Thursday, July 28, 2011

Jesus is all I need

From Sandy -
I have to be honest - life is tough for me. I struggle every minute of every day trying to keep sane. My thoughts go constantly to my husband, Ron. When I eat, I think about how Ron cannot eat. When I laugh, I think about how Ron has nothing to smile about. When I get loved by our dogs, or provide a lap for our cat - I think about how Ron is missing that. In other words, I am feeling pretty darn guilty about what I am able to enjoy and Ron is deprived of.
I would do almost anything to give Ron the comforts of life - but right now I do not have the means to do that. I see the suffering and the many illnesses he has had to face and I feel ashamed and selfish when I don't think things are going "my way" or I am in to self pity. The one thing that I do - I pray constantly for Ron. He is always being lifted up in prayer to God.
My daughter is feeling the effects of her Dad's illness. She is struggling to cope with her Dad's illness, and to make it worse - my dog ate her favorite shoes tonight. She broke down and said she cannot cope. She said she was sorry about her reaction, and I know that she is. But - I am finding it hard to cope myself and knowing that she is struggling makes it even harder for me. I have leaned on her and honestly I don't think she is able to withstand the trials that she is facing. She is on an anti-depressant and she is also a juvenile diabetic. She has even threatened suicide. She has scared me to death with this threat. She has been there through thick and thin to support me - however, I know that her mental capacity for the trials of life are not equivalent to mine. Maybe God is testing her. Maybe God is putting her through the fire to make her stronger. I have protected her always - even into adult hood. Maybe these trials and tribulations that we are all going through are helping her to strengthen her own faith. I can only hope and pray so. In my heart, I know she would never harm herself due to her circumstances, but I also know she suffers from depression and this roller coaster ride that we have both been on has affected her. Please keep my daughter, Lisa, in your prayers.
I can tell you this - every trial that we have had to face in our own lives has been experienced by our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Maybe he didn't suffer for the same exact reasons, but be assured that he suffered many trials - trials involving family, sickness, death, and much much more. He went through torture and humiliation - He was totally deserted and left alone to face his own death - His disciples deserted Him. Even God , His Father who loved Him more than we will ever know, had to desert Him as he took on the sins of the world. God sent His only begotten Son so that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.
Jesus knows my own suffering - He knows what Lisa and I and Ron are going through. He sees us and understands because He lived here on earth and experienced it all. I feel His love and His strength. More than these, I know that He knows exactly how I feel. He knows how I am scared and He knows my weakness. When I bow down before Jesus, HE hears me and knows me. He gives me rest in the middle of the night - He is my strength when I am too weak to carry on - He calms my fears - He listens to me and understands and walks with me - He provides a pillow for me to rest and sleep in peace - He inspires me to be my best - He directs my path and leads me through the valley of the shadow of death - He restores my soul - He gives me joy and peace and gladness. He is with me, He comforts me, I shall not want. HE IS ALL I NEED!!!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Update

From Sandy -
Ron is back in the hospital after being at Reche Canyon Rehab for only 6 days. This time he was delirious, hadn't slept for 48 hours, needed a pint of blood, needed two pints of plasma, and he has blood in his stool.
I cannot believe everything he has been through. This is such a "never ending" series of infections and setbacks. I do feel worn out. I hate hospitals and right now I am feeling discouraged. I still have faith but there's a challenge at every corner. Every time I believe things are getting better, they get worse.
I love the Lord with all my heart and soul and always will. Nothing can separate me from my love and trust in Him. However, that being said, I have to wonder why so many setbacks and why such a long illness. I don't understand what the Lord is doing here and I am asking Him for clarification. Maybe he wants to get Ron's attention. Maybe He is using this illness to teach me more about faith and trust. I don't really know at this point. I do know that I have to hang on to hope. I won't let go of it. I keep telling Ron to hang on to hope. The Lord's timing is not ours - I have to turn this illness and everything that goes along with it over to the Lord. I cannot control any of these events that are happening in our lives. However, the Lord can and I trust and rely on Him.
I am at the point that there is nothing I can do but pray. Nothing I can do but trust in the Lord. Nothing I can do but turn all of these trials over to my Lord and Savior.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Enduring trials and never losing sight of hope

