In the eye of the storm

From Sandy -

Well once again I feel like I am in the eye of the storm. Ron is back in the hospital. He has lost blood and needed a blood transfusion. He looked so pale on Easter and I knew something was just not right. I had to ask the Doctor to take a blood test and that's when it was found out that his hemoglobin count was 7.4. Normal runs around 10-12. His was so low that he was not getting enough oxygen to the brain.

He will be having a colonoscopy and an endoscopy today. I know he is fearful but the Lord is with him. I don't know if Ron is aware of that, but the Lord is indeed there with him.

I told you a few days ago that I surrendered Ron unto the Lord. I indeed have done that. I didn't panic when I was told he needed a blood transfusion and I was the one to ask that he be moved to the hospital to have tests done. It makes no sense to give him a transfusion when they don't know what the problem is.

I feel as if I am running around in circles. I have not had too many times to just sit and relax. That's o.k. though because I am an energetic person. It just gets sometimes very confusing I have so much to accomplish in a day. I am going to be heading over to the hospital to see what is going on with Ron. I have not said my morning prayers yet, but you know that I will ask the Lord to surround Ron with comfort and peace. I will ask the Lord to keep him in the palm of His hand and minister unto him.

I will patiently wait to see the good God will do in our lives with the calm assurance that He will do it.

One of my favorite songs is "Master the Tempest is Raging" - it describes so much what I am going through - and the promise that there is peace and serenity and the sunshine after this.

Master the tempest is raging
the bellows are tossing high
The sky is oershadowed with blackness
No shelter or help is nigh
Carest thou not that we perish?
How canst thou lie asleep
When each moment so madly is threatening
A grave in the angry deep

The winds and the waves obey they will
peace be still
Whether the wrath of the storm tossed sea
or demons, or men or whatever it be
No water can swallow the ship where lies
The master of ocean and earth and skies
They all shall sweetly obey thy will
peace be still peace be still
They all shall sweetly obey thy will
Peace be still

Master, with anguish of spirit
I bow in my grief today
The depths of my sad heart are troubled
Oh, waken and save, I pray!
Torrents of sin and of anguish
sweep o'er my sinking soul
and I perish I perish dear Master
Hasten and take control

Master the terror is over
The elements sweetly rest
Earth's sun in the calm lake is mirrored
and heaven's within my breast
Linger, Oh blessed Redeemer
Leave me alone no more
And with joy I shall make the blest harbor
And rest on the blissful shore!

He knows the way that I take

From Sandy -
Job 23:10 He knows the way that I take. How wonderful it is to know that the Lord does know what is going on with us. He knows when we are grieving and fearful. He knows when we are joyful and at peace. "He knows." I don't have to tell Jesus what is wrong in my life, He knows. Before I ever come to Him in prayer, He knows what my petitions will be. He walks before me and knows what I will be facing. He walks with me and helps me get through the despair and anxiety. The Lord will never fail us or forsake us. What he asks in return is faith. Sometimes I take the Lord for granted - especially when life is good. It's the difficult times in my life when the Lord has my full attention. At these times I must "Be still and know that He is God". The power that is available through the Lord Jesus Christ is awesome. I have to slow down in life sometimes to see the majesty of the Lord. He is all powerful and He provides the strength to get through anything.

Never in my years on this planet have I been drawn closer to the Lord than I have in the past several months. These months have been difficult to get through, but with the hand of the Lord as my guide, I am making it down a path that has had trials and tribulations. He has been my strength, my shield, my deliverer, my Saviour, my hope, my peace, my joy, my fortress, my rock, my Heavenly Father, my courage, my serenity. There are so many ways of describing our Lord and Saviour. To survive the past year and some months, I did get in touch with Him and always maintained communication with Him. And, even when I grabbed hold with only one little finger of faith, it has been enough to make His power mine to accomplish the acts that have at times overwhelmed me.

He lives, He lives
Christ Jesus lives today
He walks with me and
talks with me
along life's narrow way
You ask me how I know He lives
He lives within my heart

The Lord is there for Ron too. I don't know if Ron recognizes it yet or not - but Jesus is with Ron. I have turned Ron over to the Lord - He will give Ron the strength and courage to overcome. I just pray that Ron will develop a love and faith in the Lord Jesus. That's when the true healing will come about for Ron.

Surrender

From Sandy - this morning I woke up and read the most beautiful thing from "Streams in the Desert". For April 19, it talks about the vs. Exodus 13:14 "Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today". It goes on to say that when we are confronted with dire circumstances and extraordinary difficulties, we need to stand firm listening only to the Master's word. The world would have me give up - lie down and die. But, even in the worst of times God wants us to be courageous, cheerful, and rejoicing in His love, faithfulness and deliverance.

