Finding life after losing a loved one

I am finding myself feeling lost and oh so alone at times since the passing of my husband.  Having shared my life with him for 44 years, it is hard to think of making decisions and carrying on without him.  Yet, this I must do.  I have life to live and I know that the Lord wants me to use the years I have left to experience life, but most of all love and be loved.

I find that when I spend time alone during the day, my mind goes all over the place and thoughts of grief take over.  I know it is important to grieve, but it's not good to let the grief consume you.  I have given in to grief to the point that I almost break down mentally and am not able to cope with everyday life.  Therefore, I have sought out counseling and am planning to volunteer somewhere just to be able to adjust to the loss in my life.

The counselor suggested writing Ron a letter to express my feelings and how I miss him.  I plan to do this soon.  I know that by volunteering I can give back to those who are going through their own pain and grief.  I am planning to volunteer in a hospital since I know from experience the suffering that goes on there. 

I have been blessed with so many wonderful friends.  They are a constant source of strength for my ability to cope.  However, the greatest light through this darkness of grief has been my faith in Jesus Christ my Savior.  I realize that I am never alone and He is always here with me.  I know that brighter days are ahead and until they come the Lord will be my comfort, my strength, my fortress.  When brigthter days appear on the horizon, Jesus will not leave me.  He will be with me through the light as well as the darkness.  He has been and will always be my light in the darkness. 

Whether you believe as I do or  not, there is so much relief in knowing that a Higher Power is watching over you.  His love is out there for everyone and I cannot put into words the peace and serenity that comes over me when I am drawn back to the source of my life. That source for me is the Lord and I know that He loves me unconditionally and will never leave me or forsake me.

I remain in His care and through Him will find the peace that passes all understanding.

Seeing light through the darkness

During the past months - I have given alot of thought to Job of the bible.  He endured so much.  He faced afflictions and trials almost unbearable to think of.  Yet he never lost his faith in God.  And, because of these trials, he is remembered in God's Word.

Sometimes our most sorrowful days become the best in our lives.  Our true faith and trust in God are greatly diminished when we are lighthearted and cheerful.  We miss the deepest things of life.  Of course being lighthearted and cheerful are our goals, but if we were surrounded by these feelings always, the capacity of our hearts would often be wasted.  The heart is dwarfed and shallow when it experiences no pain.

I have identified with Job many times during the past two years.  His story has given me strength to keep on going.  At the end of Job's life, God blessed him more than at the beginning. 

Jesus said "Blessed are those who mourn".  I have mourned and will continue to miss my soul mate.  But I know that my heart has grown and I feel wiser having endured the past two years.  The Lord has been with me throughout the dark days and I feel His light coming into my life.  I trust in Him who made me to continue a good work through me.  Don't know what that will be, but I am willing and able to work for the Lord.

Feeling Lost and Alone

Ron is in a better place and right now I am in a worse place.  I feel lost, alone and sometimes completely worthless.  It's truly amazing the feelings that I have experienced throughout this whole time of Ron's illness and passing.

I know that the Lord is with me and I know that I derive all the strength I have from Him.  But, I sometimes get so scared and feel so alone in this world.  I should be beating myself up for having feelings like this, but I am human and I am allowing myself a break to be this way right now.  I am going for counseling and have attended a small group.  Our church has a group meeting on grief - but not until August - so I plan on attending that as well. 

My life has definitely changed a whole lot.  I lived 44 years with Ron and have always had his companionship whether it was good or bad - he was here and there was love.  I had someone to talk to about the children or certain situations that came up with friends and family.  I am feeling the loss of his companionship and just another person sharing my life with.  "Lost" is the word that defines me right now.  I'm not sure what to do, how to live or for that matter, how to make decisions.  I am making decisions and with the Lord's guidance I know they are the right ones, but it is still sometimes scary to think I will be the one to make all decisions and living with whatever consequences they may bring.

I truly knew in my heart that Ron would go before me, but I didn't think I would take his passing so hard.  We had alot of ups and downs in our marriage and although I loved him with all my heart, I didn't like him sometimes.  I had my friends and did my own things and Ron mainly watched sports on t.v. and did alot of reading.  So, although our lives were not exactly lived "together", we shared children, pets, a home, and love. 

I feel so guilty for not being there when Ron passed.  I had left two hours earlier thinking he would make it through the night.  The week or two before he passed away, I did not go see him every day.  Although I knew in my heart that he was getting worse, I still clung to the fact that he would come out of it and that I could get him home.  I entertained friends for lunch the day before he passed away and spent the day of his passing with my little granddaughter and her friend.  I feel like I truly let Ron down and was not there for him in his final moments.  I feel so horrible inside for having put others before him.

I had spent over 15 months seeing Ron and trying to make sure he was given the right medications and comfortable and taken care of.  I tried every day to go see him - maybe totally I missed about 15 days out of those 15 months that I did not go to see him.  Then, in Ron's worst moments, I feel as if I desserted him.  I can't tell him I am sorry - but I have told the Lord to tell him.  I have told Ron hundreds of times since his passing how much I love him.  I feel that he hears me in some way.  It is so painful to think of how Ron suffered and then suffered alone without me or his children by his bedside at the end.  We were there up until two hours before he passed away.  We went home at 6:30 p.m. and I got the call around 8:30 p.m. that he was gone.