From Sandy -
Ron took another trip to the hospital on Wednesday of this week (July 20). He went to the ER because he was having difficulty breathing and he was throwing up. I was just getting hopeful again when this new incident occurred. I met him at the ER of Kaiser Hospital and he was hallucinating and delirious. He did not know where he was and at times thought he was in Las Vegas or San Diego or Boston or in a strip mall. I sat by his side from 10:00 a.m. until 6:00 p.m. in ER. He kept trying to get out of bed and he was totally "out of it". It's pretty scary to see your loved one confused and hallucinating. I still don't know what caused it (probably one more infection, and he has had many), but he is better today. He had an appointment at Riverside Kaiser for a Swallowing X-ray the same day and was able to keep the appointment. He basically "flunked" the exam. He cannot swallow liquid without the danger of aspirating it. Threfore, he can't eat anything and will have to be fed through a G-tube in his nose. This is very discouraging and once he was "lucid" it was also very discouraging for Ron. I keep thinking things are getting better and then they take a turn for the worse.
Still I have hope and faith and tomorrow morning. Tomorrow morning may be down the road, but I know it is out there for us. Faith needs only one answer to a thousand "hows" - that answer is God. His abiding truth does not change with my mood and he never wavers when I stumble and fall over a promise of His through my unbelief. Although it's hard to imagine during the trials and storms of life - waiting under the clouds of trials is important because they will ultimately produce showers of blessings. I simply pray for God to grant me faith to completely trust His Word, even when every other sign points the other way. I many times say to the Lord "I do believe, please help my unbelief".

Monday, July 18, 2011

Miracles

From Sandy -


God performs miracles every day. Some of them large and some of them small. I turned our income over to the Lord regarding MediCal. MediCal was going to charge us $2500 a month for Ron to be at Reche Canyon Rehabilitation Center. We are retired and have a middle class income - $2500 less a month would have left Ron and I with many bills unpaid every month. The Lord initially led me to a wonderful attorney who represented us in court last Thursday. He went before a judge and presented our petition of monthly bills and what it costs us to live in our home. The judge allowed every cent on the petition so we get to keep our income. This is indeed one of the Lord's miracles. We could have been charged the $2500 and had to sell our home. I prayed about this and turned the petition over to the Lord. The Lord granted us our income back. He gave us a compassionate judge and a wonderful attorney. Right now I am feeling so blessed over this. It has been such a major worry and now my burdens have been lightened quite a bit.




Ron has had another setback. He aspirated some of the food he was eating so again he is not eating by mouth. He is being fed through a tube in his nose. He is very very malnourished - he looks like a true anorexic. My heart aches for Ron to be able to get better and come home. I still have faith that the Lord will grant this request also. I pray every day that the Lord will energize Ron so he can walk and move on his own accord. Once he does this, I can take him home. I pray every day that Jesus will touch Ron with His healing. Jesus is with Ron and I know that He has touched Him. It is a matter of time before Ron can come home. Now I have nothing to prove that this will happen, but I know that the Lord has performed miracles in our lives and I know that once again the Lord will perform another miracle by bringing Ron home to me.




The Lord will not break His covenant that He gave to me. He will not alter the thing that has gone out of His lips. His lovingkindness He will not take away from Ron. The Lord is with us - I feel His presence all the time. How blessed we are to have the Lord as the Great Physician - He is the creator, so He knows what is needed to heal a broken and sick body.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Fear is the enemy

From Sandy -
I have to be truthful today and let you know that I am experiencing fear. Fear of the unknown regarding MediCal for Ron and fear regarding our petition that the attorney will bring before a judge on Thursday of this week. I also have the ongoing concern and worry for Ron's health and welfare. It's been almost seven months now that Ron has either been in the hospital or in a rehabilitation facility. I'll never forget the night he was taken by ambulance to the hospital, he told me he would be home in a few hours and that was December 23, 2010. How devastating life situations can be. Not only for Ron and I, but there are so many others out there suffering even worse than we are.
I have been blessed with a good attorney and lots of friends that care about us. Of course, there is my wonderful daughter that has experienced everything I have been going through because she is so there for Ron and I. She has devoted so much time and financial help to the predicament we now find ourselves in. But most of all I have the Lord. He is with me and will not forsake me. He tells me not to be afraid - being human, sometimes that's a hard request to honor. However, through all of my life experiences, I have found that when I trust the Lord, He makes a path for me to follow and the fears go away. He calms the storms in life - He sends blessings to replace all the fear. How I love the Lord.
Fear is our enemy. There is a saying that makes so much sense - You can measure your fear by the distance you are from God. Right now I have not prayed this morning and I have not read my Bible. I feel alot of fear. It's a scary week anyway considering our attorney goes to court for us on Thursday. MediCal will leave us with $2,000 a month to live on. That is just not going to be enough for anyone that has a mortgage and expenses. Therefore, the attorney has a list of all of our monthly expenses and will bring this list (petition) before a judge so we can get some of our income back. I pray for God's blessing on this petition. I pray for the Lord to be there in the courtroom to grant us our income back. I know that the Lord will be there for me. I know that He will work to make a way for us to live in our home and pay our bills.
I have to lean hard on the Lord right now and I have to rebuke the fear that creeps into my mind like the fog rolling in from the ocean. I have to use my faith as a wall to keep the fear from overpowering me.
Psalm 115:11,12 - "Ye that fear the Lord, trust in the Lord: he is their help and their shield. The Lord hath been mindful of us, he will bless us; he will bless the house of Israel: he will bless the house of Aaron." This is the verse I opened to this morning. I think the Lord is telling me something. He will bless the house of the Briddicks'. I know He will. I know that the Lord is my help and my shield. I know that the Lord is with me. Faith only comes to us by going through trials. These trials have increased my faith in the Lord. I know He hears our every prayer and He knows what is going on with Ron and I. In all my ways I will acknowledge Him and He shall direct my path.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Not always joyful