I am quoting a beautiful poem from "Streams in the Desert" -

Be quiet! Why this anxious heed
About your tangled ways?
God kows them all. He gives you speed
And He allows delays.
it's good for you to walk by faith
and not by sight.
Take it on trust a little while.
Soon will you read the mystery aright
In the full sunshine of His smile.

What does this have to do with surrendering? I have tried to force my will and my ways of thinking upon Ron. I have tried to make it right for him. I have tried to take his illness in my own hands amd force the doctors and nurses to do things my way. I have not been able to let go. I have not given God much of a chance to do His work on Ron. I surrendered Ron to the Lord this morning. I can't make him well, I can't get him off of the respirator, I can't force him to eat, or get up out of bed. I surrender onto God the life of my husband. Ron is far better in the Lord's hands than mine. I do trust the Lord and I stand firm on his word. His word that he has revealed to me over and over again that He would take care of things and make things better. I surrender all to the Lord Jesus Christ. Once I let go, He can work His miracles and His will can be accomplished for Ron's life.

Trusting the Lord through our trials

From Sandy - I have had some of the worst months of my life in the past year plus. It's a good thing we don't know the future, because If I had known that these trials would be coming up - it would have made it much worse just with the anticipation. I have gone through alot and I never walked alone. The Lord was with me and went before me in all of them. I am now alone in my home since Ron is in rehabilitation and there are times I do get lonely and scared. All I have to do is stop and realize that I am never alone - The Lord is with me and will never fail me or forsake me.

I am so greatful for the Lord and how He has revealed himself to me in so many ways during these times of tribulation. I feel His presence and know that he is directing my path. However, when I start to take things in my own hands - that's when things get screwed up. God kows the beginning from the end and if I trust Him with the outcome - there is a rainbow and a bright and sunny new day at the end of it.

I wish I knew how to tell Ron about my love for the Lord. He doesn't want to hear. I have tried to tell him about the love that Jesus has for Him but he has to be able to open his ears so he can let the words in. He has to open his soul to let the Lord come in and work his miracles. I have to pray for the Lord Jesus Christ to open Ron's mind and soul to the love that Jesus has for him. I know the difference He has made in my life - if only Ron would allow Him to make a difference in his life. I have learned throughout life that we have to hit bottom before we realize there is something wrong and before we realize that we need help. Ron has gone through alot and suffered alot, I pray for him that he accepts Jesus as his personal Savior and knows the difference his life will be with Jesus. I still know for myself "I want Jesus to walk with me".

Through the trials I have experienced - I have been closer to the Lord than ever before. this in itself is a blessing. I have found that as long as I have my faith and the love of God - I have everything. The riches of this earth mean nothing if you don't have the peace that passes understanding and know that the Lord is with you through thick and thin.

Don't look at difficulties - Look to God

From Sandy - When I use a magnifying glass to see what is happening in my life with all the fear, loss of income, loss of possessions, Ron's loss of health - I get literally sick to my stomach. I know that I have to turn all of these worries and anxious thoughts over to the Lord God Almighty. When I have anxious thoughts about what tomorrow brings, I am literally distancing myself from the Lord. The Bible speaks of so many heros that obeyed God in spite of what the world told them; and, with God's help they succeeded in a way they would have never dreamed of. I have heard the saying "you can measure your faith by the distance you are from God". How true this is. God's ways are not our ways. He is the Creator and He can do things and work miracles that our earthly minds cannot even conceive. There's so much peace and rest when I dwell upon God's word and His love for me. It still boggles my mind that we are as numerous as the pebbles of sand on the beach and yet He does listen to each and every one of us when we come to Him. I sometimes visualize myself as just a little pebble among many calling for God - and He bends down to hear my prayer. How small I am is how great and magnificent He is. It is so important for all of us who may be going through trials to focus on the Lord. That's easy for me to say, and sometimes hard for me to do. However, when I do get my mind off of this earthly place of anxiety and fear, I feel the peace of God that passes understanding. His presence is real to me when I get out of this world and center my thoughts and my whole being on the Lord. I'm sure you've seen the bumper sticker on cars - No God, No Peace: Know God, Know Peace. He brings me peace and hope and strength. He is my shield and my strength. He is holding me up when I feel as if I can't take any more. He is in my tomorrows and has them planned out for me - for good things, not bad!!! I wait upon the Lord with hope and faith and a bright and shining tomorrow. Ron is doing well but he is very depressed. He blames himself for the predicament that we are in and unfortunately I did tell him about our predicament. I pray for him and myself that we can nourish hope and faith, that we can grow in the knowledge that Jesus is God and He can do all things and He does hear our prayers and He does love us and He does have a brighter future out there for us. This too shall pass. All I have to do when I am feeling down is to think of what Jesus Christ went through on his way to the cross. The pain, suffering, humiliation he endured to give us life and cleanse us of our iniquities. I want Jesus to walk with me.