Anyway, it does no good to beat myself up.  I feel horrible and I know I could have spent more time with him those last two days to hold his hand and tell him how much I loved him.  This is guilt I will carry with me the rest of my life.  I was selfish with my time and it hurt so much to see him in a coma and plugged in to so many hoses and cords.  I wanted to spare myself pain and yet the brief pain I spared myself will be a lifelong pain I will carry with me. 

Well I have poured out my feelings here on this blog.  I know that there will be good and bad days experiencing the grief of my loss.  There will be days I can forgive myself for not being there at the end for Ron and there will be days when I cannot.  My life is in the Lord's hands and He will see me through the pain and failure that I am feeling.  My trust and faith in the Lord is the medication I take every day to get me through this great "loss" in my life.  He is with me and will not forsake me.  He is close to me and will heal my heart.  I remain forever in the Lord's care.

Lamentations 3:31-33

This verse means the world to me - I cling to it because of its' great message and wanted to share it.

"For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men." Lamentations 3:31-33

Ron's afflictions are gone and he is in the Lord's care.  My grief will eventually go away because He loves me!

Being thankful to God no matter what

During my lifetime I have asked the Lord for a multitude of things.  I have demanded Him to act quickly and I have gotten mad at Him when things weren't done the way I wanted them done.

Sometimes I have remembered to thank the Lord when He has answered my prayer and sometimes I have gotten so wrapped up in living that I have forgotten to thank Him.

Philippians 4:6-7 tells us "In nothing be anxious; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.  And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus"

I am always anxious about things and when I do bring my anxieties before the Lord, He blesses me with peace and serenity.  He takes care of the anxieties and calms my soul.  However, do I thank Him for each time He does this for me?  I'm afraid the answer is no.  I get in too much of a hurry and let life consume my efforts and thoughts. 

Being thankful to God brings about a closeness to Him and allows the Holy Spirit to enter our lives.  When I take the time to say thank you to the Lord, I realize how much I depend upon him and realize how much He has done for me.  Returning thanks for the blessings we have already received increases our faith and gives us the assurance that He does listen to us.

Honestly, I haven't felt very thankful lately.  I have had loss and stress, illness and death to deal with.  However, I am thankful that the Lord was by my side through all of the "hell" of the past two years.  I am thankful that Ron is no longer experiencing his personal hell here on earth.  I am thankful that the Lord has him and that Ron is experiencing happiness and peace for the first time like never before in his life.  I am thankful that I am able to keep our home and live out the rest of my life here if I choose to.  I am thankful for amazing friends that have been with me through everything.  I am thankful for my two little dogs that have been my companions and have loved me unconditionally for the past 16 months.  I am thankful I live in the United States of America and have so many comforts in my life.  I am thankful for lessons I have learned throughout the past two years - and I feel that I have learned them well.  I am thankful for good health and that I am able to take care of myself and our home.  I am thankful for amazing grace that has saved a wretch like me.  I am thankful for Jesus Christ who made it possible for my sins to be forgiven.  I am thankful for the Lord - the power that is so much higher than me - that is all knowing and all loving and is in charge of me when I allow Him to be.  I am most of all thankful that the Lord loves even me.  This is the greatest miracle to me that Almighty God who is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever loves "even me". 

I give thanks!

God is truly our Heavenly Father

Ron left this earth to be with the Lord three and a half weeks ago.  I cannot tell you how many times grief has gripped my heart over the past few days and weeks.  I miss him and wanted so much more for him.  I have guilt because he didn't make it back home where he wanted to die.  He begged me not to let him die in the hospital.  He was always so weak and sick, and needed so much to help him breathe and get nutrition - I couldn't bring him home.  But I will always regret the fact that I didn't bring him home.

I have gone through so many different feelings since Ron's passing.  I have been relieved that he is not suffering any longer.  I miss him and want to tell him things and can't.  My heart aches for him and I wanted him to find happiness here on earth - I question whether he was happy over the past few years.  I'm scared of being by myself and facing decisions by myself.  I grieve for the love Ron and I once had.  When we were married 44 years ago, I loved him so much that it hurt.  I couldn't stand to be away from him for one minute.  My love was genuine and pure.  As the years went by- love changed.  It was not as intense, but Ron became my partner, the father of my children, my friend, and someone whom I wanted the very best for.  Ron had issues and sometimes he was definitely a closed and locked book that no one could open.  I knew Ron and yet I didn't know him. 

I went to church on Sundays and Ron stayed home and watched sports on t.v. on Sundays.  Ron was a godly man and did so much during his life for others.  But, he never revealed to me his thoughts on loving the Lord.  I know he respected God and he was baptised as a child, but I never really knew where Ron stood with God.  I asked him about Jesus and he said he knew all about him.  He told me he accepted him as his Savior and I am believing that he did. 

However, I am one to seek answers and have a finality to everything.  I just have to share something wonderful that came to me last Saturday evening.  Our church has a service on Saturdays and because I was going to be unable to attend church on Sunday, I attended on Saturday evening.  There were lanterns placed throughout the church and one lantern up in the front was lit - the others were not.  Our pastor shared that the one lit was a flame that had actually been brought from Bethlehem.  The other lanterns were then lit by this one flame.  Lights were turned off and our pastor asked us to meditate and spend time with the Lord.  While I was doing this a small whisper came to me and said "It is enough to say I have him".  Now I knew exactly what my Heavenly Father was saying - He told me to stop seeking answers to "why" everything happened as it did with Ron and to know that Ron is now with Jesus.  I know this and believe it with all my heart because the Lord told me in his most quiet and loving way.

