Blessed Assurance

From Sandy -

My heart is truly rejoicing today. Ron is still off the ventilator - they have taken the feeding tube out of his nose - his infections are gone. The next step in this loooooong recovery is for him to come home. I want everyone everywhere to know that the Lord does indeed answer prayers. I know in my heart with blessed assurance from the Lord himself that Ron is on the road to recovery and to coming home. My prayer now is for Ron to be able to come home to me before he goes home to be with the Lord.

I have never prayed so hard in my life. I have never leaned so hard on God. I have ended my prayers imagining myself touching the hem of Jesus's robe begging Him to heal Ron. I have felt the hand of God touch me with blessed assurance. This healing is a miracle, a gift from God.

Psalm 27:14 always has told me to "Be strong and take heart". I have felt God's strength in me when I couldn't make it on my own. Taking heart, I have always known that "this too shall pass".

I have spoken in an earlier post of "surrendering" Ron. I do believe that once I let go and let God, the Lord stepped in and took control. It was a Tuesday afternoon when Reche Canyon called 911 for Ron - he was very sick with a high fever. He was taken to Loma Linda Hospital and there his journey to recovery and healing was beginning. Yes - he had pneumonia, a blood infection, bowel infection, urinary tract infection - but that was what got him to Kaiser Hospital, Fontana where he was diagnosed with all the infections and given medication and care. That's where the doctors and nurses took the time to wean him off of the ventilator. That's where the feeding tube was removed and now he is eating on his own. That's where the Lord chose to work miracles.

I continue to pray and thank the Lord for his devine help. He is there for anyone who chooses to come to him. He has enveloped me with "Blessed Assurance" - the heavy burdens have been lightened immensely. My Savior lives and He has walked with me throughout this nightmare.

He will bring our trouble to completion

From Sandy -

During this time of illness, worry, anxiety and stress - I know that "this too shall pass". It has been five months now and I realize that there have been many who have endured worse hardships for a much longer period of time. I don't feel sorry for myself because I know that the Lord has taught me so much and has brought me so much closer to Him because of the crisis Ron and I are going through. I am hoping that through this Ron accepts Christ as his personal savior. I know that the Lord is working on him.

Once again Ron was off the ventilator yesterday. I am much more cautious this time about getting my hopes up. But I know that this is a good thing and I am hoping that Ron can permanently get off of it. Sometimes God gives us a peek at what is to be and we have to believe and have faith that He will carry it through. This is the way I am feeling about the ventilator. Being cautious I don't think is a lack of faith - it is simply trusting in the Lord for Him to work and do His will. I do ask for specifics of the Lord and that's o.k. too. God knows that I want Him to be Ron's ventilator - not a machine. I trust the Lord to get the job done! He does bring our troubles to completion. I have hope and faith and tomorrow morning.

Prayer

From Sandy -

I have prayed many times and many different ways for Ron. At first, I prayed for him to live. As time went on and Ron was not getting better, I prayed for him to get off the ventilator and for the Lord to heal him. I have prayed for God's will - I have prayed for the Lord to end Ron's suffering one way or another. I have prayed with faith and I have prayed with doubts. I have prayed with friends and family, I have prayed alone bowing down to the Lord on all fours. I have prayed with thanksgiving and I have prayed with discouragement and desparation. I have taken the time to stop during my prayers and listen to what the Lord might be telling me. I have prayed before opening the Bible and prayed with thanksgiving after closing my Bible.

Prayer is such an important part of my life. It's only through prayer and coming to the Lord that I feel the real and true peace that passes all understanding. It's when I turn worries and concerns over to Him that I realize everything will turn out to be "just fine". I have had so many people tell me how strong I have been throughout this ordeal - with my surgery and with Ron's heart attack. This strength is not coming from me - it's coming from the Lord. I sometimes feel as if I am going to lose my mind if one more thing happens - then I realize that I can go to the Lord and tell Him my fears and concerns and He calms me down right away. I feel His love and His gentle touch giving me the hope and strength to carry on. Sometimes the Lord comforts me through His word in the Bible. Sometimes I envision Him just holding me and loving me and comforting me - drying the tears that are falling down my cheek.

Prayer is what has been my strength throughout this "nightmare" of events. Through Prayer I have come to know the Lord in a very special way and He is my strength and my shield. He has gone before me and paved the way for my footsteps. He is always with me and will never leave me or forsake me. For these reasons, I take courage and know that the sun will shine again - Great is His faithfulness!!

Hanging on to hope

From Sandy -

Different day, different story. That's what is happening on a daily basis with Ron. Day before yesterday he was not good at all. He was tied down to his bed because he was pulling out the feeding tube in his nose. He was agitated and looked horrible - he was "out of it". Yesterday he was calm and looked great. He was untied from the restraints on his bed and actually smiled when I told him I loved him. I continue to be baffled by this roller coaster ride. The Lord is in control of every second of our lives and I put my hope and faith in Him. I don't know what to expect next - The Lord has truly shown me how powerless I am over our lives. The power that we all have is to turn our lives over to Jesus Christ. I forget that and think I can make things better, I can try one more suggestion with the nurses or doctors. I can't do anything except the very most important thing - That's going to the Lord in prayer and trusting Him for the results. I know that sometimes unanswered prayer is God's way of answering our prayers. I have learned so much about the Lord through these trials. I have never lost hope - as long as I know the Lord and love Him with all my heart and soul - hope springs eternal.