The Ventilator and Faith

From Sandy - I saw Ron today as I do almost every day, and he looked well to me. He was on the ventilator of course and the ventilator was doing most of the breathing for Ron. The Respiratory Therapist came in so we asked him how Ron was doing. He said that Ron was stable and making no progress as far as the ventilator was concerned. Ron was upset to hear this and wanted to know what he could do. The RT (Respiratory Therapist) told it to him straight. He told Ron that number 1, he had to eat three meals a day. He had to get up out of that bed and participate in life. He had to read or watch t.v. or go into the dining area and be with other people. Mainly, he told Ron to get out of bed and live - move - physically exert himself. He emphasized that eating a good meal three times a day would make him stronger and improve his lungs. Of course being the cheerleader that I have been at times with Ron, I joined in with the RT and emphasized how important it was for Ron to eat and just "live".. There are many things at Reche Canyon that people can participate in, but Ron has preferred to lay in bed. Any way, after the RT left, Ron broke down and cried. That broke my heart and I was at a loss for words. He said he is trying his best and no one knows what he is going through. Of course that is true, but sometimes what we want we have to fight for and I know that Ron will have to fight for the strength to breathe. This illness of Ron's has been traumatic in so many ways. I am selling some of our furnishings and collectibles so we can have an "emergency fund". The state of California will literally own everything we have once Ron has completed his 100 days of rehabilitation and we file for MediCal. Sometimes I get so scared just thinking about what has come about and what is to be. At times like this I have to be still and know that the Lord is my strength. I am weak but He is strong. I do believe that Ron will someday get off of the ventilator and breathe on his own. I put my trust and faith in the Lord and I know that the Lord has heard my prayers concerning Ron. Isaiah 40:31 But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Someday I pray that Ron will soar and run and not grow weary. I put my hope in the Lord - Ron has to learn to put his hope in the Lord. I will have to pray for Ron's faith to grow and for him to trust his body to the Lord. I don't know where Ron's faith is - but I do know that the Lord loves him and is holding him in the palm of His hand.

Our thorns in life

From Sandy - The Lord uses the pain and suffering in our lifes to lead us to a life that is filled with Him and His blessings. I know this because I have been through some stuff in the last 13 months and through it all I have sought the Lord. Through it all, the Lord has blessed me. I have found out who my true friends really are and I know that they love me as I love them. I have found that I am stronger than I thought I was (through God's help). I have found out that I can make financial decisions that are wise - something I have never done before (again with God's guidance and help). I have met so many wonderful people throughout this year. Ron's roommate is simply the best. I know he has suffered greatly from West Nile Virus and was paralyzed - he has such a wonderful attitude and he blesses my husband daily just by sharing the same room with him. My daughter and her boyfriend have always been there for me when I have needed help. I am never alone - not only are my children and freinds there for me - most of all I have come to know that the Lord - He is with me and walks with me throughout all I am going through. The Lord, He it is that doth go before me - He is with me, He will not fail me nor forsake me; I will fear not, neither be dismayed. These are words straight from the Bible and this is the verse that I will cling to for the rest of my life. Although the thorns have hurt and caused pain, I know that these thorns have caused wonderful growth in my life. My life has changed and I am completely one of God's children. He has me - He has won me over. I do believe in Jesus Christ as my Savior and the Lord God Almighty as my Heavenly Father. What a most blessed life I have as long as I continue to walk down the path with Jesus as my guide. I have to admit that there are times I don't feel quite so blessed, but tonight I just had to share how I feel about my Lord. I have been such a sinner and so selfish and so judgmental, yet through it all the Lord has been there and loved me through all that I have and am going through. He is the air I breathe, the love I feel, the beauty that I see - He is my Heavenly Father, Savior and Counselor. In the midst of these thorns, I am truly blessed.