The Lord carries me!

I am having lots of flashbacks about Ron.  I remember so many things that I have not thought about for years.  Some of them bring an instant flood of tears.  I cannot get through a day without thinking of him at least 100 times.  I miss him and have such a problem understanding why he had to suffer as he did for 15 months.  The Lord does not always tell us why He does things.  However, I will spend the rest of my life trying to find the answer to the why of this.

I get scared when I think about being alone here in our home.  I don't know what the future brings and I have to confess I do busy things to keep me from thinking about my situation - keeping busy also keeps me from spending time with God.  I want to set aside a time each day to spend with the Lord - I cannot hear him when I allow the world and activities to interfere. 

I know there is certainly room up in heaven for one more soul.  I pray that Ron is there with all of his animals.  In fact, I believe that the Lord allowed me to envision Ron surrounded by our pot belly pigs, our cats, dogs, goats, donkeys and horse.  I did see this in my mind's eye!  If God can allow flowers to grow in heaven, He can certainly allow those of us who love our pets so much to have them with us in heaven.  I know the Bible does not address this anywhere, but who is to say that this is not so.  I believe that our animals will be with us in eternal life.  After all, they love us unconditionally, never talk back, and are our companions through the thick and the thin of it.  Therefore, I know in my heart that the Lord has given Ron this extra love.

Never have I walked a day without the Lord in my life.  Now more than ever, I need the Lord's direction and strength.  I do believe that He is carrying me through the grief, sadness and emptiness that I feel.  I have to go through these feelings to get to the other side.  I cannot deny these feelings and I have to claim them as mine.  By claiming them, I can move on and realize that these feelings are part of my humanity.  The Lord will carry me when I become overwhelmed by them.  The Lord will carry me and lift the burdens of my loss.

Knowing that I will go on and that the Lord will direct my path gives me the hope and strength to get through the day.  My life is not the same and never will be.  One thing guaranteed in our life is change.  We may go years without anything being different and then all of a sudden everything is turned upside down.  Even in the "upside down" of my life, I know my Savior is with me and when the burdens become too heavy, it is then that He lifts me up and carries me.

The first day of the rest of my life

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.  I am now a widow living in a house that belonged to Ron and I.  It is not a small house nor a large house, but it is my home and I appreciate the fact that I have a nice home to live in.  I have some lovely things in this home that Ron provided me with.  He was a provider and definitely was a generous man.  I still think I am in a dream world at times.  After living with someone for 44 years, I was so used to smelling the coffee in the morning and hearing the rattle of the newspaper as he sat in his favorite chair in the family room. 

Ron loved his country and worked for the Navy for 35 years.  He always kept up on the news.  FOX news was on t.v. almost every waking minute so Ron could know exactly what was going on.  He was a Republican and his views were strong.  He loved God and his country and now he is with the Lord.

Today is a beautiful day.  Spring flowers are blooming and the weather is warming.  I went out to look at some of my potted plants this morning, and to my surprise, an orange daisy was blooming that usually does not bloom twice in a year.  It bloomed weeks earlier and again there is a beautiful orange flower - looking at this flower, I suddenly realized that Ron is blooming up in Heaven.  It was almost as if the Lord whispered in my ear "see this plant, it is blooming and beautiful just as Ron is blooming and beautiful with me".  He has died to the old life of pain, sickness, weakness, illness, fear, stress, anxiety, and is experiencing love, peace, strength, joy, happiness and no trace of anything coming close to sickness.

I rejoice that Ron is with the Lord and he finally knows what true happiness and joy really are.  Although I miss him and I feel at times lost and lonely, I am so glad that Ron is through with the suffering and the pain.  Ron is blooming up in heaven.

Because Ron is experiencing a brand new and wonderful life far beyond what we as humans can comprehend, I will live my life the best I can.  Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I will be more giving, more caring, more loving, more helpful and always available to those in need.  I have to be self-sacrificing to help others.  I still don't know how this will come to pass - but the Lord knows and He will show me the way.

A day in my life without Ron

Life at its best is uncertain and can change in the blink of an eye.

Although Ron went through many illnesses and infections that sucked the life out of his body, I still felt hope, but I also felt a sense of loss. It's funny how our feelings can go in two different directions. Hope was always alive as long as Ron was alive; however, the evidence of what my eyes saw as Ron became weaker and his body was wasting away was telling me that the outcome would not be good.

I had 15 months to live by myself and take care of things here at home. Sometimes I think that was God's way of paving a road for me that would be more familiar once the inevitable occurred. I'm still at a loss as to why Ron had to suffer so. I can only hope and pray that someday the Lord will reveal the "why" of this.

Ron told me he accepted Jesus as his savior. I don't know what was going on in Ron's mind or if he prayed - I'm sure he did pray because I would often tell Ron to ask the Lord to help him. Ron told me he prayed. Ron is definitely not in hell - he already lived that on earth for the past 15 months. He is with the Lord and seeing beautiful things and experiencing love in its purest and hghest form. He is also with his beloved animals that he loved so very much. After all, the Lord knows what makes us feel loved and happy - for Ron it was his animals.

I am alone and I feel lost and I am grieving. I don't expect this feeling to go away all of a sudden, but I am hoping to get better as the days, weeks and months go by. I trust in the Lord to be my strength during this time and I know that He is always with me.

