - the Lord shelters us with His wings. He does protect us even in ways we don't understand. Praise the Lord!!!

Ron is doing well at Reche Canyon. He was able to actually eat a few bites of mashed potatos and ground up chicken. He had a speaking valve on the trach, so he was also able to speak to me. He is doing everything in his power to cooperate with the staff at Reche Canyon so he can get better and stronger to come home. I feel in my heart that this is God's will for him. He needs to come home.

I look at this photo of these adorable birds and know that the Lord is our shelter from hardships and misery. His love is unfailing and what an amazing miracle that He loves even me!!

Love

From Sandy -

I never thought I would live long enough to consider myself a burden to someone else. Well - guess that idea is changing. I won't tell you how old I am (pride I guess). But I know I have become a problem for my daughter. I have a son and daughter and my daughter has been there for me through the thick and thin of the past two years. These two years have been "nightmarish" to myself and then to Ron. My daughter has been there through everything and has been someone I could bounce ideas off of and also lean on. This probably was not the right thing for me to do, but I did lean on Lisa. Tonight I have come to the conclusion that I am burdening my daughter and it is affecting her mental health. She is not able to take on my problems, her problems, and her Dad's problems.

She informed me tonight that I was a "drama queen". She let me know that I was burdening her with my problems and she had enough problems of her own. She has been there for me and she has supported me, and it has been almost two years now that there has been a problem with me (the colon surgery) and then her Dad (the heart attack and on-going illnesses stemming from the heart attack). She has to work five days a week and told me that I was able to get up when I wanted to and not have to worry about a job. This is true - I don't work and have not been able to since the bank I worked at was closed. It seemed that after this happened, everything in my life and Ron's life went from good to bad. I found out I needed surgery - had the surgery - after recuperating from the surgery Ron had his heart attack and here we are a year from the time Ron was initially hospitalized. Today is December 18 and Ron was hospitalized with his heart attack last year on December 22.

I love Lisa so much and guess I am being a baby about being told I am a drama queen. I have tried to hold it all together - as has Lisa. We are both worn out and tired. Our lives have been drained due to the pain and suffering we have witnessed with Ron's health. I need to get over my self pity and get on with life.

But, tonight I am feeling so alone. I know for sure that I am not alone. I always have the Lord. He is with me right now while I am feeling sorry for myself. He knows the struggles I am going through and He will see me through them. Sometimes I think it is beneficial to break down and cry over all the pain, hurt, and suffering that has so deeply affected myself and my family. I love my daughter so very very much and any time I consider myself to be a problem to her, it genuinely affects me. I want to be the best Mother - not one that is a burden. I want to love and support and lift up - not tear down and cause hardship and pain. I am struggling tonight. Tomorrow is another day and things will be different. One thing for sure - nothing in life ever stays the same.

Ron is back at Reche Canyon Rehab. Center. Everyone is very good to him there and were glad to see him. I feel he is loved there and that's such a blessing in itself. Ron is also doing well. He is off of the ventilator, but he has lots of secretions in his lungs so he has to be suctioned alot. He also is on the peg tube and that is how he is being fed. The goal is still to get him home. He may never be able to eat regular food again if at all - but I know the Lord will take care of him. Ron's wish is to come home and eventually pass away at home. My desire is to fulfill his wish. I trust the Lord with all my heart and soul and although God knows what Ron and I want - I trust the Lord's will to be what is best for everyone.

I just ask Jesus to walk with me and guide my thoughts and actions as I seek to do His will and honor His commandments. We are to love one another and forgive and I pray that I never become so self-centered that it blinds me to how I might be negatively affecting someone else.

Serenity

From Sandy -

Ron is stable, but not off the ventilator. He looks healthy and his vital signs are good. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but today he is doing well.

There's been a change in Ron. He smiles instead of frowns and he doesn't seem to be as anxious as he once was. He wants to come home but he understands it will take time.

There is a serenity that envelops Ron that I have never seen before. He can't talk to me, but I think the Lord is making Himself known to Ron. Ron has indicated to me that he prays for himself. I told him there were many people praying for him and the Lord would listen to his prayers for help as well. Ron smiles at the nurses and always seems happy to see me. This has not always been the case. Many a time I would find Ron frowning and angry. I know that the Lord is working and moving in Ron's life. Ron has faced death several times in the past year. Yet, he pulls through - God has something in store for Ron and it will be great. Ron is fighting for his life and now he knows that the Lord is there to help him. He knows he is not fighting alone.

God bless Ron and keep him in His care!!!

The Lord is working

I know that I have shared with you how many times nurses, doctors, hospital employees and even Lisa have told me to make a decision regarding Ron's care and life. Of course, Lisa has a legitimate cause because she does not want to see her Dad suffer. Anyway, Doctor Shah came by (he is the Pulmonologist that has been seeing Ron and I really really like and respect him) and wanted to know how Ron was doing. I was in the room and I asked Doctor Shah if he would ask Ron what he wanted - life support - full code which is breathing on a ventilator, heart resuscitation, tube feeding, etc. etc. Ron told him (mouthed it and used his head to answer yes or no) and indicated that he does want full cardiac support if his heart stops and he also wants to be kept on the ventilator even if it means spending the rest of his life in the hospital. He emphatically let the doctor and I know that these were his wishes. Dr. Shah said he would immediately document this in Ron's chart. I have had so many people asking me to make a decision on Ron's life, and now Ron answered for himself and I don't have to be questioned any further. You cannot imagine what a relief this is. I could never make a decision whether Ron live or die - this is totally up to him because he has full faculty of his senses. I feel that this was a blessing from God and a burden lifted off of my shoulders. I am so glad that I asked the Doctor and he was able to communicate with Ron. Ron is o.k., but still on the ventilator. I think they are afraid to take him off after what happened with his latest Code Blue. His heart rate, blood pressure and oxygenation are all in the normal range, so now we just wait to see what God has in store for Ron. Ron loves the Lord and indicated that he does pray for himself. This is something wonderful and the Lord is working on Ron. God bless Ron Briddick and keep him in His care!!!

Flat-lined

From Sandy -

Ron flat-lined this afternoon. His heart rate kept dropping. He was put back on a ventilator after having been taken off. I witnessed him flat-lining and I screamed "he's dying". A code blue was called and a dozen doctors and nurses came in. They wanted to know if I wanted him resuscitated. I screamed "yes" "yes". How could I allow him to die before my eyes. A nurse pounded him on the chest and he came back. They think he had another heart attack, but only the blood tests will tell for sure.

One thing I have learned from all of this - no matter what Ron and I have been through or put each other through in our marriage, I love him with all my heart and all my soul. I love this man whom I have spent 43 years with. I love this man who is the father of my children. I love him and I have to turned him over to the Lord. I still don't understand what this is all about because on Wednesday the doctor was talking about sending him back to Reche Canyon for rehab. Ron was able to talk to me at that time and was asking me questions about home and his dogs and cats. He was doing so well - and then, today he actually died for a few moments. I have a horrible headache right now and I am just numb. It is actually very therapeutic for me to share my experiences with you. Thank you for reading these posts.

I am eternally with the Lord. The Lord is eternally with Ron. I asked Ron tonight if he had accepted Jesus as his personal Savior and he said "yes". Haleluliah - Ron is saved. I still have hope although it has received a serious blow today. I always have faith - truthfully, I don't understand why the highs and lows in Ron's illness, but I will always trust the Lord.

Our Father who art in heaven, hallow would be thy name. Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgives us our sins as we forgive those who have sinned against us. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil for thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever - a-men.

Perfect in Weakness

From Sandy -
During the eleven months of Ron's illness, I have demanded many things of God.  I asked for Ron's healing and for Ron to come home.  The Lord answered by healing Ron and allowing him to come home.  However, as you know, Ron landed back in ICU after one week of being home in nine months.  When Ron was laying once again in a hospital bed, I have to admit I questioned the Lord.  Why would He allow Ron to come home for only one week?  Why would He allow Ron to come once again to the brink of death?  The only answers I got from these questions were more questions.  I finally came to the decision that I had to stop asking God for anything and simply trust His will in Ron's life as well as my own.

I have been weak and have had no earthly person to turn to.  This illness as well as my own health, has brought me to my knees.  Many times I have screamed at Jesus to help.  Many times all I could ask for was H E L P!  I would take help in any manner it came in as long as it came from the Lord.  I was truly despairing and struggling to get through each and every day.  But, I found through the suffering that I went through that I was perfect in my weakness.  The Lord was able to talk to me and make me and mold me during the times when I was down.  He was my strength and my shield against all the misery and suffering that I was going through.  The Lord has had my full attention throughout all of this and and I am strong because of Him.  I have had to put my trust in the Lord - not in my own strength.  I have finally been able to get out of God's way and allowed Him to do his perfect work. 

Ron is once again on the road to recovery.  He is off of the ventilator for the most part and his vital signs are doing well - so are his kidneys.  He will probably be going to the Step Down Unit at the hospital and from there back to a Rehab. Center.  Evidently God is not through with Ron yet.  I still believe that the Lord will save his life to save his soul. 

