Friday, October 29, 2010

Pain

From Sandy -

C. S. Lewis wrote: "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts to us in our pain: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world".

What C.S. Lewis wrote is so true. Speaking for myself, when things are going good, I don't listen very hard for God's voice. When I feel as if I have wronged someone or more importantly sinned against God, I hear him loud and clear. When I am in pain, I seek God and he surrounds me and speaks to me in every way possible.

I'm sure everyone has heard the saying "there is no gain without pain". Although I hate pain, I have learned the most valuable lessons by going through it. The fear and pain I have come through over the past few months have taught me all about God's love and how he is able to show it to us through his son and our savior, Jesus Christ. I did hear God - or "felt God's presence" in the pain and misery I found myself in. His megaphone reached my deaf ears and opened my heart to a loving Heavenly Father. My faith has grown and I know that God is real. I have learned to trust him and lean on him. Although I am weak, it is such comfort to know that he is strong and he is able to see me through anything. Because of the sacrifice that Jesus made, I am loved unconditionally and forgiven for my weaknesses.

Dealing with my fears, I actually made the time to stop and meditate. I took a time out from my busy life to think about Jesus and how he healed so many when he dwelt among us. I was able to envision him standing in front of me and putting his arms around me as I knelt before him. I could hear him whisper that he would heal me and be with me. It was a wonderful experience and I know that the Lord was right there with me to assure me and to still my fears.

I hate to admit it, but I am still a little fearful of my next surgery. Again, I will make time for meditation and seek the Lord's healing powers in my life. He is the Great Physician and he will be with me throughout this next go around with surgery.

I feel so blessed to have gotten this close to the Lord. Again, pain led me to him. If I ever had doubts before about God, they have totally gone away. I feel the Lord's presence with me and I know that he hears me when I come to him in prayer.

Living in this uncertain world, there is one certain thing - that is that God was and is and is to be and he loves even me!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Today

From Sandy -

Today I had lunch with a friend and former co-worker. She knows all about my surgery as her husband was in the same hospital, same floor as me at the same time I was there. I had not fully heard the story of how her husband shattered his leg, but I did today. He fell off a shed he was building and landed on a concrete planter. His leg was shattered everywhere as well as his foot - the bones were so shattered that his foot was turned almost backwards. This happened back in March and he still cannot walk. He has had so many surgeries and was actually in intensive care for a while. This friend's sister is young with four children and found out a year ago last August that she has stage 4 lung cancer. She has never smoked and has not been around anything that she knows of that would have caused it. It breaks my heart that my friend is going through all of this. However, it has brought her to her knees. She has turned to God and has asked for his help. My prayers go out to her for strength and to her husband and sister. I can't imagine what they have been through.

I thought that I had a bad year, but nothing compares to what my friend has been through. Having spent time with her today, I went away feeling that what I went through was nothing. I could see her fighting back tears as she was sharing with me about her "baby" sister. I'm so glad that my friend has sought God out through all of this. She came from a country where she was not allowed to worship God, so this is kind of new for her. She's assumed the role of nurse for her husband and goes with her sister to her medical appointments. She has tried to shield her sister from hearing the "worst" and is trying to instill hope in her. I told her that as long as we believe in God, there is always hope.

Cancer is such a horrible disease!

I would just like to ask anyone who reads this blog to consider praying for my friend, her husband and her sister. I am sorry I can't provide names, but God will know who you are praying for.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

It has been so long

Hello to all of you dear people,

I'm so sorry that I have not taken time to write to you. The only time that I am able to do that is when I am at my house. I haven't been there much. When I am there, it is very painful. Some day, I hope to share with you so many wonderful things that the Lord has done.

I also am having to do many things for the attorney, at the most difficult time of my life. Which is another thing I hope to share with you. There are some important things I have learned about trusts.

I have had you all on my mind. The Lord has been telling me to write out a prayer that I had written to Him after Gene's passing. I'm not sure why, but the Lord must want one of you to read it:

October 7, 2010

Dear Jesus,

Wow, I look at my last prayer and blog dated July 26th. Life was normal for me on that day. I don't remember why I hadn't written on the blog in the three days leading up to the 29th, the day of Gene's stroke, but life sure changed for us that day.

I have had my prayer times, of course, during the journey, but this is the first time back at my home. It is so bittersweet. I'm so sad that Gene isn't here with me. Yet, I'm so happy that he is with You, and that I KNOW it. Incredible! (Friends, Gene accepted the Lord on September 3rd! Your prayers were truly being answered! We prayed together, and it was beautiful! I will share more later.)Yet, I'm crying because it hurts so much, and I miss him so. It still doesn't seem real, but it is real.