I cannot question the Lord's timing, but I do have so many questions for Him. The Lord is my refuge during this time of darkness. I trust Him and know that Ron is now safe and well in heaven and I will be delivered from grief and sorrow. I only pray that the Lord can now use me in some way to help others who are going through similar situations.

Remembering Ron

Ron was born in Rockford, IL in 1939. He was an educated man with a bachelor's degree and two master's degrees. He loved his country and was very conservative when it came to anything regarding government.

He loved animals and had four cats and two dogs that he adored. He missed them so much during the months he was in the hospital or nursing home.

During the 44 years that we were married, he went to the doctor once and to the dentist once. He never took care of himself and when he was told he had the heart attack on December 23, 2010 - he was also told that he had heart attacks in the years past. I could tell when he didn't feel good and would encourage him to go to the doctor, but he would have none of it. He smoked two packs of cigarettes a day up until the day of the major heart attack. His lungs and heart were greatly damaged from smoking.

He suffered more than a human being should be allowed to suffer during the 15 months of his illness. He had so many infections and illnesses - one right after another. At his weakest point he had to have colon surgery. This one surgery in itself is major and I feel that it was what finally weakened Ron's body so that he could no longer fight. However, without the surgery he would have died - so it was a "no win" situation.

I miss him and know that he is with our Lord.

He worked as an engineer and his intelligence at times astounded me. Guess that's one reason why it became so sad to see him confused and "out of it" during the last days of his life.

I will always love him and the world is not the same without Ron in it. Although he was 72 years old, I feel he left too soon. But, who can argue with God. He saw fit to take Ron and at the end I was simply asking for God's will to be done. I don't understand why he suffered so and was only home for 8 days, but God had a plan. God did not want Ron to misuse his body by smoking and making bad choices in his life, but God gives us a free will. Therefore, Ron's health was greatly at risk and his lifestyle was his demise.

I feel lost and sad today - the day of his memorial. I will speak at the memorial and ask the Lord for strength so I don't break down. Ron was always here and although we had our ups and downs, love was forever in the middle.

I ask the Lord to send up words of love from me to Ron - My heart hurts and my life seems empty right now.

Easter

Today is Easter - resurrection! Today is a day to rejoice and know that this life is not the end. We are only here for such a small amount of time and those who know Jesus, know there is eternal life with Him.

Ron is spending his first day in heaven. He is rejoicing because his tired, worn out earthly body is gone and has been replaced with his beautiful amazing spiritual body. He is touching the hand of God and knowing what perfect love is all about.

The dogs and cats and other animals that passed before Ron are there to greet him. He is surrounded by love and beauty and amazing glorious sights. Ron is not at rest - he is at peace and he is experiencing heaven!!! I can't even imagine how busy Ron is experiencing the joy and happiness of eternal life with God.

I praise the Lord for taking Ron's pain and suffering away. He suffered more than any man I know of except Jesus Christ.

Although I grieve for him and wish I could just talk to him one more time, I know his earthly cares and woes are gone - the great burden that was his weak and frail body is gone. I rejoice in the fact that Ron is with the Lord. I grieve in the fact that on this earth I will never hear his voice or see his face again and I will always miss him. I will always love my dear husband!!!

This evening, April 5, Ron went to be with the Lord

Ron's suffering ended this evening. My beloved husband went to be with the Lord tonight at 8:30 p.m. He fought the good fight, but tonight the battle has ended.

I feel pretty empty right now as I write these words. Ron was a good man who loved his family and adored his dogs and cats. He was a gentle man who had bouts of anger, but always knew how to say "I'm sorry".

Right now I'm at a loss for words because my heart hurts. I honestly thought Ron would be able to get better and come home, but that's not what happened. His body was tired and weak and Ron was simply worn out. He died with pneumonia, a collapsed lung, urinary tract infection, malnutrition, dehydration, congestive heart failure. At times during these past 15 months, he was able to fight off various forms of these illnesses, but to have them all together was just too much for his frail body.

I asked him not too long ago if he believed that Jesus was his Savior and he told me yes. I know that Ron is with the Lord - his body is whole and he can breathe and walk and talk. He is walking hand in hand with Jesus!!

I would write more but right now everything is pretty painful. I keep thinking I'm in a bad dream and that soon I will wake up, but that's not the case.

The Lord heard our prayers and took Ron to be with him!!!!!!!

He is never late - learn to wait

It has been fifteen months yesterday since Ron had his heart attack that sent him to surgery and to months and months of hospitalization. I can't really say at this time that there has been much recovery involved in these months of watching Ron get better and then get worse. It seems that when he was most recovered a setback would take him back to ICU.

I cannot even begin to tell you of the discouragement that Ron, I and our family have felt during these times when he had a setback. I truly don't understand why Ron is still alive as he has endured infection after infection, a life threatening surgery, pneumonia, loss of blood, confusion and agitation, malnourishment, kidney failure. I probably still haven't covered all of the things that have gone wrong in the past several months.

Throughout his ordeal, I have tried to keep things "together". I have to admit that there were times I nearly lost it. I have had to face trials that I never thought would happen to us. I have not only faced trials concerning Ron, but my daughter had a breakdown during this time and I have had to put two of our pets to sleep. The struggle to "keep going" has been real and long and weary. I have found myself alone in making life and death decisions and making financial decisions.