I feel I have learned such a valuable lesson this time around.  Again, the Lord makes perfection out of our weaknesses when we finally are able to surrender to Him and trust Him completely for the outcome.

Some good news

Ron was taken off of the respirator yesterday. Also, a procedure was done to give him a peg tube in his stomach for feeding.  He was put back on the respirator for this procedure. He still has diarrhea, but he does not have pneumonia. He is definitely better. His vital signs have improved and his heart is beating regular once again. I've had no Grim Reapers come around within the past few days to tell me to "let him go". I think that's a good sign. If he continues to get better I foresee another trip to a rehab. center to get him to walk and use his hands and arms. He was able to suck on ice and swallow today. This is another positive action. It's still one day at a time, but there have been some forward trends in the past few days. God is in charge - I trust what He is doing - surely He has something left for Ron to do on this earth because there have been many opportunities for the Lord to have taken him.

I continue to trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not unto my own understanding.

An Awakening

From Sandy -

You know, my marriage to Ron has gone through alot of bumps in the road. Sometimes these bumps were big boulders, other times minor irritations. Ron and I have never been "friends". Maybe we should have never gotten married - who knows. However, we did get married and through all the "stuff" in our marriage, we have stayed together. There was one time I left Ron for three months, and one time he left me for a few months. But, we came back to each other.

It takes a crisis to realize just what you think of someone else. Having never thought of Ron as my friend, I always thought I could live just fine without him. Not having him here at home for all these many months (going on 11 months now), I find that I really do miss him. I have found out that I really do love him and I want the best for him. I have heard music that both of us used to listen to, and the sobs well up in my throat because I remember the special times we have had together. I look at him lying in that hospital bed and I see a gentle person who is fearful and who has been through hell and back. I don't think about the bad times we had in our marriage, I only see the love and the good times that we had.

I tell him constantly how much I love him. I hold his hand and try to assure him that everything will be o.k. I pray with him and tell him that his goal and mine is to get him home.

Right now, Ron has gotten over the pneumonia. His diarrhea is clearing up and his kidneys are working better - so is his heart. He is still on the ventilator, but again I am asking the Lord to get him off of it. I can't listen to what anyone is telling me to do except my heart and the Lord. I find it strange that most of the hospital personnel want me to make a decision to take Ron off of life support. I have been approached on this subject during the past months probably as many as 15 times. I cannot allow anyone to persuade me while Ron is fighting for his life. I must continue to seek the Lord in all decisions I make and honor Ron's will to live.

I love my husband and I miss him. It's funny that it took his horrible illness for me to realize just how much I love him.

I ask the Lord to keep him constantly in His care. I ask the Lord to be his breathing machine, not the ventilator. I ask the Lord to bring him home to me before He brings him home to heaven. I ask the Lord to touch Ron's heart and help him to know that He is Lord and Savior. I ask the Lord to lead Ron to salvation. I ask the Lord for all good things for my husband. May God bless Ron!!!

Change of Plans

From Sandy -

There has been a change in my thinking regarding Ron. One thing great about the Lord, He does allow us to to have our own free will, so we can change our minds.

I have shared that Ron has a fear of dying. He does not want to be taken off of the ventilator to pass away. I asked him and he nodded his head that he wanted to have a tracheotomy so the ventilator would be attached to his throat and not down his throat through his mouth. This would make it much safer for him to be on the vent and more comfortable for Ron. I had a Kaiser bio-ethics person try to talk me into just letting Ron go. I was convinced by him and others until a friend of mine told me that if Ron did not want to die, he should make his own decision about life support. After alot of thinking, tears and prayers, I knew that I could not and would not allow the doctors to take him off of the ventilator to die. I told them they should ask Ron. Ron still is capable of making decisions - he still is alert (unless drugged with morphine) and he responds to yes and no questions. How could I allow him to die when I know he is so fearful of death and I don't think he knows the Lord as his personal Savior.

There's a reason that Ron is still alive. The Lord wants to draw this lost lamb into his fold. He's not done with Ron yet. I know Ron is enduring suffering and misery, but this is his choice. And, I support his choice to live on life support. I prayed with him tonight before he had the procedure for his tracheotomy. He was frightened and I let him know that the Lord would be there to make everything o.k. I have always told him to pray for himself. I have always told him that Jesus loves him and gave his life for him. I don't know if Ron wants to hear this, but I know that I could not live with myself if I did not share salvation with Ron.

Life is still a struggle for both of us, but the Lord is with us. I have learned so much going through these trials. The Lord is with us and has not forsaken us. I trust Jesus to guide us and provide strength, love, hope and peace.

One last thought - I know that my beloved dog Alfie is in heaven and I'll see him again some day.

A broken heart

From Sandy -

I am sitting here tonight feeling vulnerable, alone and totally broken hearted. I tried so hard to keep my dog Alfie alive - I gave him dog aspirin, washed his bedding daily, fed him with food I mixed in a blender and then syringed into his mouth. Alfie was put to sleep last night. I truly loved Alfie and he would have done anything to protect me and our home. He fought valiantly for months with bladder cancer and I am sure it spread. He lost so much weight he was skin and bones and the last two days of his life he could not get up to walk. As much as I hated having to do it, I could not let Alfie suffer any longer, so my daughter, her boyfriend and I took him to the veterinarian hospital where he quietly passed away. I stayed with him through it all and he never seemed to be frightened. He was so much in pain, that I am sure this was the very best thing I could do for him. I miss him and will always remember him. It's so hard to lose a beloved pet and I sit here writing this in tears.

What makes everything worse is the fact that doctors and nurses are looking to me to make decisions about Ron. I am so worn out with all of this and it is just so damned hard to go through everything that I have been through. The doctor is weaning Ron off of the ventilator. Once he is off, I have said for them to not put him back on it. In other words, if he fails breathing on his own, I know he does not want to lie in a hospital bed allowing a machine to breathe for him for months and months on end for the rest of his life. Ron is still very weak, but his lungs are stronger - that's why they are attempting to wean him. His vital signs are more stable and right now the main thing is a horrible diarrhea that he got from being in the hospital and taking so many antibiotics. I will be so happy when Ron can talk again. I never would have dreamed in a million years that I would have to make decisions regarding his life. Hopefully once he is off of the ventilator he can make his own decisions. I still want him to be able to come home. He told me when he was home for one short week that he never wanted to die in the hospital. He wanted to die at home. My goal is to get him home once again. I still ask for God's will to be done - the Lord knows the future and He will do whatever is best for Ron and I. I trust Him completely with our lives.

I am feeling loss tonight and I don't fear the future, but I am not looking forward to it either. The Lord knows how I am feeling and Jesus so understands the loneliness and heartache that I am experiencing right now. To make matters worse, I backed into my garage door and put big scratches on the bumper of my car. I know it really should not be a big deal, but tonight everything seems to be a big deal.

I have to pray harder and spend more time listening to what God is telling me. I am feeling so overwhelmed by everything. I know I have to take one day at a time and simply trust the Lord with all of my burdens. I know for the moment I am in a valley, but God will make a way for me to climb out of it.

I am fighting some major depression tonight. I know that the Lord is close to the broken hearted and I know He is here with me. I am just suffering from so much sadness and loss right now and feeling very very alone. I have to remind myself that the Lord is with me and will not forsake me. He tells me to fear not neither be dismayed.

Heaven

From Sandy -

Experiencing all the ups and downs over the past months and knowing that Ron's condition has worsened, I have turned my thoughts towards the dying process and what greets a soul once it slips away from the body.

Knowing Ron as I do, I know he has always been afraid of death and dying. Now, he is confronting his worst fear. I cannot bring myself to discuss with him the fact that he may be dying. I would not ever want to increase his fears or make things more stressful for him. More than anything, I want Ron to know Jesus as his Lord and Savior. I want Ron to be able to go to love and warmth and joy when he leaves this earth. I want Ron to know the love and peace that is waiting for him. I have said before that Ron is truly experiencing hell on earth and has suffered greatly with one infection after another - one setback after another - and his body is getting tired.

Still - I have hope. I am living Proverbs 3:5-6. These two verses are sustaining me and giving me peace of mind. I do trust in the Lord and I am trying not to force my understanding of the events that have brought Ron and I to this point in our lives. I acknowledge the Lord in every prayer and ask for His will to be done. I have committed Ron unto the Lord and know that He knows what is best for Ron. If Jesus decides to heal Ron - what a blessing that would be! If Jesus wants Ron to be with Him in Heaven - that is even a greater blessing!

I am trying to witness to Ron. I have told him that Jesus loves him and Jesus will help him - all he needs to do is ask through prayer. I don't know if I am getting through to Ron, but as long as Ron is alive and awake, I will tell him about Jesus. Ron's salvation is so important to me. I can't imagine Ron going anywhere but to Heaven. There, his body will be whole and strong and there will be a smile in his heart instead of grimmacing in pain. I will continually pray for Ron to truly get to know Jesus. This has to be the reason that the Lord has kept him alive through all of the setbacks - some way, some how, Ron will get to know his Savior. This I pray for and know that it will happen.