All I know to say is Thank You for all the miracles You performed along the way. Thank You above all things for Gene's rededicating his life to You. Thank You for holding our hands as we went through this painful ordeal. Thank You for the prayers and comfort of family, friends, and people I didn't even know. I truly felt it.

Thank You for Your Powerful Love and the beautiful last night that Gene and I had together. We truly felt YOUR LOVE emanating in that room and between us as I held him in my arms.

I want so much to serve You. Please guide me each day. Please continue to shine Your lamp on my path. Please tell Gene that I miss him so much, and how much I love him.

I love You, dear Lord. Amen.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith..." (Hebrews 12:2)

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Autumn

From Sandy -

The year has passed by quickly and already we are looking at autumn leaves and pumpkins. This is my favorite time of year. Finally the summer heat is giving in to cooler gentler weather. The days are getting shorter and my favorite t.v. shows are back on.

My granddaughter and I went to church today and then picked up my husband and daughter to have lunch at Polly's Pies. My granddaughter is 9 years old and loves to talk. All during lunch she jabbered about everything under the sun as we ate. While we were sitting there I felt so blessed that I am alive and able to enjoy life. I looked at my little granddaughter with her freckles, red hair and braces and felt so blessed to have this beautiful child. I have taken so much for granted during my life - and now I am so thankful for eveything, even the small things like a denver omlette and country fried potatos.

After lunch, my husband went home and Lisa (my daughter), Cheyenne (my granddaughter) and I went to Tom's Farms to look at Halloween and Fall decorations for sale in the country store. Tom's Farms used to be just a vegetable and fruit stand but now it has a beautiful big country store and a wine and cheese store besides crafts sold outside, pony rides, horse carriage rides and more. It's always fun to go there and again I found myself being so grateful to be alive and enjoy this day that the Lord hath made. Because of the fear, despair and anxiety that I have experienced this year, I am especially grateful to be alive and enjoy family, the season and special places. The Lord has made me more aware of all my blessings. He has been with me to light the darkness I was in for many months of this year. It's amazing what God can do!! I feel healthy and strong even though I await another surgery.

As the red and gold Autumn leaves fall to the ground and the heat of Summer fades away, the worries and fears I had over the Spring and Summer have also fallen from my life and are fading away.

Thank the Good Lord!!!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Happy Fall

From Sandy -

Happy Fall - Being a good person is like being a pumpkin. God lifts you up, takes you in, and washes all the dirt off of you. He opens you up, touches you deep inside and scoops out all the yucky stuff - including the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc. Then he carves you a bright new smiling face and puts his light inside of you to shine for all the world to see.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

My life

From Sandy -

It's been almost six weeks since my surgery and life has gotten almost back to normal. I can do everything I did before except I have to take alot of rest periods and find that I need lots of sleep. I have an appointment to see the surgeon on November 1, so I'll see if he schedules my second surgery at that time. I feel so truly blessed to have made so much progress since my surgery. I know that everyone's prayers (including mine) were answered and the Lord has been very good to me.

I'm not exactly looking forward to another surgery. However, it will mean an end to the colostomy bag hanging off the side of my abdomen. That will be such a relief to get rid of it. Once I found a bag that fit right - there have been no more leaks. But it sometimes gets very uncomfortable to wear and the skin around it is red and irritated. Every once in a while I think about the bag and feel like less than a person - but thank God the feeling comes and goes quickly. I have been blessed throughout this whole experience and I have to count the blessings and not think about the inconveniences that I have to live with right now.

I am so glad that I had the surgery. I don't have to worry about all those polyps and whether two, or three or more would turn into cancer. Again, God blessed me by directing me with baby steps to make the decision to have the surgery. It's amazing (not to God but to me) that he knew not to confront me with it all at once. Over the weeks that I knew I had to have surgery, I didn't know it would mean taking my entire colon. A genetecist at Kaiser was the one to bring it up and I thought she was totally wrong. Then my daughter told me it might have to be done. My doctor and the surgeon also told me I would have to have the colon removed. I finally had enough days and weeks to ponder the whole situation - and time was what I truly needed to accept it. Once I accepted the fact that I would need this major surgery, I sought prayers from my church, my friends, and my family. I prayed night and day and read the bible throughout each fear-ridden day. The verses I found were so soothing to me and all of them told me not to be afraid. Finally came serenity, trust in the Lord, and peace of mind about three or four weeks before the surgery. I knew I had to have it done and that the Lord would be with me throughout the whole process. He truly has been with me and I am so grateful that I knew the Lord before , but now I adore him with all my heart and soul. I still screw up once in a while, but thank God, Jesus took care of that by paying the price with His life. I know I am forgiven - certainly not perfect and yet God still loves me. What a miracle that is!!