During these months of sometimes being overwhelmed and feeling desolate, I have turned to the Lord for strength and support. He has not failed me. He has been my comfort when I felt so alone and lost. He has mapped my path so I would not get too lost and has brought me back to the straight and narrow when I wanted to run away. He is my comfort in my affliction.

I have so wanted this ordeal to end. I have always been an impatient person and waiting is not my best tribute to say the least. However, I am confident that the Lord is with us in this place where we find ourselves and He will act when He deems the time to be right. Without the grace of God, my heart would sink into despair. The Lord tells me in Romans 8:28 - All things work together for good to them that love God. Therefore, I wait upon the Lord to act on our behalf in His time. He goes before us and knows what is best for us. I wait upon the Lord!!!

St. Augustine's prayer

This is a beautiful tribute to our Lord from St. Augustine - It so defines what I have been and what I am becoming - these words and expressions of His glory are magnificent!!!

Too late have I loved you, O Beauty so ancient, O Beauty so new.

Too late have I loved you! You were within me but I was outside myself,

and there I sought you!

In my weakness I ran after the beauty of the things you have made.

You were with me, and I was not with you.

The things you have made kept me from you -

the things which would have no being unless they existed in you!

You have called, you have cried, and you have pierced my deafness.

You have radiated forth, you have shined out brightly, and you have dispelled my blindness.

You have sent forth your fragrance, and I have breathed it in,

and I long for you.

I have tasted you, and I hunger and thirst for you.

You have touched me, and I ardently desire your peace. St. Augustine, 354-430

Is this a miracle?

Is this a miracle? I think so. Ron is doing well and getting stronger every day. The bowel surgery to remove "bad" bowel, gave him a 40% chance of not making it. Already in a weakened condition with congestive heart failure and "smoker's lungs", he endured this life threatening surgery and is now ready to leave the hospital and go to a nursing facility. I cannot believe what trials Ron's body has been through in the past 14 months - Only God knows why and what is being accomplished in Ron and through Ron during these events. I am still praying that Ron will come home. That is the miracle we all want for him.

The Lord tells us to "be not afraid, only believe". He doesn't tell us to do anything except have the faith of being not afraid and believing in His greatness. I am taking every day as it comes and we'll see where this journey takes us. The roller coaster ride has been one of extreme heights and lows - I am so ready to get off and see what God brings about from all of this.

Update on Ron

Ron made it through the surgery and is recovering. His vitals are good although he is experiencing alot of pain. Throughout this present ordeal, he has never become confused or disoriented. He knows exactly what is going on and although he has the tracheotomy and can't talk, he expresses what he wants to doctors, nurses and family.

I am being optimistic (cautiously) that this surgery is what Ron needed all along. The bowel blockage has sent him backwards on several occassions during the past year. Now, we have to just hope and pray that he can get through the recovery, rehabilitate and come home.

My prayers are continual and persistent regarding Ron. If he can come home and enjoy life here with me, it will be so miraculous but not beyond God's ability or will. Surely the Lord has pulled him through so many crises and Ron is still with us. Being human, the roller coaster ride we've been on has sometimes caused so much discouragement. However, I trust that the Lord's will is being done and He is in charge of Ron's earthly body and heavenly soul.

I continue to hope and put my trust in the Lord. He will come through for us!!!

One tough guy with God's grace

Ron had surgery yesterday for a bowel obstruction. It was a serious surgery and Ron came through it. As of today, he is doing well. The Lord is just not wanting to take Ron yet. I can't believe what my husband has gone through and he is still fighting. I am fighting right along with him. I have had to fight with nurses and doctors to just help keep him alive. So many times people have told me (including my daughter) to take him off of all life support and let him go. Of course, this decision was taken from me when Ron was able to speak and told his doctor he wanted full code - every action taken to keep him alive.

Ron wants to live and I feel that this is God-given. The Lord also wants Ron to live or He could have taken him 14 months ago, or 13 months ago, etc. etc. Each and every month for the last 14 months Ron has had a life-threatening setback and yet he is able to come back from the brinks of death. Two code blues - one was when his heart literally stopped beating - he made it through both of these with help of nurses and doctors. So many pneumonias and procedures done on him and he has made it through them all.

I don't know if Ron realizes what he has gone through - some of the time he was in a coma - but I know what he has gone through. It is a miracle that he is alive today. The Lord wants Ron here on earth for a little longer and that has become quite obvious to me. Jesus was with the surgeon yesterday guiding his hands. The surgeon is a Christian and he said Ron would make it through by God's grace. God's grace has guided all of us through 14 months of hell. God's grace is the strength that has seen me through all of the fears and struggles during this time.

All I can say is how can anyone get through this life without trusting the Lord. He told us that in this world there are many tribulations, but to fear not for He has overcome the world.

I am still taking life one day at a time - but each day provides me with a new revelation of God's greatness, grace, love, goodness and mercy. I remain in His care and pray that He will keep my family in His care.

Prayers needed

Psalm 118:8 is meeting me head on tonight. Ron is back in the hospital with possibly pneumonia and a bowel blockage. He is not doing well and as of this minute, I am not sure what is going to be done for him. He has definitely had another setback.