Trusting always in the Lord

From Sandy -

Ron is still in pretty bad condition. His kidneys are not doing well and he has fluid around his lungs. He still has diarrhea and the hospital is keeping him pretty much on morphine for pain. I can't believe everything that has happened to Ron in 11 months. I cannot tell you how much it breaks my heart that he was only home for one week out of these 11 months. He was so thrilled to be home. He was happy and content even though he was weak. Why the Lord allowed him to get so sick after all the months Ron tried to get better is way too much for me to figure out.

I am so depressed over the events that have occurred since the first of October. Ron has progressively gone down hill and has not really made any steps forward. I love my husband so much. I have been married to him for 44 years this December. I can't imagine life without him. We have definitely had our ups and downs, but through everything I have always loved Ron. I honestly don't know if he has ever accepted Jesus as his savior. I sure hope so. I have prayed for that in my most recent prayers. Jesus loves Ron and is just waiting for Ron to accept Him. When Ron leaves this earth, I so want him to know the love and peace waiting for him. I want him to be able to have a healthy youthful body that is not broken and hurting. I want him to be able to smile and laugh instead of grimace and frown with pain. It absolutely devastates to know what Ron is going through right now. I feel so helpless and have come to the point that I don't know what to pray. At this time in my life, I truly have to trust the Lord and know without a doubt that the Lord will do what is best for Ron. It may not be what I desire for Ron, but the Lord knows and I trust Him and only Him. Again, I refer to Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thy own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy path. This verse goes with me every hour of every day. When I get scared and feel lost - this verse gets me through. No - I don't understand why Ron has had to suffer so - but the Lord tells me to trust Him and lean not unto my own understanding. At times I don't know what to do - at these times I need to acknowledge the Lord and He will direct my path.

Anyone who cares to - please pray that Ron knows Jesus as his Lord and Savior. Ron has lived hell down here on earth - when he leaves this earth I hope and pray He will wake up in heaven.

Thy Will Be Done

From Sandy -

Ron is still on a ventilator as of this date. He is running a low grade fever and now he has diarrhea. His heart is beating too rapidly and I'm not sure what else is going on. My heart breaks for Ron. To see him lying in a hospital bed hooked up to all kinds of tubes is a continuation of his nightmarish illnesses. I still don't know what the Lord has in store for Ron. Trying to outguess God is a foolish thing to do. I have tried to do that by thinking that I know God's will for Ron. I am finding out that I don't know what the Lord is going to do. Sometimes faith is just letting go of all the things you want to happen, knowing that if you trust in God, what does happen is a blessing bigger than what you were asking for.

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct Thy path".

I will do this - I will trust the Lord and not try to understand everything. I will acknowledge the Lord in everything I do so that He will direct my path.

I know that the Lord knows what is best. I commit Ron unto God who created him.

Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

Comments

From Sandy -

I know that posting a comment is not possible on this blog. However, I would love the comments. I am trying to be a prayer warrior for Ron and I need to have support from anyone who chooses to do so. Ron may be facing surgery for the stint that they placed in his bowels. Surgery on someone so weak is a great risk - so I am going to give you my e-mail address - I would so love to hear from you. My address is: briddick_136@msn.com

Bless you all!!!

James 5:15

From Sandy -

Ron is still in ICU - now he is considered stable and not guarded. He is still on the ventilator, but they are trying to wean him off of it.

This is a continuous struggle for him and for me. I struggle with this setback and the suffering that Ron has had to go through. I know Ron is struggling with life itself. When will all of this end? When will the rainbow appear and the sunshine light our way?

I ask these questions continually. HOWEVER, I came upon the verse James 5:15 "And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven". This verse is my lifeline. It encourages me to keep praying, keep believing and knowing that the Lord will save Ron's soul. God's word is always there to sustain me and give me hope when everything seems so hopeless.

Another verse in James is James 5:16 "Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much"
How I hold on to these verses. The Lord gave them to me and I will always hold them in my heart. I am praying fervently for Ron to get off the ventilator, be well enough to come home, and come to know Our Savior Jesus Christ. If anyone cares to pray this as well for us, what a blessing that would be!!!

Meditation and Prayer

From Sandy -

I am going to make this a short post, but I have to tell you what happened to me this morning. I was reading bible verses and my "streams in the desert" and then just took some time to stop and think about Ron's situation. I don't really know that Ron has accepted Jesus as his personal Lord and Savior. He has used Jesus's name as a swear word. I know for certain Ron believes in God, but not so sure he accepts Jesus as his Savior.

As I was pondering over this, a thought came into my mind that was like an electric shock. It was this - Ron's life will be spared so his soul can be saved. I do believe this with all my heart and soul. After all, God told me. I want Ron to be able to go to sleep some day and wake up in heaven. I want both he and I to be assured of this. I know this is God's will. I know Ron will come home. He may have to have palliative care or hospice, but he is coming home. I have asked the Lord to allow him to be home for at least one year. I will do everything in my power to bring Jesus to Ron - if he won't listen to me, I'll find someone who he will listen to.

I can't believe all the changes in me since my surgery and Ron's surgery and condition. The Lord is so real to me and He is my constant companion. This year has been pretty crappy, but how can you put a price on faith - and that's a gift that the Lord has given to me. Growing in faith has only come through experiencing trials and pain. But what a blessing faith is - it's simply the best.

Code Blue and ICU

From Sandy -

I went to see Ron yesterday and he could not be awakened. His blood pressure was o.k. and his oxygen level was o.k. I had just talked to the doctor about sending Ron back to Reche Canyon Rehab for a couple of weeks before he would come home. All of a sudden Ron's oxygen level dropped to the 70's and he was in very grave condition. Nurses and doctors started running into his room and a code blue was called. He was then transferred to ICU and remains in critical condition.

I'm sorry, but I truly am struggling with all of this and the Lord's plans for Ron. This is so devastating and I am walking around in a dark cloud. I know we don't always know the answers to life's questions. Only God knows what is going on right now in Ron's life and why it is going on. I have no clue as to why this is happening. I fight back with constant prayer and ask the Lord for strength. I just don't understand why Ron was only home for 7 days before he had to go back to the hospital and is now in critical condition. I find it really hard to let go of Ron. I keep asking the Lord to heal him and bring him back home. I can't even entertain the other thought of Ron's passing. I still feel that Ron is not done here yet. His life is needed for whatever purpose the Lord sees fit. This is a very strong feeling in my soul and when I think of anything else, I always come back to the fact that Ron is not done yet here on earth.

I have no wisdom to give anyone at this point. My spiritual life is being taxed to the limit - and yet I still knw that the Lord is with us. Sometimes it is so hard to understand and we simply have to accept the fact that we cannot understand. I still trust the Lord and still look to Him for strength. I always think about Job and everything he suffered. The Lord allowed him to suffer and in the end took care of him. We don't come close to the suffering Job endured, but nonetheless, Ron and I are in a very "suffering" place right now.

Please pray for Ron to recover and come home. I am asking the Lord to allow him to at least be here for one year - or more if the Lord sees fit. I love my husband and my heart is aching for him. I continually pray for the Lord to guide the hands and the minds of the nurses and doctors who are caring for him.

Update on Ron's Condition

Thanks to everyone for prayers. The prayers worked for his blockage. The doctor was able to put a stint in his bowel so stuff can flow through. So far it is working. Now - I am asking for more prayers for another condition Ron has. His blood pressure is sky high, he is confused and agitated, and he is having trouble breathing. The hospital is moving him to the telemetry floor so they can care for his heart better. He is low on potassium which his heart needs. He is totally out of it and has to have his hands tied down. Again, this roller coaster ride is just not letting us off. Prayers would be much appreciated for this new problem. I know the Lord loves Ron and has Him in His care, but I have to be honest and let you know I don't understand this at all. Please keep Ron in your prayers. Love,SANDY

Clinging to God

Ron has a blockage in his intestine, and despite the efforts of his GI doctor, there is still a problem. This could mean surgery and Ron is so very weak. I have to admit that I have yelled at God tonight. I am begging and pleading with the Lord to "fix" Ron.

I don't understand life sometimes and right now I don't understand God. I don't understand why Ron was able to be home for only one week and now he is facing a serious problem lying in a hospital bed once again. The Lord knows how I am feeling - I have asked Him why. I don't think it's fair. Are we being punished? God punished people in the Old Testament. Is my faith being tested? Is the Lord trying to get Ron's attention? Is the Lord teaching me to "Let go and Let God"? Is this to teach both Ron and I to trust in the Lord always and lean not unto our own understanding? Is this for growth in strength and faith?

