Wow - the trials

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17, NIV

I have been preoccupied with being sicker than a dog. I fell and got cellulitis in my knee - and after the doctors put me on five different medications, I got gastritis. I was throwing up and having major heartburn as well as a tongue with tastebuds that were screwed up. I had dry mouth and the most horrible taste in my mouth - I can't even describe it. I became weak and light headed and simply felt rotten.

Fortunately, today I do feel better. I was taken off of the antibiotics and put on Prilosec which seems to have calmed my stomach. Who knew that antibiotics could cause so many complications?

While I was sick (which was for about two weeks) I have gone through another awakening in my life. I have been completely alone (except for my dogs) and have had to face fears by myself. I have never stopped trusting the Lord, although many times these past few days I asked him why. I have been through these trials with Ron's illness and then I have to face my own. I have never doubted the Lord or His word. But I have wondered what He is doing to me. However, I knew that the Lord was with me and would heal me.

The minute I started feeling better, I was praising and thanking the Lord. I know that He realizes what a weak person He is dealing with and He knows everything about me. He has never left me during these trials and tribulations and He has never ever stopped loving me. I have screamed at Him to help me and I know all I had to do was whisper because He is with me and will not fail me. I have to learn to not be dismayed or afraid. God will take care of me. He will see me through the hard times and bring me to the light of day. The Lord is mighty to save and has saved me over and over again. He calms my fears and wraps me in His arms. He is truly my shelter from all the fears I have faced and am facing. I am eternally greatful for His unconditional love and care!

Ron is in Pomona Rehab. Center. He is doing well over there but he hates it. He wants to come home and I know he gets mad at me that he can't come home. I keep telling him he has to get better and he will if he thinks positive and tries hard. He is going to work with rehab. today on his arms and legs. He is off of the ventilator and receiving oxygen through a trach. He has lots of secretions, so they cannot take him off of the trach. This is my way of life right now - overseeing Ron's care and seeing him every day. It has become the new "norm". Ron had his heart attack December 23, 2011 and has been home for one week - the week of October 7. In and out of the hospital and back to rehab has been a constant process. I keep praying for Ron and

The Lord is my Stronghold

Ron is settled at Pomona Valley Rehab. Center. It's not like Reche Canyon, but the people are nice and they are taking care of him. Ron is down to 124 lbs. and he is afraid he is dying. What can I say or do to calm his fears? I just keep telling him to be strong and trust the Lord. I tell him to pray for himself because the Lord listens and answers.

My knee is infected and swollen so I am on antibiotics for a month. It is better, but very very slow in getting better. I go back to the doctor tomorrow for a recheck.

I have become so weary of the situation that Ron and I are in. A year ago December 23 was when Ron had his heart attack. Every day is a struggle, but the Lord is my stronghold and although I am weak He is strong. I can only do this one day at a time. I can't look back or look forward right now. One day at a time I can do this - and with the Lord guiding me and blessing me, I will be triumphant over these trials and tribulations. I still have a glimmer of hope that Ron can eventually make it home again. I ask God for this, but not my will but His be done.

The Lord is truly the Stronghold of my life. I will praise Him and love Him and honor Him forever!

Trusting God When We Don't Understand

Frequently during the past two years I have questioned the Lord. I have asked in prayer for so many things. The past two years have been filled with fear, uncertainty, life and death issues, financial woes, loneliness, heartache, misery, doubts - I could go on, but I think you know what Ron and I have been through. Many of my prayers were answered and some have not been answered. I continue to not understand why Ron is living in a cycle of ICU, Step down unit, and then Rehab. He is due to go back to Reche Canyon for Rehab., but I have to be totally honest and reveal that so many times my hopes were high only to be dashed by another trip by ambulance to the ER and ICU.

I do know one thing - I will always trust in the Lord. Job didn't understand when he went through all the fiery trials, but he always trusted the Lord. The Bible is full of the word "trust".

Psalm 112:7,8 - He shall not be afraid of evil tidings; his heart is fixed, trusting in the Lord. His heart is established, he shal not be afraid, until he see his desire upon his enemies.

This is only one of many verses in the book of Psalms talking about trust. When times are rough, that's when our trust goes to work. I have trusted the Lord throughout these past two horrible years. I have seen the Lord work in wondrous ways and I have also seen the cycle that Ron is in. This is what I don't understand. However, the Lord knows what He is doing and I will trust Him with everything that is within me. There is a purpose to this and someday I will see it.

Psalm 46:5 God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved; God will help her when morning comes. Psalm 125:1 Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever.

These verses sustain me and they are God's promises. I stand by these promises. I may not understand what is going on - but this I do know - these two years of fears and trials have brought me to my knees in the presence of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to do that which I've committed onto Him against that day.

Going in circles

Ron is still in ICU. He is stable, but not really better. Everytime he is taken off of the ventilator, he becomes weak and tired and has to be put back on. The doctors and nurses have tried everything and there is really nothing else they can do. He may have to spend the rest of his life on a ventilator in a nursing home. I really do hate to admit this, but unless the Lord decides to perform a miracle on Ron, he is going to live out the rest of his life on life support. I am feelilng so miserable tonight over this and other "life" things. I have asked God for healing, but His will is what has to be done - not mine.

I still have a problem with my knee and have been on three different antibiotics. My knee is swollen and red and I have trouble walking on it. I am better, but I just wish the swelling would go down in my leg. It's hard to bend my knee at all and hard to get comfortable to sleep.

I really have no words of wisdom tonight. I know the Lord is with those whose hearts are breaking and I think I qualify for that. I still aim to take one day at a time and simply ask the Lord to lead me through each and every day. I pray alot more and ask God constantly for help - strength and guidance to get through these rough times.

I will trust the Lord in all things and He will give me the strength to get through this. Every day I seem to feel closer to what Job was going through. Not to any degree as he did - but things are just up and down and all over the place and my life is out of control. I will trust in God who goes before me - he is with me - he will not forsake me. I will Trust in the Lord.

A New Year - hopefully a better one

Ron is still in ICU. He is off of the ventilator but he has gotten another infection. I took a bad fall Thursday night while walking my dogs and I now have a knee that is infected. It is twice the size of the other one and is red, hot, and very painful. I had to go to the hospital for it and now I am on antibiotics. Because of my infection, I cannot go into Ron's room. I was able to talk to him from the doorway, but he got upset seeing me in a wheelchair. I can hardly walk on my leg and had to be wheeled around the hospital by my daughter. I'll heal.

My daughter is not handling these life situations well at all. Being a diabetic, she has to keep her stress under control and believe me her stress is not in control. I continue to worry about Ron and my daughter and my little mishap did not help my daughter at all. I just keep praying for God to take all of this and bless us someway, somehow. I am really having a hard time myself right now. I've been in this place before, but it is so wearing and so tiring to not be able to see beyond some pretty dark days.

I just want to share that I know the darkness will break out into dawn. I know "this too shall pass". I just get discouraged sometimes and feel as if I cannot take anymore. I will continue to pray for my family - especially my daughter and Ron. I ask the Lord to grant them both serenity and hope. I ask the Lord to surround each of them with his love and care. I keep trusting Him to take this misery and make it into something that brings happiness and smiles to our lips. I know that the Lord is close to us and He is watching over us.

I pray for a better year.