I keep remembering Psalm 118:8... It is better to trust in the Lord than put your confidence in man

I am back to questioning why this is happening to Ron for yet another time. However, I know that the Lord is with Ron and I do trust the Lord. The Lord is my strength and song. I have to trust the Lord right now with all my heart and soul. No - I don't understand this. I may never understand why this keeps happening to Ron. However, I will continue to trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not unto my own understanding.

Psalm 130:5 I wait for the Lord, my soul doth wait, and in His word do I hope

Psalm 130:5 is what I am clinging to - I am waiting and in His wonderful word I have hope.

I am asking for prayers on behalf of Ron. He has fought so hard and comes so close to recovering and then another setback. He's a good man and he doesn't deserve this suffering - I am asking everyone who reads this blog to pray for my husband Ron. My prayer "still" is for him to get better and come home. I love Ron and so does the Lord. I pray that Jesus will send out His divine healing to Ron. I so want Ron to enjoy life here in his home. But just as Jesus prayed when he was alone in the garden of Gethsemane - not my will but Our Heavenly Father's be done!

Psalm 118:8

Psalm 118:8 "It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man"

This verse was brought to my attention through an e-mail from a friend. When I read it at first I simply understood that the Lord is more powerful than man and it is better to trust him than to trust anything that man can do.

However, as I dwelt on this verse I realize that it means something in the lives of Ron and me. During the past 14 months of Ron's illness I cannot count the number of times that nurses and doctors told me to take Ron off of all life support and just allow him to be made comfortable so he could pass in peace. They all said there was nothing else they could do and that Ron's quality of life would be next to nothing. I had meetings with these professionals as they were trying to convince me to let Ron die peacefully. But - the Lord had convicted me many times during Ron's illness that he would not die. The Lord came through one morning in a very direct thought that told me God would save Ron's life to save his soul. I told the doctors and nurses this as they were trying to convince me to stop all efforts in saving his life. They didn't seem to hear me and acted as if I was not facing reality. I have to admit I was swayed back and forth over this - but one fact comes through. God's word and God's healing never swayed and never depended upon anything that these medical professionals could do. The Lord has been with Ron throughout his illness and recovery. Although it has been a roller coaster ride I would never want to take again, Ron is so much better right now. I know in my heart that Ron will get well enough and strong enough to come home. This is our dream - for him to come home. He will have quality in his life and his life will be worth living. The Lord is in charge and calls the shots - not me or all the medical "brainiacs" in the world.

I am still learning to trust the Lord. Sometimes I look at the world through man's eye - but it's when I can see through the Lord's eyes and listen to his quiet voice that I know He has been there all along guiding and loving me through the trials and tribulations. The Lord never lets me down - He didn't promise me a rose garden, but He did promise me love and that's beautiful beyond comprehension - at least for me.

How great is our God. He is indeed a mystery, but He continues to unravel his plans for us if we just trust and listen to His soft spoken messages.

The complainer that I am

I love this verse - Phlippians 2:14-15. I find myself doing lots of complaining about my "problems". The Lord didn't allow me to have these problems so that I could complain about them night and day. He allowed me to have these problems so that I might grow and see Him in the solution of these problems.

To quote from Larry Jones - The brightest victories hide in the darkest places

I tend to gripe and complain about many things. It is certainly not one of my virtues. However, I do know that the Lord allows us to suffer consequences and deal with problems so that we can be the shining star in a world of suffering and hopelessness. We can be the cure for suffering and hopelessness. There is no such word as "hopeless" in the Christian faith. As long as we have Jesus, we have hope, we have salvation, we have eternal life, we have a fortress, a tower of strength, a refuge from the storm.

I can't tell you how many times I have forgotten what Jesus can do for me in the midst of my distresses. I run around in circles, when all I have to do is seek the Lord in prayer and present to Him the problems and crises that are haunting me.

The Lord goes before us and knows what we will have to face. He is prepared to give us the strength, faith and fortitude to get through the storms in our lives. If we never suffered or longed for something, what kind of growth would that be? How strong would we be if we never had to work and strive to be better - to beat down our enemies? The Lord has been giving me quite a workout these past two years. I do feel stronger, my faith has grown, and I know the Lord has been with me throughout all the turmoil and strife. I'm still not "there" yet. He continues to teach me and show me His love and mercy. I feel like I can be a light in this world - maybe giving off only the brightness of a lighted match, but a lit match does give off some light.

I have my weak moments and go backward sometimes. I Let Go and Let God and then grab things back because I think God is taking way too long. I guess this life of mine is one of trial and error, but I do know one thing for sure - the Lord loves me and forgives me and allows me to try again!!!

Another Trial

I would like to ask everyone who reads this blog to pray for my daughter. She broke up this week with her boyfriend of eight years and I'm afraid she's seeing a "very" wrong person that will only ruin her life. She is not telling the truth and is hiding things from me. I don't know where she goes or who she is with. I love her so much and feel in my heart that she is headed down the wrong path. She is a juvenile diabetic and I have always worried about that since she was 10 years old. Now she is sneaking around, not going to church, lying to me, and screwing up her life. She's also drinking too much which is a concern all by itself.

I know the Lord listens to our prayers and I would so appreciate prayers for my daughter. She is a wonderful person, but there's such a difference in her right now. She has deeply hurt her boyfriend and she's hurt me as well. Please keep her in your prayers.

It seems that the Lord is putting alot of pressure on me. When it comes to my children, I can barely take it. I know the Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle, but with this thing about my daughter, I feel like I am losing it. I will continue to seek the Lord and ask for His help for both myself, Ron and my daughter. He hears me and He will save my daughter from destruction.