Friday, October 8, 2010

Being Grateful

From Sandy -

I have spent some time studying my reactions to things and have noticed that I am not as grateful as I should be for what I have. Yesterday I really felt better than I have the whole time since my surgery so I looked at this past year (which I have called a nightmare) and thought of all the ways I have been blessed. I don't do this very often, so it was a revelation to me to find how many times I was blessed even though I did experience alot of worry, distress and turmoil.

I tend to overlook blessings and dwell on the troubles in my life. I don't know where this falls in God's list of sins, but I know it is sinful to be negative. There's the following verse (please forgive me I know it's in the New Testament, but I can't remember where) - that tells us what we should think about and what we should dwell upon -
"Finally brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report, if there be any virtue and if there be any praise, think on these things."

Even though I felt sometimes like I was walking through a fiery furnace, the Lord blessed me in so many ways. When I first found out I had to have this surgery - I panicked. I turned to the Lord for peace of mind and hope. Although it took me a few weeks to get there, the Lord blessed me with both of these. I was able to take a vacation and see my sister up in Washington during this time. The scenery was some of the most beautiful I have ever seen and I found God's love and peace up there in the beautiful Northwest. When I came home and had to really face the reality of the surgery, I had friends that reached out to me and held my hand through the days of waiting and anxiety. I had Jesus to put his arms around me and whisper to me that he would see me through this. Both my sister and daughter had colonoscopies and there were no polyps found in either one of them. My little puppy who broke his leg is now completely healed - he is bouncing around everywhere on his "mended" leg. I was worried about finances and God has blessed us in that respect too. I have found out who my "true" friends are and I am so blessed to have them as lifelong friends. I am basically healthy and cancer free. God knit me back together during the first surgery and will complete his healing in the second surgery. I have gotten to know the Lord in a very personal and real way. I have heard him and know that He loves me. For these things and many more I am truly blessed and I am so very grateful!!!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Sharing my thoughts

From Sandy -

I find that as I get more comfortable with my situation and less fearful, I spend less time in prayer and reading the bible. I'm not proud of this fact and I know beyond all doubt that the Lord does come first in my life. However, life gets in the way and I allow it to happen. It's at these times when I hear a voice tell me - what's more important? - Cleaning your room and making that phone call or first spending time with the Lord to start the whole day off in the right way.

Since my surgery I am ashamed to admit that I sleep until 10:00 a.m. most mornings. Getting up this late means that 1/5 of the day is gone and I haven't even started it yet. I know that I have to discipline myself to spend time with God before I do anything. It's a gift from God to start the day off with him by my side. I always like to pray "Hello God, this is your day, I am your child, please show me the way". Sometimes my prayers are like a grocery list. I pray for my kids, my husband, my sister and her family, my friends, and of course my dogs, cats, and horses. Then I pray for my country, finances, forgiveness and myself. First and foremost God needs to hear our love and praise for him. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in me and my family that I forget to thank him for the very precious gifts he has given me. He has blessed me in a very special way in 2010 which has been a very trying year for me. Without these trials, I wouldn't feel as close to him as I do now. This year has sucked and I won't paint a rosy picture of what I've gone through but the Lord was with me and enabled this weak, scared and paranoid woman to get through the toughest of times - at least the toughest times I've ever faced.

I just wanted to share that when I spend time with the Lord, the day goes better. The line "Things go better with Coke" I've changed to "Things go better with God".

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Colon surgery progress

From Sandy -

Just a short note to let everyone know I am doing well. The surgeon did remind me I had a "major surgery" and sometimes my body tells me that. I still get light headed when I first get up from sitting and I get tired after performing any kind of task, but at least I can get things done and feel like I am accomplishing something.

Yesterday I cleaned my living room and dining room. I hosed the deck around our pool and cleaned our patio. Besides doing that I was able to prepare dinner, clean up the kitchen, walk the dogs, and give the horses their last feeding for the day. Needless to say I was exhausted when my head hit the pillow, but I was so tired I couldn't fall asleep right away. Today I cleaned horse corrals (which I shouldn't have done because it tired me out way too much). I helped my daughter pack up her house because it is being tented for termites. I also prepared dinner, cleaned the kitchen, walked the dogs and fed the horses. I am tired right now I can tell you for sure. However, my body is allowing me to get these things done and I am so greatful to the Lord for healing me in such a way that I almost (not quite) feel normal again. I can't stand to lie around or sit around doing nothing, so I am so happy that I can do most of the things I did before. I still can't lift anything heavy, but I can lift more than I could two weeks ago.

It's just such a relief not to have this major surgery hanging over my head. I dreaded it and feared it and now I am so eternally happy and praise the Lord for giving me back "me". The worst thing about this whole process was fear. It just goes to show that the greatest thing to fear is fear itself. I have found peace of mind and it is such a blessing. This is also one of the precious gifts of God.