I can walk through this day and every day doing the best I can to make me an instrument of God's love. I will be unafraid. I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, the world will give to me. The Lord provides love, calm and peace to us when we accept it. I will let my problems go so that the Holy Spirit can operate in my life and my prayers. There's always hope, faith and tomorrow, and the Lord is tomorrow.

Why are thou cast down, O my soul? and why are thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.

I hope in God - I shall yet praise him. He hears my prayers and loves me just the way I am. What a perfect and beautiful love that is!!

Cautiously Optimistic

From Sandy -

Well - you'll never guess what happened today to Ron. It is his birthday today. He was born on May 16. God gave him a birthday present. Ron was taken off of the ventilator today and has been breathing on his own. The ventilator was turned off. He is on oxygen, but he is taking every breath with the help of God. I can't believe it. I can only pray to our devine Father that He continues to help Ron breathe on his own. It is a magical thing that has happened. Only Our Lord and Savior could do this. I witnessed a miracle. Yesterday my daughter and I visited Ron and he was being suctioned every half hour - he was not looking good - and we were totally discouraged. In fact we rode the 18 miles home in silence. When I got home I cried like a baby. This morning I opened my Bible and read this verse: Hebriews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen". Heprews 11:6 But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him". I read these verses this morning with a heavy heart. I went to the Lord in prayer and told Him that I did have faith in Him. I believe that God can do what I ask. I believe that God's time is not ours - His ways are not ours. He works in ways we cannot see - He will make a way for me. Miracles do happen today as they did in yester year. I know this is a miracle. There may be setbacks, but for some reason I think the Lord waited for His timing and He has become Ron's ventilator. The Lord is working His devine healing on Ron. Praise the Lord. This is such a wonderful thing that has happened today.

I wrote this last night and for some reason I could not post it. Probably God wanted me to wait because Ron is back on the ventilator. I really identify with Job in the Old Testament. I have to be patient and I know that this was a good thing that happened yesterday. He was able to breathe on his own. I have to be honest and tell you I am so disappointed. Even the heros of the Old Testament felt disappointment but the Lord always came through for them. I know that the Lord will come through for us too. I look at Moses, Daniel, David, Abraham, Job - The Lord was always with them and although they were also on a roller coaster ride - The Lord blessed them abundantly. I continue to wait upon the Lord.

Back to the hospital

From Sandy -

Ron was admitted to the hospital again today. This time with a 911 call. He has an infection in the g-tube (where they feed him in the stomach), he has pneumonia, and he has a bladder infection. They rushed him to the hospital because he was running a high fever, his blood pressure was out of control and he was having difficulty breathing. When I left the hospital at 12:30 a.m., he was much better but still had infections and pneumonia.

I feel sometimes like Job in so many ways. Job went through so much. True, I have not gone through anything like Job did, but I am weary, tired, and tonight I am afraid I am depressed about all of this. Five months is a long time to be on a roller coaster ride that you want to get off of. I continue to pray to the Lord and never give up on hope which is eternal. The Lord has promised me that He will surely bless us. I rest on His word. And, I rest in my bed tonight knowing that the Lord God Almighty has Ron and I under His wing. The brightest victories hide in the darkest places.

I will not despair

From Sandy -

Went to see Ron today. I took him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He ate almost all of it and drank a small carton of milk. He looked healthy and seemed to be doing much better. The G-Tube is looking better too. He is taking an antibiotic for the area around the g-tube and the swelling has gone down - no longer looking as bad as it did on Saturday.

What a ride this roller coaster is. Just when I think things look bleak, everything takes a turn for the better. I have come close to despair - giving up - wanting to run away. Of course I wouldn't do this, but I want life to return to "normal". Right now Ron being sick and in a hospital bed is "normal". My going to see him every day is "normal". Ron breathing on a ventilator is "normal". I have not given up hope that this "normal" will improve. I cannot despair as long as I trust the Lord,. I wait patiently for Him to take action. Well, sometimes not so patiently, but I do wait upon the Lord.

As Psalms 27:14 says -
Be strong and take heart.

Be strong, He has not failed you
In all the past,
and will He go and leave you
to sink at last?
No, He said He will hide you
Beneath His wing;
And sweetly there in safety
You then may sing.

Infection in the G-Tube

From Sandy -

Ron has an infection in the g-tube. It's the tube that was inserted in his stomach to feed him. It now is showing blood and around the tube itself it is red and swollen. I would appreciate prayers for him. He thinks he is dying. I told him he was not. I don't feel that this is going to kill him. They are administering antibiotics and hopefully they will do the trick.