I'd like to quote this from Streams in the Desert -

"For I will yet praise him" (Ps. 43:5) More prayer, more exercising of our faith, and more patient waiting leads to blessings - abundant blessings. I have found it to be true many hundreds of times, and therefore I continually say to myself, "Put your hope in God." George Mueller

The Lord - He it is that doth go before thee

God is such a mystery. He knows the beginning and the end of our lives and yet he leaves the choices in life up to us. He goes before us - He knows where the path we are on will lead and I know that there are times in life when He intercedes for us. He has saved me from many a disaster in my life and He has covered me with His grace and truth. I know Him and yet I don't know Him. He is a wonderful and majestic mystery that follows me all the days of my life. He has given us His only son to show just how much He loves us. Jesus Christ is God's pure love and forgiveness. In one man, the Lord God Almighty provided us with mercy, grace and truth and unconditional love. When I stop to think about how much the Lord loves me, it is an amazing miracle. The love He has for me and all of us is nothing short of a miracle. I am so human and sometimes so selfish and judgmental and yet He loves even me. My body is not whole, I am getting older and can't do what I used to do and yet He still loves me. He provides me with guidance when I am willing to be led. He provides me with wisdom when I am willing to accept His wisdom. He has never failed me nor forsaken me in spite of my sinful nature. I can't sometimes comprehend how great and wonderful He is - how small and insignificant I am - and yet He still loves me!!

The Lord went before Ron and I during a terrible time of uncertainty, sickness, even threats to our having a home and an income to live on. I have felt His guiding hand throughout the months of distress and uncertainty. The Lord does go before us and provides the help we need in our desperation and weakness. I have felt His guiding hand and heard His gentle voice revealing to me the path ahead and telling me of promises not yet fulfilled. I am truly His and He is mine.

What a friend we have in Jesus - all our sins and griefs to bear. What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer.

Just for today

Things are actually looking a little bit better today. Ron is doing well. They have introduced food to him and he got to drink a glass of milk and a glass of orange juice. He is down to 121 pounds so he really needs to put some weight back on in a big way. He is able to do some exercises and is able to work the controller to the t.v. so he can watch his favorite t.v. show - American Idol. He looks good and seems to be feeling better. I am also very happy with the way Inland Valley Rehab. has taken care of him. They are there 24/7 to meet his needs when he presses the nurse button. They keep him clean and his room clean. So today, I am feeling pretty good about Ron's chances of coming home once again. Of course, it's always in the Lord's hands and His will to be done, but I can't help but think God's will is to bring Ron home.

I am also feeling better. My knee is still red and a little swollen, but I can do everything with it except bend on my knee and put weight on it. The light headedness and lack of energy that I was experiencing are gone and I no longer have that terrible taste in my mouth or an extreme thirst. It's nice to be able to say today that things are all right and maybe even more than a little all right.

This just goes to show me that the Lord moves in His own time. He is not as rushed as we are to get things done and He sees the whole picture, whereas we only have a very narrow view. He takes care of many things for us instead of the one small item that we so desperately want fixed.

From inside the fish Jonah prayed... "In my distress I called to the LORD, and he answered me. From the depths of the grave I called for help, and you listened to my cry." —Jonah 2:1-2

How true is this verse - the Lord has always heard me in my distress and He has always been there to help. Great is His faithfulness!!!

Wow - the trials

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17, NIV

I have been preoccupied with being sicker than a dog. I fell and got cellulitis in my knee - and after the doctors put me on five different medications, I got gastritis. I was throwing up and having major heartburn as well as a tongue with tastebuds that were screwed up. I had dry mouth and the most horrible taste in my mouth - I can't even describe it. I became weak and light headed and simply felt rotten.

Fortunately, today I do feel better. I was taken off of the antibiotics and put on Prilosec which seems to have calmed my stomach. Who knew that antibiotics could cause so many complications?

While I was sick (which was for about two weeks) I have gone through another awakening in my life. I have been completely alone (except for my dogs) and have had to face fears by myself. I have never stopped trusting the Lord, although many times these past few days I asked him why. I have been through these trials with Ron's illness and then I have to face my own. I have never doubted the Lord or His word. But I have wondered what He is doing to me. However, I knew that the Lord was with me and would heal me.

The minute I started feeling better, I was praising and thanking the Lord. I know that He realizes what a weak person He is dealing with and He knows everything about me. He has never left me during these trials and tribulations and He has never ever stopped loving me. I have screamed at Him to help me and I know all I had to do was whisper because He is with me and will not fail me. I have to learn to not be dismayed or afraid. God will take care of me. He will see me through the hard times and bring me to the light of day. The Lord is mighty to save and has saved me over and over again. He calms my fears and wraps me in His arms. He is truly my shelter from all the fears I have faced and am facing. I am eternally greatful for His unconditional love and care!