From Sandy -
Another setback. Ron has some kind of problem with his bowels due to way too many antibiotics. This is treatable, but I do not know how serious it is. I found this out today and honestly I am disappointed. I really try not to entertain the words despairing or discouraged. I think Ron has developed just about every infecion known to man. He has had such a rough time of trying to get better.
Thank the Lord He doesn't expect me to be perfect. Far from perfect is where I belong. thank God, Jesus has paid the price once and for all for our sins. I love the Lord but don't understand all the suffering Ron has had to endure. I find it hard to believe that the loving God that I know would visit all the illness and negativity onto Ron as he has had to endure over the months of his illness. We don't always understand what is going on in our lives. I don't understand the suffering Ron has endured, but I cannot see the end from the beginning or the beginning from the end.
I will never doubt the Lord and His word, but that doesn't mean that I won't feel sometimes like questioning why the Lord is allowing certain pain and suffering to happen. Our ways are not God's ways. I know this and most of the time I live my life and direct my thoughts to simply trust the Lord because as long as I am here on this earth, I will never understand everything that the Lord does. I also believe that there is an evil force out there that can work His evil in my thoughts and in my heart. At these times I stand firm on the word of God. Nothing will sway me from the faith I have in Him. I denounce the evil of this world and accept the life that the Lord is offering me.
Again, I pray for Ron. I pray for his healing and salvation. May the Lord touch him and allow Ron to touch back. I simply trust in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I am human and have doubts, I am not always joyful or thankful, but in the end the Lord comes through for me.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Lessons of Faith

From Sandy -
As most of you know, I have been through some major trials this year. I have experienced despair, fear, anxiety, defeat, worry, loneliness, failure. These words can't really describe every emotion I have been through. There were times I wanted to run away. There were times that I wished I could turn my back on all the negativity in life and smile once again, or have something to laugh about. Seems like my life has been trips to hospitals or convalescent homes and occassionally visits to a lawyer. I have experienced the possibility of losing my husband and losing our home and income. Prior to my husband's heart attack - about a year ago - I also feared for my life. I was facing surgery to have my colon removed. And, at that time I didn't know whether I had colon cancer or not. As a matter of fact, I entertained thoughts of how I wanted my funeral.
I sit here writing about my year and I know that throughout the trials, the Lord was right there with me. I asked Him for faith and the Lord tested me. He sent me another trial. I have always loved the Lord. Even as a child I knew who He was and I always wanted to please Him. Today, I know how faith works. I could not have told you this a year ago. Only through the trials was I able to see how the Lord's hand smoothed out all the wrinkles for me. He calmed my stormy sea each and every time. It was during the past year that I could hear the Lord and I knew He was calming me and holding me in the palm of His hand. It was because of this "nightmarish" year that I have fallen deeper in love with Jesus. I always loved Him superficially, but not anymore - He means everything to me now - I adore Him. I have heard Him and felt Him and know that He is always there for me. Through the lonely nights and the dark storms - I have never been alone. I hear Him whisper to me in a prayer or thought or through His word. I know I can trust Him because He loves me.
Faith for me has not come easily. I've always been a worrier. My Dad always told me that what I worried about would never happen. I guess I figured if I worried about everything, then everything would turn out to be o.k. I know differently now. I look back on this year and see all the times that the Lord was sustaining me. I honestly could not have made it without His love. When I pray, I bow down before the Lord seeking to touch Him and feel Him and know Him. It's been a true love affair with the Lord this year. As much as I absolutely hated every trial and all the anguish and fear that each one brought - these trials brought me closer to God. I know this is a crazy statement I am about to make but I thank the Lord for this year (it has been an education of biblical proportion). Only through the hurt and pain can one experience God's true love. He wants us to be happy, but happiness doesn't teach us about trusting Him. I know what faith is now. I don't always have it, but I know how to get it and I'm not afraid to ask. My prayer is for my husband to feel God's love and tender care as I have. I cannot tell you how much I have learned in one year about the Lord - what a privilege to know Him as I do.