When Ron started crying today, I was absolutely brought to my knees. At this point, I don't know what to tell him or what to tell myself. I prayed for him aloud in front of him. He listened. I prayed for the Lord to heal him and make him whole. To strengthen him and grant him peace, love and serenity. Ron stopped crying after my prayer. I know the Lord heard and answered. I shut myself in the restroom after that and prayed again. I went away feeling that Ron would overcome this setback.

To all of you who have been through something like this or are facing something like this - the only way I can overcome fear, despair, heartache - is to trust the Lord. I am doing this right now as I sit here in front of my computer. I sought the Lord and He heard me and delivered me from all my fears.

Our God is Awesome

From Sandy-

When Ron had his colonoscopy in the hospital, a biopsy was taken of ulcerated tissue in the lining of his colon. I was told by the doctor that it could be cancer. The biopsy came back and it was not cancer. How greatful I am for this news. One of the Kaiser nurses was sure it was cancer and informed me he was too weak to ever have surgery. I'm so glad she was proven wrong. I have had some things recently to thank God for. He has answered prayer.

Just when I begin to think He doesn't hear me - He proves to me that He does. Our God is an awesome God!!!

I am still on the roller coaster ride. It's one ride I do hope to get off of. Ron is weak and has to build up his strength once again. The rehab. center will check his blood once a week from now on to see if he needs to have transfusions. I still have lots of hope - however, I have turned Ron over to the Lord and I am prepared for anything at this point. I know that God has gone before us - He knows the future and I trust Him for the outcome. I just sometimes find it hard to cope with all the ups and downs without reaching out to another person. I can't keep using my daughter for this, so I am trying to learn to always lean on the Lord and always come to Him whether in time of need or in time of praise. I have learned to ask Him for help all day and every day. So far, He has given me the strength and stamina to see this through. I would be a basket case without the Lord - without his strength and power to deliver me from the fear and despair that so many times try to grab me away from Him. He is there for me - Our God is an awesome God!!

I will call upon the Lord as long as I live

From Sandy -

Ron is not progressing as I hoped he would after his stay at the hospital. He is so very weak. Of course the hospital did not feed him for four and a half days during his stay due to tests that had to be done. All the while the doctor was telling me he was malnourished. I could not stand seeing him lying there without food or nourishment for such a long time. He has gotten so thin and has no appetite. How the doctors could have taken him off of all feeding while he was already malnourished is beyond me. In my opinion they should have strived to nourish him and then conducted the procedures and tests after he was stronger. I have to admit that tonight I am very disappointed in the hospital care that Ron got - I had a nurse practitioner ask me if I wanted to take him off of all life support and just give him comfort support. I can't begin to tell you how this struck me like a bolt of lightning. Ron is coherent, he eats, writes, walks (with assistance), talks, and definitely wants to get better. What a cold, cruel world we live in that wants to discard someone because they may be elderly and ill. I can't put into words how this has affected me.

The one comfort I have right now is knowing that the Lord is in charge. I don't have to fret and run around like a hampster in a wheel. I just have to trust in the Lord knowing that He overcomes trouble and sorrow. He hears my voice and my supplications. Although I am being "brought low" I know He will help me. He is my eternal hope. I trust the Lord to take our sorrows and tribulations and make them into blessings. I have committed Ron unto the Lord and He will protect and preserve him.

Trusting in the deliverance of the Lord

From Sandy -

Ron was transferred back to Reche Canyon Rehab. Center yesterday evening. He did not get his old room back, but hopefully he will soon. His red blood cell count varies and as of this moment, the doctors did not find the reason for his losing blood. He had his colonoscopy and a biopsy was taken, but results won't be here until tomorrow. I don't understand why Kaiser wanted to transfer him before the results of the biopsy, but I am thanking the Lord that he was able to get back to Reche Canyon.

I feel sometimes that I have been to hell and back during this time of Ron's illness. I get scared and I try to be the wife, caregiver, nurse, doctor - EVERYTHING - for Ron. This is not God's way - I have forced him out and put me in charge. Putting me in charge has definitely placed me somewhere I don't belong. Why is it that I seem to think I can "fix it". I am a Mother and could always "fix" my children's problems (sometimes). I have such a hard time letting go and letting God. I always think there is one more question I can ask - one more idea I can try - one more thing to make Ron do or not do. This only causes disappointment, frustration, insecurities, worry and fretfulness.

I wrote that I had surrendered Ron. Well, guess what - I grabbed him right back. It's so hard for me to be patient and trust the Lord's timing to get things done - not mine. Once again I have to patiently wait and trust in God's deliverance. He is the Creator - He definitely knows what is best for Ron and for me. I have to learn to obey His commands - not direct His ways. Even though my situation seems urgent and I don't know how I will be delivered, I have to trust in the Lord. He has promised to deliver and He knows a way to accomplish it. I call upon Him and He will deliver me and Ron.

This sounds so easy - yet so hard for me. I do call upon the Lord constantly and then take action to do it my way. I will trust in His deliverance and in His healing of Ron. It's much more peaceful and serene to rest in the arms of God and let Him do His work.