I know that the Lord is with me and I know that I derive all the strength I have from Him. But, I sometimes get so scared and feel so alone in this world. I should be beating myself up for having feelings like this, but I am human and I am allowing myself a break to be this way right now. I am going for counseling and have attended a small group. Our church has a group meeting on grief - but not until August - so I plan on attending that as well.
My life has definitely changed a whole lot. I lived 44 years with Ron and have always had his companionship whether it was good or bad - he was here and there was love. I had someone to talk to about the children or certain situations that came up with friends and family. I am feeling the loss of his companionship and just another person sharing my life with. "Lost" is the word that defines me right now. I'm not sure what to do, how to live or for that matter, how to make decisions. I am making decisions and with the Lord's guidance I know they are the right ones, but it is still sometimes scary to think I will be the one to make all decisions and living with whatever consequences they may bring.
I truly knew in my heart that Ron would go before me, but I didn't think I would take his passing so hard. We had alot of ups and downs in our marriage and although I loved him with all my heart, I didn't like him sometimes. I had my friends and did my own things and Ron mainly watched sports on t.v. and did alot of reading. So, although our lives were not exactly lived "together", we shared children, pets, a home, and love.
I feel so guilty for not being there when Ron passed. I had left two hours earlier thinking he would make it through the night. The week or two before he passed away, I did not go see him every day. Although I knew in my heart that he was getting worse, I still clung to the fact that he would come out of it and that I could get him home. I entertained friends for lunch the day before he passed away and spent the day of his passing with my little granddaughter and her friend. I feel like I truly let Ron down and was not there for him in his final moments. I feel so horrible inside for having put others before him.
I had spent over 15 months seeing Ron and trying to make sure he was given the right medications and comfortable and taken care of. I tried every day to go see him - maybe totally I missed about 15 days out of those 15 months that I did not go to see him. Then, in Ron's worst moments, I feel as if I desserted him. I can't tell him I am sorry - but I have told the Lord to tell him. I have told Ron hundreds of times since his passing how much I love him. I feel that he hears me in some way. It is so painful to think of how Ron suffered and then suffered alone without me or his children by his bedside at the end. We were there up until two hours before he passed away. We went home at 6:30 p.m. and I got the call around 8:30 p.m. that he was gone.
Anyway, it does no good to beat myself up. I feel horrible and I know I could have spent more time with him those last two days to hold his hand and tell him how much I loved him. This is guilt I will carry with me the rest of my life. I was selfish with my time and it hurt so much to see him in a coma and plugged in to so many hoses and cords. I wanted to spare myself pain and yet the brief pain I spared myself will be a lifelong pain I will carry with me.
Well I have poured out my feelings here on this blog. I know that there will be good and bad days experiencing the grief of my loss. There will be days I can forgive myself for not being there at the end for Ron and there will be days when I cannot. My life is in the Lord's hands and He will see me through the pain and failure that I am feeling. My trust and faith in the Lord is the medication I take every day to get me through this great "loss" in my life. He is with me and will not forsake me. He is close to me and will heal my heart. I remain forever in the Lord's care.
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