Ron is in Pomona Rehab. Center. He is doing well over there but he hates it. He wants to come home and I know he gets mad at me that he can't come home. I keep telling him he has to get better and he will if he thinks positive and tries hard. He is going to work with rehab. today on his arms and legs. He is off of the ventilator and receiving oxygen through a trach. He has lots of secretions, so they cannot take him off of the trach. This is my way of life right now - overseeing Ron's care and seeing him every day. It has become the new "norm". Ron had his heart attack December 23, 2011 and has been home for one week - the week of October 7. In and out of the hospital and back to rehab has been a constant process. I keep praying for Ron and

The Lord is my Stronghold

Ron is settled at Pomona Valley Rehab. Center. It's not like Reche Canyon, but the people are nice and they are taking care of him. Ron is down to 124 lbs. and he is afraid he is dying. What can I say or do to calm his fears? I just keep telling him to be strong and trust the Lord. I tell him to pray for himself because the Lord listens and answers.

My knee is infected and swollen so I am on antibiotics for a month. It is better, but very very slow in getting better. I go back to the doctor tomorrow for a recheck.

I have become so weary of the situation that Ron and I are in. A year ago December 23 was when Ron had his heart attack. Every day is a struggle, but the Lord is my stronghold and although I am weak He is strong. I can only do this one day at a time. I can't look back or look forward right now. One day at a time I can do this - and with the Lord guiding me and blessing me, I will be triumphant over these trials and tribulations. I still have a glimmer of hope that Ron can eventually make it home again. I ask God for this, but not my will but His be done.

The Lord is truly the Stronghold of my life. I will praise Him and love Him and honor Him forever!

Trusting God When We Don't Understand

Frequently during the past two years I have questioned the Lord. I have asked in prayer for so many things. The past two years have been filled with fear, uncertainty, life and death issues, financial woes, loneliness, heartache, misery, doubts - I could go on, but I think you know what Ron and I have been through. Many of my prayers were answered and some have not been answered. I continue to not understand why Ron is living in a cycle of ICU, Step down unit, and then Rehab. He is due to go back to Reche Canyon for Rehab., but I have to be totally honest and reveal that so many times my hopes were high only to be dashed by another trip by ambulance to the ER and ICU.

I do know one thing - I will always trust in the Lord. Job didn't understand when he went through all the fiery trials, but he always trusted the Lord. The Bible is full of the word "trust".

Psalm 112:7,8 - He shall not be afraid of evil tidings; his heart is fixed, trusting in the Lord. His heart is established, he shal not be afraid, until he see his desire upon his enemies.

This is only one of many verses in the book of Psalms talking about trust. When times are rough, that's when our trust goes to work. I have trusted the Lord throughout these past two horrible years. I have seen the Lord work in wondrous ways and I have also seen the cycle that Ron is in. This is what I don't understand. However, the Lord knows what He is doing and I will trust Him with everything that is within me. There is a purpose to this and someday I will see it.

Psalm 46:5 God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved; God will help her when morning comes. Psalm 125:1 Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever.

These verses sustain me and they are God's promises. I stand by these promises. I may not understand what is going on - but this I do know - these two years of fears and trials have brought me to my knees in the presence of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to do that which I've committed onto Him against that day.

Going in circles

Ron is still in ICU. He is stable, but not really better. Everytime he is taken off of the ventilator, he becomes weak and tired and has to be put back on. The doctors and nurses have tried everything and there is really nothing else they can do. He may have to spend the rest of his life on a ventilator in a nursing home. I really do hate to admit this, but unless the Lord decides to perform a miracle on Ron, he is going to live out the rest of his life on life support. I am feelilng so miserable tonight over this and other "life" things. I have asked God for healing, but His will is what has to be done - not mine.

I still have a problem with my knee and have been on three different antibiotics. My knee is swollen and red and I have trouble walking on it. I am better, but I just wish the swelling would go down in my leg. It's hard to bend my knee at all and hard to get comfortable to sleep.

I really have no words of wisdom tonight. I know the Lord is with those whose hearts are breaking and I think I qualify for that. I still aim to take one day at a time and simply ask the Lord to lead me through each and every day. I pray alot more and ask God constantly for help - strength and guidance to get through these rough times.

I will trust the Lord in all things and He will give me the strength to get through this. Every day I seem to feel closer to what Job was going through. Not to any degree as he did - but things are just up and down and all over the place and my life is out of control. I will trust in God who goes before me - he is with me - he will not forsake me. I will Trust in the Lord.

A New Year - hopefully a better one

Ron is still in ICU. He is off of the ventilator but he has gotten another infection. I took a bad fall Thursday night while walking my dogs and I now have a knee that is infected. It is twice the size of the other one and is red, hot, and very painful. I had to go to the hospital for it and now I am on antibiotics. Because of my infection, I cannot go into Ron's room. I was able to talk to him from the doorway, but he got upset seeing me in a wheelchair. I can hardly walk on my leg and had to be wheeled around the hospital by my daughter. I'll heal.

My daughter is not handling these life situations well at all. Being a diabetic, she has to keep her stress under control and believe me her stress is not in control. I continue to worry about Ron and my daughter and my little mishap did not help my daughter at all. I just keep praying for God to take all of this and bless us someway, somehow. I am really having a hard time myself right now. I've been in this place before, but it is so wearing and so tiring to not be able to see beyond some pretty dark days.

I just want to share that I know the darkness will break out into dawn. I know "this too shall pass". I just get discouraged sometimes and feel as if I cannot take anymore. I will continue to pray for my family - especially my daughter and Ron. I ask the Lord to grant them both serenity and hope. I ask the Lord to surround each of them with his love and care. I keep trusting Him to take this misery and make it into something that brings happiness and smiles to our lips. I know that the Lord is close to us and He is watching over us.

I pray for a better year.