I still believe in miracles and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord can heal Ron. I know that Jesus is right there with Ron. I have asked Him to touch Ron with healing power and with his unconditional love. I am being totally honest here when I say that my faith right now is wavering. Am I in the fiery furnace being tested? God's Word tells me to not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving present my requests to God. This I have done and I am still doing. I have been earnestly praying, perservering and enduring and waiting, waiting, waiting on God. I have heard that we may have to face the very worst before we are delivered, but we will be delivered. I am clinging to God and clining to the robe of Jesus - I know Jesus feels Ron's pain and He knows how much I love Ron. Jesus will act when the time is right. I remain waiting for one more miracle.

I want Ron to come home and enjoy what life he has left. I commit this onto the Lord.

Requesting prayer

I know that just yesterday I posted how elated that Ron and I were for him to finally come home. Unfortunately, he is now back in the hospital. He has a bowel obstruction that is very painful and I am requesting that anyone who wishes to would pray for Ron's bowel obstruction to disappear. If it doesn't, he will need surgery and in his weakened condition I am afraid to know what that means.

Ron so far is a book of miracles - surely our Lord and Savior will perform this miracle to clear his bowels so he is once again able to eat and get rid of waste. I am finding out through these episodes that I love Ron so much. I see the frailty in him, the humaness in him, the little scared boy in him, the man I love. I come to the Lord once again in constant prayer for Ron's healing. What's another miracle to the Lord? He performs them every day and I am asking him to unblock Ron's bowels. Do I have enough faith for this? Do I trust in the Lord with all my heart and soul? Do I believe in miracles? Yes - to all of these questions. I wait upon the Lord for healing and to remove the obstruction.

My prayer constantly is "Lord I do believe, please help my unbelief". In the meantime I will keep praying, keep hoping and keep knowing that the Lord will bring what I have asked for to pass.

Please Please pray for Ron's return to health. It would be so appreciated beyond measure.

Sometimes miracles happen in bits and pieces

From Sandy -

Another miracle has come to our family. The Doctor sent Ron home last Thursday. Ron is still very weak, but he is off the feeding tube, his tracheotomy is healing and closing, and HE IS HOME!!!

When I look back on all the stuff Ron has gone through, it's amazing that he is still alive. He came close to dying three times this year and I was beginning to think he would never make it home. But here he is at home.

So many miracles took place in Ron's healing. When Ron was so sick, we weren't sure he was going to make it, he was taken off of the ventilator. He came through sepsis where he was actually unconscious for a month. He was aspirating his food and was having to be fed through a G-tube and now he can eat anything and everything. He is able to get by on very little oxygen. He is back in his own home in his own bedroom. I haven't mentioned all the miracles - there were some tiny ones and some powerful ones. But the biggest miracle is that Ron is back home. It took all the small miracles to enable Ron to get stronger. The Lord was touching Ron all the time with his healing power. This I believe with heart and soul. Many many people have prayed for Ron and the Lord did hear their prayers.

Now - I am asking for prayer. The task of caring for Ron has fallen upon me. I'm not complaining but sometimes it does get overwhelming. I have to stop and just ask God to give me the strength to do what I need to do. Ron is taking 14 different medications three times a day. He needs help sitting up, standing, walking, taking his meds, going to the bathroom, dressing, undressing, geting out of bed, bathing, etc.

I can do all of this with the Lord by my side. Right now I am thanking God that Ron is sleeping so I can write this post. It gives me time to gather my thoughts and put everything into perspective. When I am so rushed, I take my eyes off of the big picture and focus only on the small tasks that I am doing - a multiple of tasks, but they are small.

When I get weary, I stop and realize that right here, right now is where the Lord wants me to be. This is his task for me to do right now. Although I fall very very short of being anything close to a nurse, this is where the Lord wants me to be today. Tomorrow, I am sure things will change, but today I am right where I am supposed to be.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Miracles

From Sandy -

I am feeling very much in awe of the Lord today. Ron is going to be coming home very soon. He is now able to eat food again and his trach was pulled. Now there is just a hole in his throat and it will heal and close soon. He is walking with assistance and a walker. He is able to stand, he can pull himself up in bed and he is exercising his legs every day. I cannot begin to tell you what progress Ron has made. The prayers on behalf of Ron have been heard by the Lord and He has touched Ron with healing and recovery. Nothing short of a miracle has brought Ron from the brinks of death back to life. He has the glowing look of health now and is putting weight back on. He is talking about coming home and how happy he will be to get there. He is nothing short of a miracle.

When I look back at a most "nightmarish" year - I see the footprints of God when He truly did carry me. I have come close to breaking down, but the Lord was there to support me and give me the strength to keep on keeping on. The Lord guided me to a wonderful attorney that brought me through what could have been financial ruin - now we are able to keep our home and our income and I am able to pay the bills. I came through my own surgery with flying colors - Jesus was with me, guiding the surgeon's hand as I lay there.

Throughout all of the despair, pain and suffering - I was never ever alone. This to me is the greatest miracle of all. As small and insignificant as I am compared to the world and all of its' people, the Lord still has had the time to love me, to support me, to strengthen me, and to walk with me through the storm.

When you walk through the storm, hold your head up high and don't be afraid of the dark. At the end of the storm is a golden sky and the sweet silver song of a Lark.

Walk on, Walk on with hope in your heart though your dreams be tossed and blown, walk on walk on with hope in your heart and you'll never walk alone - you'll never walk alone.

I have not walked alone through the storm, Jesus was right there with me all the way and still is.

My mornings, my dog, and the Lord

From Sandy -

Mornings are really hard for me. I wake up feeling like a ton of bricks is on my chest. Sometimes I sleep very late because I just don't want to face the day. Once I am up, I get busy feeding horses, cleaning corrals, cleaning up after the dog, and feeding the cats. I do this almost as soon as my feet touch the floor. I get dressed, I'm out the door and taking care of the animals. All this time I am feeling anxious.

When I have a minute, I go back to my bedroom and spend time opening e-mails. Then I see what news there is on the internet. Finally I look at the bible verse for the day and read my "Streams in the Desert" daily devotional. Then, after calming down and getting a grip on life, I bow my head in prayer. Only after I have prayed and meditated on the Lord do I calm down. It's an amazing thing that happens to me - a peace that passes all understanding envelops me and I know I'll be able to conquer the day. I realize at that time that there is nothing I will have to face alone because my Heavenly Father is there to guide me and to lighten the load. The Lord clears the fog in my brain and brings a blue sky and sunshine with a clarity of hope and faith and strength.

As I write this, I realize I get things backwards. Once my feet first hit the floor, I should then kneel on the floor and ask the Lord to get me through the day. It's a way of refreshing the day -showering off all of the fear, pain, anxiety and stress that are covering me. It's starting over again brand new with the knowledge that the Lord is right there with me to direct my path and slay all the demons that get in the way.

I am a person that finds it hard to relax. I am always thinking about what I should be doing when I sit and take time to unwind. I guess you could say I am always nervous and stressing. Only through the Lord do I find the ability to become serene and give up the fears and stresses of the day. He is my comfort and He is the love of my life.

Right now I am facing putting my dog to sleep. He's a mixture of german shepard, collie, who knows what else. His name is Alfie and he is 12 years old. He's a big boy and he has always been so active that you had to pet him in a hurry, because he would be so wiggily and glad to see you. Now he is old - he has bladder cancer and he has gotten very weak. He doesn't eat unless I feed him. I am having the hardest time knowing what to do. He's so afraid of the vet. I don't want to put him through the trip there. He is big, so I can't just get him in the car and go. I truly love him although as a young dog he was a pain - ate even the stucco off of the corner of our house and chewed up every shoe or anything that was left on the ground. I have turned him over to the Lord and still don't know what to do. In my opinion, the Lord is saying "wait". The Lord will make a way where there seems to be no way.

Again, I know the Lord cares for everything I love and care about. So He knows all about Alfie. He knows the pain I am going through just thinking about what to do with Alfie. Sometimes I know the Lord says "wait". The pain and stress of "waiting" is hard to do, but I know that the Lord loves Alfie too and will be there for Alfie and me.

I haven't prayed yet this morning nor ready my Bible, so I will "destress" and turn all of my worries over to the Lord. He will give me rest.

Surrender at the feet of Jesus

From Sandy -

Surrender at the feet of Jesus. I came upon these words this morning as I was reading a daily devotional. How I identify with these precious and beautiful words. I have surrendered and still surrender on a daily basis at the feet of Jesus. I bow down before him and see the hem of his robe as I reach out and touch it for strength, for healing, for love, and amazing grace. As I perform this act, I feel a tremendous love overflow me to the point that I actually get goosebumps and yet an overpowering feeling of warmth and love. How magnificent is our Lord, filled with grace and truth - what a privilege to carry everything to Him in prayer.

This surrendering at the feet of Jesus came to me as I read in the Bible about the woman who had a constant flow of blood. She was in the crowd when Jesus was preaching and made her way to him. Once she was at his feet, she reached out and touched the hem of his robe. Immediately the flow of blood stopped. Jesus said "Somebody has touched me for I perceive that virtue is gone out of me". When the woman saw that she was not hid, she came forth trembling and falling down before him. She declared unto him before the crowd for what cause she had touched him, and how she was healed immediately. And he said unto her "Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace" .

