Wednesday, December 28, 2011

One Day At A Time


I should have learned by now not to get too excited about Ron's recoveries. Shame on me. Christmas night at 9:00 p.m. I got another dreaded call from Reche Canyon telling me that they called 911 to take Ron back to the hospital. I guess he vomited and then aspirated on it and now he is back in ICU at Riverside Kaiser with aspiration pneumonia. He is doing well and although he had to be put back on the ventilator, they actually were able to take him off yesterday.
I don't know about anyone else, but throughout this "hell of a year", I have asked the Lord for specifics - He has indeed answered all of these prayers. I asked for Ron to get off the ventilator and he was taken off. I asked for the Lord to get Ron home and Ron was home for one week. I asked the Lord for Ron's salvation and I do believe Ron is saved. God answers prayers - He answered what I asked for. Yet - here we are back to square one again as has happened numerous times in the past twelve months.
I was there both times when Ron was a code blue - and both times they asked me if I wanted them to do life-saving measures on him. Of course I said "yes". I have begged the Lord to heal Ron and raise him off of that hospital bed. I have tried to force God's will to be my will. In other words, I have asked God to go along with me and do what I asked Him to do. Now, I don't think this is wrong. In the Bible it tells us to ask for anything and also the prayer of a righteous person availeth much. Not to say that I am righteous, but I do know that the Lord is the one constant and unfailing love of my life. Even when Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane asked His Heavenly Father for the cup to be taken from him, He ended the prayer with "nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt".
I now ask the Lord for things, but end with "not my will but thine be done". I get excited when Ron is better and I feel totally cast down when Ron gets worse. I am learning now to take "One Day at a Time". The Lord is in each and every day and I do trust Him with everything. I have to learn to be happy when Ron is better and not to fall apart when Ron gets worse. The Lord is with me throughout each episode and He is also there with Ron. One Day At A Time - The Lord tells me that he goes before me and he is with me and he will not forsake me - I am to fear not, neither be dismayed. One Day At A Time.

Friday, December 23, 2011

The Lord shelters us with His wings

Psalm 91:4, He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faith promises you armor and protection.
I love this photo - the Lord shelters us with His wings. He does protect us even in ways we don't understand. Praise the Lord!!!
Ron is doing well at Reche Canyon. He was able to actually eat a few bites of mashed potatos and ground up chicken. He had a speaking valve on the trach, so he was also able to speak to me. He is doing everything in his power to cooperate with the staff at Reche Canyon so he can get better and stronger to come home. I feel in my heart that this is God's will for him. He needs to come home.
I look at this photo of these adorable birds and know that the Lord is our shelter from hardships and misery. His love is unfailing and what an amazing miracle that He loves even me!!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Love

From Sandy -
I never thought I would live long enough to consider myself a burden to someone else. Well - guess that idea is changing. I won't tell you how old I am (pride I guess). But I know I have become a problem for my daughter. I have a son and daughter and my daughter has been there for me through the thick and thin of the past two years. These two years have been "nightmarish" to myself and then to Ron. My daughter has been there through everything and has been someone I could bounce ideas off of and also lean on. This probably was not the right thing for me to do, but I did lean on Lisa. Tonight I have come to the conclusion that I am burdening my daughter and it is affecting her mental health. She is not able to take on my problems, her problems, and her Dad's problems.
She informed me tonight that I was a "drama queen". She let me know that I was burdening her with my problems and she had enough problems of her own. She has been there for me and she has supported me, and it has been almost two years now that there has been a problem with me (the colon surgery) and then her Dad (the heart attack and on-going illnesses stemming from the heart attack). She has to work five days a week and told me that I was able to get up when I wanted to and not have to worry about a job. This is true - I don't work and have not been able to since the bank I worked at was closed. It seemed that after this happened, everything in my life and Ron's life went from good to bad. I found out I needed surgery - had the surgery - after recuperating from the surgery Ron had his heart attack and here we are a year from the time Ron was initially hospitalized. Today is December 18 and Ron was hospitalized with his heart attack last year on December 22.
I love Lisa so much and guess I am being a baby about being told I am a drama queen. I have tried to hold it all together - as has Lisa. We are both worn out and tired. Our lives have been drained due to the pain and suffering we have witnessed with Ron's health. I need to get over my self pity and get on with life.
But, tonight I am feeling so alone. I know for sure that I am not alone. I always have the Lord. He is with me right now while I am feeling sorry for myself. He knows the struggles I am going through and He will see me through them. Sometimes I think it is beneficial to break down and cry over all the pain, hurt, and suffering that has so deeply affected myself and my family. I love my daughter so very very much and any time I consider myself to be a problem to her, it genuinely affects me. I want to be the best Mother - not one that is a burden. I want to love and support and lift up - not tear down and cause hardship and pain. I am struggling tonight. Tomorrow is another day and things will be different. One thing for sure - nothing in life ever stays the same.
Ron is back at Reche Canyon Rehab. Center. Everyone is very good to him there and were glad to see him. I feel he is loved there and that's such a blessing in itself. Ron is also doing well. He is off of the ventilator, but he has lots of secretions in his lungs so he has to be suctioned alot. He also is on the peg tube and that is how he is being fed. The goal is still to get him home. He may never be able to eat regular food again if at all - but I know the Lord will take care of him. Ron's wish is to come home and eventually pass away at home. My desire is to fulfill his wish. I trust the Lord with all my heart and soul and although God knows what Ron and I want - I trust the Lord's will to be what is best for everyone.
I just ask Jesus to walk with me and guide my thoughts and actions as I seek to do His will and honor His commandments. We are to love one another and forgive and I pray that I never become so self-centered that it blinds me to how I might be negatively affecting someone else.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Serenity