Proverbs 23:18

From Sandy - Proverbs 23:18 "For surely there is an end; and thine expectation shall not be cut off". This verse is so meaningful to me. I know it is meaningful to others too that are going through hard times. The Lord is telling me that there will be an end to Ron's illness and our trials and that our hope will not be cut off. The Lord so often speaks to me through His Holy Bible. I was reading my "Streams in the Desert" book and came upon this verse for April 6. It was as if God himself had given His word to reassure me and let me know that my hopes for Ron will be fulfilled. I'm so glad that I have come to know the Lord in such a way that He is truly my Heavenly Father. I think of Him sometimes as a loving Father who knows all the answers, can calm all the storms, and heal all the disease and suffering. At other times I think of Him as the Creator - the beginning and the end. The Holy Lord God Almighty who reigns over heaven and earth. It's a miracle to me that He even knows about me and listens to my prayers. Yet - I know that He does and I know that He loves someone even as insignificant as myself. For Him to speak to me as He did tonight through His word, I feel so blessed and truly in awe of Him. This verse is a work in progress in my life and Ron's. Ron is better. He can feed himself, walk a few steps with assistance, and he is also in the process of being weaned off the ventilator. All of this is taking time, but I know that there is an end to Ron's illness and he is definitely taking baby steps each day getting better. Even though he can be grouchy, he is getting stronger and doing what is requested of him by the therapists at Reche Canyon to recover. I guess it's a sign he is getting better when he is cranky and grouchy because he is fighting the illness with all that he's got. He wants to come home and I just have to try and be more patient and understanding of where he is coming from. His life has been put on hold since his heart attack and he has literally been to Hell and back. I would be cranky too. For those of you that know Susan - her Mother passed away this week. Please keep her in your prayers. She has suffered great loss this year and she needs all of our prayers.

God will make a way where there seems to be no way

From Sandy - Another day of driving the 25 miles one way to see Ron. He was not happy at all to see me and seemed very grouchy. He almost looked at me as if he was blaming me for the reason he was at Reche Canyon. I try to support him and talk positive to him, but when it comes to me, he does not want to hear it. He claims that I am mean and uncaring. I don't know how I come across to Ron, maybe he's right, but I just want him to take care of himself and do the right things to get better. In my opinion I am not being mean at all - I am simply trying to get him to do things for himself and eat solid food - plus do physical therapy. By doing these, he will build up strength and positive reinforcement. I know that I am closest to Ron than anyone, and he does not care to hear or want to hear any advice that comes from me. So, I pray for him and ask the Lord to breathe in him the breath of life. Ron is better but I went home sad because he seemed to be so angry with me. I sometimes feel like I don't have a life right now. I am busy taking care of our animals, keeping the house clean, taking care of the yard, paying bills, visiting the lawyer and seeing Ron every day. It just gets discouraging to make the effort every day to see him and find that he does not seem happy at all to see me. I do love him and my heart aches for him, but sometimes positive feedback would be such a blessing. Enough of my complaining - Ron is better - that's a fact and I am forever greatful to the Lord God Almighty. He still has a very long ways to go, but I do know that the Lord is with him and goes before him paving the way for his recovery. There have been so many times that I have been doubtful that Ron would make it. So many times that the lows on this ride have taken me to depths of despair I never dreamed of. But, I do know that the Lord can do things we have never dreamed of. I have to learn how to detach from the outward world and attach myself inwardly to the Lord alone. Through these difficult times, I am learning to depend on the Lord alone. He is God - He is Holy and Almighty - He was, He is and He is to be. He is the creator - He can heal and restore even when we see no way for this to happen. I do believe that He is able to do that which I have committed onto Him against this day. He can make a way where there seems to be no way, He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for me.

There's always hope

From Sandy - Ron is back at Reche Canyon. He was finally put back in his original room and reunited with his roommate and buddy, Jerry. What a blessing that was! Reche Canyon Rehab was totally full and someone else was in the room and bed where Ron was when he left. I was so afraid he would not get back to that room - but he did!! Ron gets so anxious and stressed. I know he is scared and everytime people come in to check on him he's afraid something is wrong. I have been praying that the Lord just surround Ron with His peace that passes all understanding. Ron is eating a little by mouth and that's such a good thing. They removed the catheter - another good thing. Now we have the G-Tube (stomach feeding tube) and the ventilator. Two down and two to go. I have hope. It's true that this whole thing has been a wild roller coaster ride and when that ride goes down - so do my hopes. However, I feel in my heart and soul that the Lord will heal Ron completely. Of course, that's easy for me to say right now because Ron is better (I think). I have asked God to guide my every thought and action as I seek to do what is best for Ron and our financial situation. I have also asked God to put the right feelings in my heart. So far, everything I feel and have read in my "Streams in the Desert" book and the Bible indicate that the Lord is healing Ron. Even though it seems really hard right now for Ron to ever be weaned off of the ventilator, I know that no earthly circumstance can hinder the fulfillment of God's Word. I must look steadfastly at God's Word and not at the uncertainty of this everchanging world. When once His Word is past, When He has said "I will", The thing will come at last; God keeps His promise still. AND GOD SAID.... AND IT WAS SO.