There is such peace in surrendering. Sometimes I picture myself as a hampster running in a wheel that takes me no where yet is such a struggle just to keep going thinking I can get it done, I can fix it, I can make things better. Such a waste of time and accomplishing nothing is what happens. When I surrender everything to the Lord - that's the time he can act. Yet, how many times have I surrendered only to take everything back because I thought the Lord was taking too long. This lesson I am learning is a life long lesson. Sometimes it's so hard to surrender even when we know that we should.

Every time I have surrendered Ron and his illnesses, (I mean truly surrendered) the Lord has healed Ron in some way. When I was facing my surgery, I finally came to faith by surrendering my body to the one who created it - and I was made whole and found the peace that passes all understanding.

The Lord refreshes the weary

From Sandy -

In Jeremiah 31:25 the Lord tells us "I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint".

Right now that promise is what I'm hanging on to. The days of running this race sometimes become very dreary and monotonous. I am not complaining, just stating how I feel Sometimes the Lord leads us to places we would not choose to be in so we can grow. I read something today that made so much sense. If we had everything we wanted and lacked for nothing - we would not grow in strength and faith. We would become weak and dependent and not develop into a real person of character. The storms and valleys of life are opportunities to grow in grace and strength.

Growing comes with growing pains. Guess that's what I have been going through. I would just love to get away and take a vacation. But that would not solve the problems I would leave behind. My task right now is to be here taking care of finances and being Ron's voice throughout his recovery. I work behind the scenes to make sure Ron is getting the best of care and making sure that he is exercising and doing what he can for himself so he can come home. I praise the Lord that Ron's recovery is steady and that he is doing better every day. This does take some of the stress away.

I know that the Lord does refresh the weary. I wait upon him for his promise of refreshing. This has been two years I shall never forget. The Lord has walked with me throughout my surgery and throughout Ron's surgery and all the setbacks that he has gone through. Refreshing is on its' way and God's blessings will be poured out upon us. I feel that they have already started.

Haleluliah - how I love my Savior.

God is our refuge and strength

From Sandy -

I still have many burdens that with the help of God are not quite as heavy to carry as they would be without Him. My daughter Lisa is still stressing and depressed about "life" in general and is not able to handle anything right now. My husband Ron is getting better, but I was told yesterday that he is not doing certain exercises nor cooperating in some ways. His nurse told me he was lazy. The speech therapist told me he cannot swallow and may never eat again. I told some of this to Ron and he asked me why I didn't just let him die nine months ago. Bills are mounting up here at home and I am trying to juggle money wherever I can to keep bills paid and to save a little for emergencies and Christmas - that is less than four months away.

These are burdens that I have to carry and with the help of the Lord I can carry them.

Psalm 46:1 says "God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble". I know this is true. Right now at this time in my life there is no earthly being that can help me. God is the only one I lean on and reveal my trials to. He alone is my pillar of strength. Family members cannot help and friends are also going through tough times, so leaning on the Lord is what I am doing.

The only time I feel peace is when I spend it with God. He can calm my fears and give me the strength to face each new trial. I have been in worse trials than these, but the weariness of facing each trial on a daily basis gets to me. Jeremiah 31:25 says" I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint". This is a passage that gives me hope and grace. God will make good on His word.

My prayer for today is - "Heavenly Father, please refresh my spirit and my body. Help me to find blessings in the abundance you have already so graciously shared with me. To you belongs all glory, honor and power. I submit myself in faith waiting for the rest, peace, refreshing, refuge and strength that you have promised".

In the Name of Jesus I pray these things - A-Men

Amazing Grace

From Sandy -

Ron is continuing to get better. He can walk a little bit with a walker and he is getting stronger. No more setbacks as of this date. Praise the Lord for that. Sometimes I think the Lord wants us to ask detailed prayers when we find ourselves in distress. He seemed to direct me to ask Him for no more setbacks in Ron's recovery. Funny that as many setbacks as Ron went through, I didn't ask the Lord for this specific thing. I would ask for strength in Ron's body and healing and blessing - all of which I know the Lord heard and answered. But as I got more specific in my prayers, I could center on one thing at a time to ask the Lord to take care of. I believe that as I did this, it increased my faith in this one area and it was easier for me to trust the Lord with a specific prayer, rather than an all encompassing prayer for Ron's recovery. As I asked for the setbacks to go away, I knew in my heart that the Lord heard and answered. I don't know how to explain it, but I just knew without a doubt. Faith is believing that God "WILL", not that God "CAN".

Guess what I am trying to say here is that the Lord can act on specific things. We can ask for small things or big things and the Lord hears all of our prayers. Sometimes He directs us in just what to pray for. This is certainly not for His benefit, but it is for our benefit. This is how faith grows in us. To see the things we have asked for become real - this is the seed that is planted with our prayers and grows to fruition in the Lord's power and grace. Faith grows from a tiny mustard seed as pointed out in the Bible.

I cannot tell you how many times doubts and fears have come into my mind during Ron's illness. Each setback was a setback for me as well. My faith ebbed and flowed with how Ron was doing. However, I always knew in the back of my mind that the Lord had something planned for Ron. He has brought Ron through so many trials - infections, pneumonia, loss of blood, malnutrition. God would not bring him through so much distress and not have something planned for Ron's life. Right now I don't know what that is, but the Lord will reveal it in His time. I hope and pray for Ron's salvation. The Lord knows that Ron is a hard "nut to crack" and it takes what it takes to get someone's attention.

I am truly grateful for the recovery that Ron is now making. It continues to be a miracle - a miracle of God's making. So many times Ron was at death's door and now he is improving day by day. How amazing is our God - what love He has for all of us. It doesn't matter where we are in life or what we are doing, the Lord loves us all unconditionally. I have come to know that very personally in my own life. In younger years, I was forgiven much because I had sinned "much". I felt the Lord's love so much when I broke down in tears and begged the Lord to forgive me. It's called "Amazing Grace" that saved a wretch like me.

In a lonely place

From Sandy -

Today I feel like I am truly in a lonely place. I have been in our home alone for eight months now.

Seeing her Dad suffer and be unhappy is affecting my daughter and she claims she is having a breakdown. She has been given time off of work to be able to relax and take care of herself. I'm afraid too that I have relied too much on her. I think I am taking care of everything, but Lisa has been there for me and now I feel as if I need to give her a break. And, I'm not exactly sure how to do this. She wants to know what's going on and I tell her. I feel badly that her Dad's illness has effected her in such a harmful way. She also went through my surgery and recovery - so, it's been tough on her in ways I may not even know of.

Therefore, I don't want to make things worse for her and feel that I should back off. It's times like these that I wish my Mother were still alive. I just want to run to her and feel her arms around me as I pour out my heart to her. She was always there for me and I miss her so - especially now when the burdens of life are getting me down. She could always make me feel better no matter what.

I know that I always have the Lord. He is my constant source of peace and love. It's just hard at times to do all of this by myself. The Lord has put me in this lonely place to make me strong. I feel this and know it to be true. I could not grow if I always had someone else take care of all the problems. I have grown alot and have done things that I would have never thought I could do or get through. Sometimes I feel there is no one I can turn to. At these times I turn to the Lord. He has not forgotten me or left me in this place to face my problems alone.

I will remember to "commit thy way unto the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass". He said it and I believe it.

The Lord saved them out of their distresses

From Sandy -

Isn't it amazing how one day you can be totally down and yet another day you can feel great. This has happened to me. I have been weary over bills and invoices and paper work. I have been weary over Ron's illness and weakness and depression as well as my own.

Today is Sunday. I went to church with my little granddaughter. Had lunch with my daughter and granddaughter and went to the rehab. center to see Ron. Ron is getting stronger. Yesterday I had some friends come over who helped me put my piano on Craig's list. Today I sold my piano and some of my financial worries went away. Certainly not all of them, but enough to put me on a high right now.

Isn't it amazing how the Lord works in our lives. I have tried so hard lately to commit everything I do to the Lord and to trust Him completely. I know that the Lord has been feeling my love and commitment for Him and He is delivering me out of my distresses. Ron is getting stronger and wants to exercise every day. Tonight as I write this, I am realizing how I have been delivered out of so many distresses. I have received money from "out of the blue" just when I thought I did not have another penny to spare. I have seen Ron recover in the midst of infection and impossible setbacks. I have felt the love of friends and family. I have experienced God's love through miracles large and small. Ron being off the ventilator is still one of the biggest blessings. My wonderful attorney who saw me through a financial crisis is another. Just knowing that God has the time and the love for me is not only a blessing - it is a miracle!!

I will continue trusting the Lord. I will continue to wait upon Him for the help that I need. He is always there "just in time". He does deliver us out of all our distresses when we wait upon Him and trust in Him. Sometimes the trust is small, but that is all the Lord needs to act upon. When He knows that we are trusting Him as a child trusts his father - that's the time He comes into our lives and delivers us. He made us - He loves us - He hears our prayers - He answers!