From Sandy -
Ron is stable, but not off the ventilator. He looks healthy and his vital signs are good. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but today he is doing well.
There's been a change in Ron. He smiles instead of frowns and he doesn't seem to be as anxious as he once was. He wants to come home but he understands it will take time.
There is a serenity that envelops Ron that I have never seen before. He can't talk to me, but I think the Lord is making Himself known to Ron. Ron has indicated to me that he prays for himself. I told him there were many people praying for him and the Lord would listen to his prayers for help as well. Ron smiles at the nurses and always seems happy to see me. This has not always been the case. Many a time I would find Ron frowning and angry. I know that the Lord is working and moving in Ron's life. Ron has faced death several times in the past year. Yet, he pulls through - God has something in store for Ron and it will be great. Ron is fighting for his life and now he knows that the Lord is there to help him. He knows he is not fighting alone.
God bless Ron and keep him in His care!!!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

The Lord is working

I know that I have shared with you how many times nurses, doctors, hospital employees and even Lisa have told me to make a decision regarding Ron's care and life. Of course, Lisa has a legitimate cause because she does not want to see her Dad suffer. Anyway, Doctor Shah came by (he is the Pulmonologist that has been seeing Ron and I really really like and respect him) and wanted to know how Ron was doing. I was in the room and I asked Doctor Shah if he would ask Ron what he wanted - life support - full code which is breathing on a ventilator, heart resuscitation, tube feeding, etc. etc. Ron told him (mouthed it and used his head to answer yes or no) and indicated that he does want full cardiac support if his heart stops and he also wants to be kept on the ventilator even if it means spending the rest of his life in the hospital. He emphatically let the doctor and I know that these were his wishes. Dr. Shah said he would immediately document this in Ron's chart. I have had so many people asking me to make a decision on Ron's life, and now Ron answered for himself and I don't have to be questioned any further. You cannot imagine what a relief this is. I could never make a decision whether Ron live or die - this is totally up to him because he has full faculty of his senses. I feel that this was a blessing from God and a burden lifted off of my shoulders. I am so glad that I asked the Doctor and he was able to communicate with Ron. Ron is o.k., but still on the ventilator. I think they are afraid to take him off after what happened with his latest Code Blue. His heart rate, blood pressure and oxygenation are all in the normal range, so now we just wait to see what God has in store for Ron. Ron loves the Lord and indicated that he does pray for himself. This is something wonderful and the Lord is working on Ron. God bless Ron Briddick and keep him in His care!!!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Flat-lined

From Sandy -
Ron flat-lined this afternoon. His heart rate kept dropping. He was put back on a ventilator after having been taken off. I witnessed him flat-lining and I screamed "he's dying". A code blue was called and a dozen doctors and nurses came in. They wanted to know if I wanted him resuscitated. I screamed "yes" "yes". How could I allow him to die before my eyes. A nurse pounded him on the chest and he came back. They think he had another heart attack, but only the blood tests will tell for sure.
One thing I have learned from all of this - no matter what Ron and I have been through or put each other through in our marriage, I love him with all my heart and all my soul. I love this man whom I have spent 43 years with. I love this man who is the father of my children. I love him and I have to turned him over to the Lord. I still don't understand what this is all about because on Wednesday the doctor was talking about sending him back to Reche Canyon for rehab. Ron was able to talk to me at that time and was asking me questions about home and his dogs and cats. He was doing so well - and then, today he actually died for a few moments. I have a horrible headache right now and I am just numb. It is actually very therapeutic for me to share my experiences with you. Thank you for reading these posts.
I am eternally with the Lord. The Lord is eternally with Ron. I asked Ron tonight if he had accepted Jesus as his personal Savior and he said "yes". Haleluliah - Ron is saved. I still have hope although it has received a serious blow today. I always have faith - truthfully, I don't understand why the highs and lows in Ron's illness, but I will always trust the Lord.
Our Father who art in heaven, hallow would be thy name. Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgives us our sins as we forgive those who have sinned against us. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil for thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever - a-men.