Feeling down

From Sandy -
It is Wednesday morning and to be honest, I am feeling depressed. I somehow feel as if I am carrying a ton on my back. This is my fault - I have allowed myself to get to this place. I remain close to the Lord but I am weary. I see Ron every day and he is so far in depression himself, that he is not happy to see me. He doesn't want to hear my words of encouragement and when I ask him if he is moving his arms or legs for exercise, he gets very upset with me.

Also, I worry about our bills. So many expenses I did not count on. $800 for a pool filter was one of them. We don't use our pool, but what can we do - it would cost a great deal to have it removed and filled in, so I have to keep it clean. Extra expenses for tree trimming - I had to have this done because we have date palms that cover the horse trail and it could be dangerous to anyone having to avoid the leaves as they go down the trail.

I am a "sorry" person right now. However, I know what I can do to lift myself up. I can go to the Lord in prayer and recognize all the many blessings He has provided over the past 18 months. I can thank Him for always being with me. He is my strength and my fortress - as long as I trust the Lord and commit my way unto Him - there will be deliverance from all of these trials.

I have to spend more time with the Lord. He is the only one that can help me right now. I have been so involved in worrying and fretting, that I haven't spent enough time with God. My goal is to do just that - take time out and spend it praising God for what I do have. Commiting unto Him my fears and anxiety. I know this too shall pass.

Value of consistent prayer

The value of consistent prayer is not that God will hear us, but that we will hear God.

Wow - that's a very profound statement. It is true, when we really pray for something and are consistent about it, we hear God. He is there in the midst of our prayers and He is in our hearts and minds and souls as we seek Him, as we make requests of Him.

I can honestly say for myself that prayer brings me closer to God. All my thoughts and energy are poured into my prayers - that's the time I hear the Lord speaking to me. That's the time (when I honestly drive out all other thoughts and center only on my praying to God) that I feel His mighty presence in my life and I know that he hears me. Thats the time when a quiet whisper assures me that things will be allright. That's the time that serenity and peace flow through my body to quiet the fears and stresses of my life. That's the time that I feel an overwhelming love of mercy and grace come down upon me.

Prayer has to be the most important part of my day. Not to say that I am consistent in this - sometimes I allow the world to interfere and put prayer aside until I am in such a mess I have to stop and make time for prayer.

Never have I prayed like I have this past year. These prayers have brought me so close to the Lord. I feel His presence when I bow my head. I feel His presence when I lift my arms to heaven, praising Him for the blessings I have received. Prayer is my lifeline to God. Prayer is my salvation. Prayer is my communication to God. Prayer brings me hope for a brighter tomorrow. Prayer is peace and love and goodness and mercy. Prayer is beautiful and powerful. I am so glad that the Lord takes the time to stop and listen to my prayers.

Commit your way onto the Lord

From Sandy -

Psalm 37:5 Commit your way onto the Lord and He shall bring it to pass.

I came upon the above verse this morning. It is the word of God spoken to me this morning. I am often way too much of this world and too little of Almighty God's. I know I am His, but so many times like a spoiled little brat I want things to go my way. I grab things back that I have turned over to the Lord thinking that He is taking way too long. Once I grab things back, I make a mess of everything and have to once again turn my way over to the Lord. This has happened so many times during Ron's illness. I have tried to force things to change and I find that I am powerless over these exact things that I so confidently thought I could fix. I get frustrated and try again - only to mess up even worse than before. I have noticed that when I am at my wit's end and I have tried everything - that's the time I surrender and that's the time that the Lord can bring "it" to pass.

With all the infections and setbacks Ron has had - I have experienced this surrender more than once. I have always thought that I can "fix it" - but I can't fix Ron. I can't talk him into doing things the way I would do them. To try to force change causes not only frustration, it causes pain, loss, heartache, failure. I have tried to "force" the Lord into making Ron better. Over and Over again on a daily basis I ask for the Lord to heal Ron in certain ways. I want Ron to be able to swallow safely and eat food again, I want Ron to be able to get up and walk, I want Ron to be able to walk to the bathroom and use his arms and hands to bathe himself. I want Ron to be able to come home and enjoy his dogs and cats and "life". None of these are wrong to ask of the Lord. But once I have placed these requests in God's hands, I need to rest with the assurance that it will be done - not in my time, but in the Lord's. Not in my way, but in the Lord's.

I commit my way unto the Lord and He shall bring it to pass. All I have to do is commit my way, my prayers, my life, my faith, my love. He is the one that will bring it to pass. I guess what this means to me is that I seek the direction that the Lord wants me to go - seek the way the Lord wants me to live - seek the Lord with everything I do - Trust in Him that once I ask - He shall bring it to pass.

Jesus is all I need

From Sandy -

I have to be honest - life is tough for me. I struggle every minute of every day trying to keep sane. My thoughts go constantly to my husband, Ron. When I eat, I think about how Ron cannot eat. When I laugh, I think about how Ron has nothing to smile about. When I get loved by our dogs, or provide a lap for our cat - I think about how Ron is missing that. In other words, I am feeling pretty darn guilty about what I am able to enjoy and Ron is deprived of.

I would do almost anything to give Ron the comforts of life - but right now I do not have the means to do that. I see the suffering and the many illnesses he has had to face and I feel ashamed and selfish when I don't think things are going "my way" or I am in to self pity. The one thing that I do - I pray constantly for Ron. He is always being lifted up in prayer to God.

My daughter is feeling the effects of her Dad's illness. She is struggling to cope with her Dad's illness, and to make it worse - my dog ate her favorite shoes tonight. She broke down and said she cannot cope. She said she was sorry about her reaction, and I know that she is. But - I am finding it hard to cope myself and knowing that she is struggling makes it even harder for me. I have leaned on her and honestly I don't think she is able to withstand the trials that she is facing. She is on an anti-depressant and she is also a juvenile diabetic. She has even threatened suicide. She has scared me to death with this threat. She has been there through thick and thin to support me - however, I know that her mental capacity for the trials of life are not equivalent to mine. Maybe God is testing her. Maybe God is putting her through the fire to make her stronger. I have protected her always - even into adult hood. Maybe these trials and tribulations that we are all going through are helping her to strengthen her own faith. I can only hope and pray so. In my heart, I know she would never harm herself due to her circumstances, but I also know she suffers from depression and this roller coaster ride that we have both been on has affected her. Please keep my daughter, Lisa, in your prayers.

I can tell you this - every trial that we have had to face in our own lives has been experienced by our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Maybe he didn't suffer for the same exact reasons, but be assured that he suffered many trials - trials involving family, sickness, death, and much much more. He went through torture and humiliation - He was totally deserted and left alone to face his own death - His disciples deserted Him. Even God , His Father who loved Him more than we will ever know, had to desert Him as he took on the sins of the world. God sent His only begotten Son so that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.

Jesus knows my own suffering - He knows what Lisa and I and Ron are going through. He sees us and understands because He lived here on earth and experienced it all. I feel His love and His strength. More than these, I know that He knows exactly how I feel. He knows how I am scared and He knows my weakness. When I bow down before Jesus, HE hears me and knows me. He gives me rest in the middle of the night - He is my strength when I am too weak to carry on - He calms my fears - He listens to me and understands and walks with me - He provides a pillow for me to rest and sleep in peace - He inspires me to be my best - He directs my path and leads me through the valley of the shadow of death - He restores my soul - He gives me joy and peace and gladness. He is with me, He comforts me, I shall not want. HE IS ALL I NEED!!!

Update

From Sandy -

Ron is back in the hospital after being at Reche Canyon Rehab for only 6 days. This time he was delirious, hadn't slept for 48 hours, needed a pint of blood, needed two pints of plasma, and he has blood in his stool.

I cannot believe everything he has been through. This is such a "never ending" series of infections and setbacks. I do feel worn out. I hate hospitals and right now I am feeling discouraged. I still have faith but there's a challenge at every corner. Every time I believe things are getting better, they get worse.

I love the Lord with all my heart and soul and always will. Nothing can separate me from my love and trust in Him. However, that being said, I have to wonder why so many setbacks and why such a long illness. I don't understand what the Lord is doing here and I am asking Him for clarification. Maybe he wants to get Ron's attention. Maybe He is using this illness to teach me more about faith and trust. I don't really know at this point. I do know that I have to hang on to hope. I won't let go of it. I keep telling Ron to hang on to hope. The Lord's timing is not ours - I have to turn this illness and everything that goes along with it over to the Lord. I cannot control any of these events that are happening in our lives. However, the Lord can and I trust and rely on Him.

I am at the point that there is nothing I can do but pray. Nothing I can do but trust in the Lord. Nothing I can do but turn all of these trials over to my Lord and Savior.

Enduring trials and never losing sight of hope

From Sandy -

Ron took another trip to the hospital on Wednesday of this week (July 20). He went to the ER because he was having difficulty breathing and he was throwing up. I was just getting hopeful again when this new incident occurred. I met him at the ER of Kaiser Hospital and he was hallucinating and delirious. He did not know where he was and at times thought he was in Las Vegas or San Diego or Boston or in a strip mall. I sat by his side from 10:00 a.m. until 6:00 p.m. in ER. He kept trying to get out of bed and he was totally "out of it". It's pretty scary to see your loved one confused and hallucinating. I still don't know what caused it (probably one more infection, and he has had many), but he is better today. He had an appointment at Riverside Kaiser for a Swallowing X-ray the same day and was able to keep the appointment. He basically "flunked" the exam. He cannot swallow liquid without the danger of aspirating it. Threfore, he can't eat anything and will have to be fed through a G-tube in his nose. This is very discouraging and once he was "lucid" it was also very discouraging for Ron. I keep thinking things are getting better and then they take a turn for the worse.

Still I have hope and faith and tomorrow morning. Tomorrow morning may be down the road, but I know it is out there for us. Faith needs only one answer to a thousand "hows" - that answer is God. His abiding truth does not change with my mood and he never wavers when I stumble and fall over a promise of His through my unbelief. Although it's hard to imagine during the trials and storms of life - waiting under the clouds of trials is important because they will ultimately produce showers of blessings. I simply pray for God to grant me faith to completely trust His Word, even when every other sign points the other way. I many times say to the Lord "I do believe, please help my unbelief".

Miracles

From Sandy -

God performs miracles every day. Some of them large and some of them small. I turned our income over to the Lord regarding MediCal. MediCal was going to charge us $2500 a month for Ron to be at Reche Canyon Rehabilitation Center. We are retired and have a middle class income - $2500 less a month would have left Ron and I with many bills unpaid every month. The Lord initially led me to a wonderful attorney who represented us in court last Thursday. He went before a judge and presented our petition of monthly bills and what it costs us to live in our home. The judge allowed every cent on the petition so we get to keep our income. This is indeed one of the Lord's miracles. We could have been charged the $2500 and had to sell our home. I prayed about this and turned the petition over to the Lord. The Lord granted us our income back. He gave us a compassionate judge and a wonderful attorney. Right now I am feeling so blessed over this. It has been such a major worry and now my burdens have been lightened quite a bit.

Ron has had another setback. He aspirated some of the food he was eating so again he is not eating by mouth. He is being fed through a tube in his nose. He is very very malnourished - he looks like a true anorexic. My heart aches for Ron to be able to get better and come home. I still have faith that the Lord will grant this request also. I pray every day that the Lord will energize Ron so he can walk and move on his own accord. Once he does this, I can take him home. I pray every day that Jesus will touch Ron with His healing. Jesus is with Ron and I know that He has touched Him. It is a matter of time before Ron can come home. Now I have nothing to prove that this will happen, but I know that the Lord has performed miracles in our lives and I know that once again the Lord will perform another miracle by bringing Ron home to me.

The Lord will not break His covenant that He gave to me. He will not alter the thing that has gone out of His lips. His lovingkindness He will not take away from Ron. The Lord is with us - I feel His presence all the time. How blessed we are to have the Lord as the Great Physician - He is the creator, so He knows what is needed to heal a broken and sick body.

Fear is the enemy

From Sandy -

I have to be truthful today and let you know that I am experiencing fear. Fear of the unknown regarding MediCal for Ron and fear regarding our petition that the attorney will bring before a judge on Thursday of this week. I also have the ongoing concern and worry for Ron's health and welfare. It's been almost seven months now that Ron has either been in the hospital or in a rehabilitation facility. I'll never forget the night he was taken by ambulance to the hospital, he told me he would be home in a few hours and that was December 23, 2010. How devastating life situations can be. Not only for Ron and I, but there are so many others out there suffering even worse than we are.

I have been blessed with a good attorney and lots of friends that care about us. Of course, there is my wonderful daughter that has experienced everything I have been going through because she is so there for Ron and I. She has devoted so much time and financial help to the predicament we now find ourselves in. But most of all I have the Lord. He is with me and will not forsake me. He tells me not to be afraid - being human, sometimes that's a hard request to honor. However, through all of my life experiences, I have found that when I trust the Lord, He makes a path for me to follow and the fears go away. He calms the storms in life - He sends blessings to replace all the fear. How I love the Lord.

Fear is our enemy. There is a saying that makes so much sense - You can measure your fear by the distance you are from God. Right now I have not prayed this morning and I have not read my Bible. I feel alot of fear. It's a scary week anyway considering our attorney goes to court for us on Thursday. MediCal will leave us with $2,000 a month to live on. That is just not going to be enough for anyone that has a mortgage and expenses. Therefore, the attorney has a list of all of our monthly expenses and will bring this list (petition) before a judge so we can get some of our income back. I pray for God's blessing on this petition. I pray for the Lord to be there in the courtroom to grant us our income back. I know that the Lord will be there for me. I know that He will work to make a way for us to live in our home and pay our bills.

I have to lean hard on the Lord right now and I have to rebuke the fear that creeps into my mind like the fog rolling in from the ocean. I have to use my faith as a wall to keep the fear from overpowering me.

Psalm 115:11,12 - "Ye that fear the Lord, trust in the Lord: he is their help and their shield. The Lord hath been mindful of us, he will bless us; he will bless the house of Israel: he will bless the house of Aaron." This is the verse I opened to this morning. I think the Lord is telling me something. He will bless the house of the Briddicks'. I know He will. I know that the Lord is my help and my shield. I know that the Lord is with me. Faith only comes to us by going through trials. These trials have increased my faith in the Lord. I know He hears our every prayer and He knows what is going on with Ron and I. In all my ways I will acknowledge Him and He shall direct my path.

Not always joyful

From Sandy -

Another setback. Ron has some kind of problem with his bowels due to way too many antibiotics. This is treatable, but I do not know how serious it is. I found this out today and honestly I am disappointed. I really try not to entertain the words despairing or discouraged. I think Ron has developed just about every infecion known to man. He has had such a rough time of trying to get better.

Thank the Lord He doesn't expect me to be perfect. Far from perfect is where I belong. thank God, Jesus has paid the price once and for all for our sins. I love the Lord but don't understand all the suffering Ron has had to endure. I find it hard to believe that the loving God that I know would visit all the illness and negativity onto Ron as he has had to endure over the months of his illness. We don't always understand what is going on in our lives. I don't understand the suffering Ron has endured, but I cannot see the end from the beginning or the beginning from the end.

I will never doubt the Lord and His word, but that doesn't mean that I won't feel sometimes like questioning why the Lord is allowing certain pain and suffering to happen. Our ways are not God's ways. I know this and most of the time I live my life and direct my thoughts to simply trust the Lord because as long as I am here on this earth, I will never understand everything that the Lord does. I also believe that there is an evil force out there that can work His evil in my thoughts and in my heart. At these times I stand firm on the word of God. Nothing will sway me from the faith I have in Him. I denounce the evil of this world and accept the life that the Lord is offering me.

Again, I pray for Ron. I pray for his healing and salvation. May the Lord touch him and allow Ron to touch back. I simply trust in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I am human and have doubts, I am not always joyful or thankful, but in the end the Lord comes through for me.

Lessons of Faith

From Sandy -

As most of you know, I have been through some major trials this year. I have experienced despair, fear, anxiety, defeat, worry, loneliness, failure. These words can't really describe every emotion I have been through. There were times I wanted to run away. There were times that I wished I could turn my back on all the negativity in life and smile once again, or have something to laugh about. Seems like my life has been trips to hospitals or convalescent homes and occassionally visits to a lawyer. I have experienced the possibility of losing my husband and losing our home and income. Prior to my husband's heart attack - about a year ago - I also feared for my life. I was facing surgery to have my colon removed. And, at that time I didn't know whether I had colon cancer or not. As a matter of fact, I entertained thoughts of how I wanted my funeral.

I sit here writing about my year and I know that throughout the trials, the Lord was right there with me. I asked Him for faith and the Lord tested me. He sent me another trial. I have always loved the Lord. Even as a child I knew who He was and I always wanted to please Him. Today, I know how faith works. I could not have told you this a year ago. Only through the trials was I able to see how the Lord's hand smoothed out all the wrinkles for me. He calmed my stormy sea each and every time. It was during the past year that I could hear the Lord and I knew He was calming me and holding me in the palm of His hand. It was because of this "nightmarish" year that I have fallen deeper in love with Jesus. I always loved Him superficially, but not anymore - He means everything to me now - I adore Him. I have heard Him and felt Him and know that He is always there for me. Through the lonely nights and the dark storms - I have never been alone. I hear Him whisper to me in a prayer or thought or through His word. I know I can trust Him because He loves me.

Faith for me has not come easily. I've always been a worrier. My Dad always told me that what I worried about would never happen. I guess I figured if I worried about everything, then everything would turn out to be o.k. I know differently now. I look back on this year and see all the times that the Lord was sustaining me. I honestly could not have made it without His love. When I pray, I bow down before the Lord seeking to touch Him and feel Him and know Him. It's been a true love affair with the Lord this year. As much as I absolutely hated every trial and all the anguish and fear that each one brought - these trials brought me closer to God. I know this is a crazy statement I am about to make but I thank the Lord for this year (it has been an education of biblical proportion). Only through the hurt and pain can one experience God's true love. He wants us to be happy, but happiness doesn't teach us about trusting Him. I know what faith is now. I don't always have it, but I know how to get it and I'm not afraid to ask. My prayer is for my husband to feel God's love and tender care as I have. I cannot tell you how much I have learned in one year about the Lord - what a privilege to know Him as I do.

Heavily Burdened

From Sandy -

Today I am feeling heavily burdened. Ron is still in the hospital and yet "another" doctor has told us his opinion concerning Ron's health. This doctor said that Ron's lungs are bad and he doesn't have "years" left. He did not give us a time frame, but in essence he told us that Ron is very weak and very sick with lots wrong with him. However, this doctor did tell us that we could pray - and this could turn things around.

I believe in prayer. I just finished praying today and though I have been feeling depressed, right now I know that the conversation I had with the Lord has lifted me up. I feel lighter as He has lifted some of my burdens - I should say all of my burdens.

I am experiencing loneliness for the first time. Ron and I have never shared alot together - although I do love him so much. I have lots of friends and they have always been a sustaining force throughout my life - no matter what I was going through. Right now I don't have time for friends. I can't make any plans because I never know what is going to happen to Ron. This is my loneliness - being cut off from my friends. I think God has brought me to this place where He alone can sustain me. He alone is my refuge from the despair and loneliness that I am facing. He has not left me in despair because going to Him in prayer changes things. He lifts me up and helps me to find things to rejoice over. It's such a miracle that the Lord can spend so much time with someone such as I. He can love me in spite of my sinfulness. What a miracle when I really think about it. He loves us all that way. We are as numerous as the grains of sand on the seashore - and yet he spends the time and gives the love to each and every one of us. What a friend I have in Jesus!!!

Ron Update

Wow - God works in mysterious ways for sure. Ron is doing well - at first the hospital put him back on the ventilator, but he has been taken off of it. He is getting fed through a tube in his nose and today he looked so much better. He was even exercising his legs and arms. He does not look quite so skeletal because his face was actually filling out. He does not have pneumonia - at first the doctors thought so because of a high white blood cell count. However, this was due to a urinary tract infection not from having pneumonia.

I question the Lord when trials come - it's true that Ron and I have had plenty in the past year and a half. HOWEVER, the Lord used this trip to the hospital so that Ron could get nourishment and regain strength. I know this with all my heart and soul. The Lord knows what He is doing even if we don't. I will never have a perfect faith, but these trials and the despair that I have experienced have played out to bring me closer than ever to the Lord. Oh Haleluliah How I Love My Savior!!

At times I feel so alone on this roller coaster ride with Ron, but I stop and realize that I am never alone. The Lord is always with me to love me, to guide me and to comfort me. How blessed I am to know Him so much better than I ever have before. He is my Savior, my Heavenly Father and my God.

Tired and Weary

Ron was rushed back to the hospital tonight by ambulance. He vomited and aspirated some of it so it went to his lungs. He could get a very bad pneumonia because of this. It seems like I live half of my life in the hospital ER. I am devastated with this setback, but still hang on to faith and hope. I can't let go of them. I am tired and weary, but I am strong - not because of me but because of the Lord. I have questioned God about why Ron has to go through all of this. I don't understand and probably never will. I am just trusting in Him to do what is best for Ron. I am going to pray with all my heart and soul that Ron will get over this setback. I am powerless, but I seek the Power from Jesus Christ.

I hear trials are the food of faith - I just try to endure these trials knowing that at the end of this storm is a rainbow. I will get down on my hands and knees asking the Lord to help Ron, to bless Ron, to keep Ron in His care. I will try to stop and listen to what the Lord has to say. I will ask Him to walk with me continually and to be by Ron's side. I will keep on believing God's word and stand firm in my faith that Ron will come home.

Prayer works - I plan to spend alot of time praying.

Hoping - Always Hoping

From Sandy-

Ron has been moved back to Reche Canyon Rehab. Center. Of course, he does not have a ventilator (what a miracle!!!). He has lost lots and lots of weight and looks like a skeleton (literally). He can talk (another miracle!!!) and he is able to eat by mouth (not so good because he is not eating). I have heard the voice of God and He has told me that Ron will come home. That's always been the goal - for Ron to come home. I don't know how long it will take or how long Ron will live, but he is coming home. I know this by faith.

I continue to lift Ron up to the Lord. Ron needs to eat and get much, much stronger. Again, because the Lord got Ron off of the ventilator, I know He can get Ron to eat and become stronger. I trust the Lord to do this for Ron and for me.

Ron has a month left before MediCal takes over. I am hoping Ron will be home before that time, but it is always God's will - not mine. MediCal will own us. My attorney is going to court on July 14 to petition for Ron and I to have enough money to pay our bills. I have lifted this petition up to the Lord as well as my attorney. I know in my heart that God will grant us enough money to keep our home and pay the bills. This is all I want - this is all we need.

I continue to lean on my Savior, Jesus Christ to touch Ron and lift him up out of that bed. I continue to trust Him to do this. Only the Lord can give me the strength and fortitude to get through this. And, I know that the Lord has touched Ron with His healing and strength. No one knows how long our days are on this earth, but I have asked the Lord to grant Ron at least a year J(or more if He sees fit) to enjoy his home and his cats and dogs. I know this means alot of work on my part if Ron comes home weakened in any way - but, I want to take care of him and allow him to enjoy what life he has left. I know that the Lord is faithful to those who love Him - and I adore Him, so He will do this for me and for Ron.

Trusting God

From Sandy -

I can't believe what a "different" doctor told my family today about Ron. He said that Ron had congestive heart failure; however he could live for years that way. This doctor is a "palliative care" doctor. Palliative care is care focused on pain, symptoms and stress of serious illness. It is essentially one step above hospice. This doctor told us that Ron did not qualify for either palliative care or hospice. Needless to say, I don't know whom to believe. Ron has had five different doctors oversee his illness since he has been at Kaiser (4 weeks now). There is not one doctor that oversees everything going on with Ron. Each doctor does things differently and sees things differently. The doctor Ron had over the weekend said Ron was essentially dying - in the last stages of congestive heart failure. The palliative care doctor said Ron was not dying. He was sick and would need to get stronger but he could live for years.

I have to trust the Lord throughout Ron's illness. It was nothing short of a miracle that Ron was weaned off of the ventilator after five months of depending on it. I am so weak and so human sometimes - it disappoints me. I want to trust the Lord always in all things, but this is not the case sometimes. I know that God's ways are not our ways and we can't understand everything that God does. I have allowed myself to be swayed back and forth by nurses and doctors - at times doing this has made me doubt that the Lord even listened to me. Today was a different story. I can only maintain my faith and my serenity by trusting in the Lord for the outcome of the horrendous illnesses that Ron has suffered with.

Trusting in the Lord is always the right thing to do. You can never go wrong by putting your faith and trust in the Lord. Earthly beings separate us from our Heavenly Father - it is so important to listen to Him and tune the rest of the world out. He is the Great Physician - our Creator - We can hope in the Lord from henceforth and forever.

Being weary and feeling down

From Sandy -

Went to see Ron again today. He still looked very weak - although better than yesterday. It's amazing how much love I feel for him right now. The thought of losing him is absolutely devastating to me. I have been married to this man for 44 years. What would life be without him? He has always been there it seems. The major part of my life has been spent with him. Yes - we have had a rocky marriage and we both have done things to our marriage vows that neither one of us are proud of. In younger days, I was stupid and wanted to get even with him for being an alcoholic. It's amazing that I waited until he actually got sober to do this. He also moved out of our home and lived in Las Vegas for a while - less than a year. Now, all I feel for Ron is amazing love. I love him so much. I am so glad that the Lord allowed us to iron out our differences and still remain together. Ron has always been so unselfish in the ways he has given to myself and our two children. He is a good man who has a heart of gold for other people. He loves animals so much and the ones we have mean so much to him. I so want to bring him home so he can spend time with his animals. Yes - he has alot wrong healthwise with him, but I feel driven to find a way to bring him home. Whether these be his last days or not, he needs to be home.

I honestly wonder if the Lord has decided to teach both Ron and I lessons regarding our marriage. Since we both broke marriage vows (which are sacred), I wonder if he has decided to punish us. I'm sorry, I am not feeling spiritual tonight. Please Lord forgive me. I have prayed so hard and hoped so much and trusted so much. I will have to wait and see what the outcome is from all of this. I still love the Lord with all my heart and soul, but I ask "why?" I plead for healing in Ron's body. I feel tired and let down and very weak right now.

Forgive me everyone for my honesty. All Christians have their ups and downs. I continually think of Job and what he went through. I will always love my Lord and Savior - and I commit my precious husband onto His care. It hurts, this really hurts. That's all I can say right now.

Hope to be more cheerful in a later post - but you need to know that right now I am weak and very very human.