Tuesday, April 24, 2012

The Lord carries me!

I am having lots of flashbacks about Ron.  I remember so many things that I have not thought about for years.  Some of them bring an instant flood of tears.  I cannot get through a day without thinking of him at least 100 times.  I miss him and have such a problem understanding why he had to suffer as he did for 15 months.  The Lord does not always tell us why He does things.  However, I will spend the rest of my life trying to find the answer to the why of this.

I get scared when I think about being alone here in our home.  I don't know what the future brings and I have to confess I do busy things to keep me from thinking about my situation - keeping busy also keeps me from spending time with God.  I want to set aside a time each day to spend with the Lord - I cannot hear him when I allow the world and activities to interfere. 

I know there is certainly room up in heaven for one more soul.  I pray that Ron is there with all of his animals.  In fact, I believe that the Lord allowed me to envision Ron surrounded by our pot belly pigs, our cats, dogs, goats, donkeys and horse.  I did see this in my mind's eye!  If God can allow flowers to grow in heaven, He can certainly allow those of us who love our pets so much to have them with us in heaven.  I know the Bible does not address this anywhere, but who is to say that this is not so.  I believe that our animals will be with us in eternal life.  After all, they love us unconditionally, never talk back, and are our companions through the thick and the thin of it.  Therefore, I know in my heart that the Lord has given Ron this extra love.

Never have I walked a day without the Lord in my life.  Now more than ever, I need the Lord's direction and strength.  I do believe that He is carrying me through the grief, sadness and emptiness that I feel.  I have to go through these feelings to get to the other side.  I cannot deny these feelings and I have to claim them as mine.  By claiming them, I can move on and realize that these feelings are part of my humanity.  The Lord will carry me when I become overwhelmed by them.  The Lord will carry me and lift the burdens of my loss.

Knowing that I will go on and that the Lord will direct my path gives me the hope and strength to get through the day.  My life is not the same and never will be.  One thing guaranteed in our life is change.  We may go years without anything being different and then all of a sudden everything is turned upside down.  Even in the "upside down" of my life, I know my Savior is with me and when the burdens become too heavy, it is then that He lifts me up and carries me.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

The first day of the rest of my life

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.  I am now a widow living in a house that belonged to Ron and I.  It is not a small house nor a large house, but it is my home and I appreciate the fact that I have a nice home to live in.  I have some lovely things in this home that Ron provided me with.  He was a provider and definitely was a generous man.  I still think I am in a dream world at times.  After living with someone for 44 years, I was so used to smelling the coffee in the morning and hearing the rattle of the newspaper as he sat in his favorite chair in the family room. 

Ron loved his country and worked for the Navy for 35 years.  He always kept up on the news.  FOX news was on t.v. almost every waking minute so Ron could know exactly what was going on.  He was a Republican and his views were strong.  He loved God and his country and now he is with the Lord.

Today is a beautiful day.  Spring flowers are blooming and the weather is warming.  I went out to look at some of my potted plants this morning, and to my surprise, an orange daisy was blooming that usually does not bloom twice in a year.  It bloomed weeks earlier and again there is a beautiful orange flower - looking at this flower, I suddenly realized that Ron is blooming up in Heaven.  It was almost as if the Lord whispered in my ear "see this plant, it is blooming and beautiful just as Ron is blooming and beautiful with me".  He has died to the old life of pain, sickness, weakness, illness, fear, stress, anxiety, and is experiencing love, peace, strength, joy, happiness and no trace of anything coming close to sickness.

I rejoice that Ron is with the Lord and he finally knows what true happiness and joy really are.  Although I miss him and I feel at times lost and lonely, I am so glad that Ron is through with the suffering and the pain.  Ron is blooming up in heaven.

Because Ron is experiencing a brand new and wonderful life far beyond what we as humans can comprehend, I will live my life the best I can.  Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I will be more giving, more caring, more loving, more helpful and always available to those in need.  I have to be self-sacrificing to help others.  I still don't know how this will come to pass - but the Lord knows and He will show me the way.

Monday, April 16, 2012

A day in my life without Ron

Life at its best is uncertain and can change in the blink of an eye.
Although Ron went through many illnesses and infections that sucked the life out of his body, I still felt hope, but I also felt a sense of loss. It's funny how our feelings can go in two different directions. Hope was always alive as long as Ron was alive; however, the evidence of what my eyes saw as Ron became weaker and his body was wasting away was telling me that the outcome would not be good.
I had 15 months to live by myself and take care of things here at home. Sometimes I think that was God's way of paving a road for me that would be more familiar once the inevitable occurred. I'm still at a loss as to why Ron had to suffer so. I can only hope and pray that someday the Lord will reveal the "why" of this.
Ron told me he accepted Jesus as his savior. I don't know what was going on in Ron's mind or if he prayed - I'm sure he did pray because I would often tell Ron to ask the Lord to help him. Ron told me he prayed. Ron is definitely not in hell - he already lived that on earth for the past 15 months. He is with the Lord and seeing beautiful things and experiencing love in its purest and hghest form. He is also with his beloved animals that he loved so very much. After all, the Lord knows what makes us feel loved and happy - for Ron it was his animals.
I am alone and I feel lost and I am grieving. I don't expect this feeling to go away all of a sudden, but I am hoping to get better as the days, weeks and months go by. I trust in the Lord to be my strength during this time and I know that He is always with me.
I cannot question the Lord's timing, but I do have so many questions for Him. The Lord is my refuge during this time of darkness. I trust Him and know that Ron is now safe and well in heaven and I will be delivered from grief and sorrow. I only pray that the Lord can now use me in some way to help others who are going through similar situations.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Remembering Ron

Ron was born in Rockford, IL in 1939. He was an educated man with a bachelor's degree and two master's degrees. He loved his country and was very conservative when it came to anything regarding government.
He loved animals and had four cats and two dogs that he adored. He missed them so much during the months he was in the hospital or nursing home.
During the 44 years that we were married, he went to the doctor once and to the dentist once. He never took care of himself and when he was told he had the heart attack on December 23, 2010 - he was also told that he had heart attacks in the years past. I could tell when he didn't feel good and would encourage him to go to the doctor, but he would have none of it. He smoked two packs of cigarettes a day up until the day of the major heart attack. His lungs and heart were greatly damaged from smoking.
He suffered more than a human being should be allowed to suffer during the 15 months of his illness. He had so many infections and illnesses - one right after another. At his weakest point he had to have colon surgery. This one surgery in itself is major and I feel that it was what finally weakened Ron's body so that he could no longer fight. However, without the surgery he would have died - so it was a "no win" situation.
I miss him and know that he is with our Lord.
He worked as an engineer and his intelligence at times astounded me. Guess that's one reason why it became so sad to see him confused and "out of it" during the last days of his life.
I will always love him and the world is not the same without Ron in it. Although he was 72 years old, I feel he left too soon. But, who can argue with God. He saw fit to take Ron and at the end I was simply asking for God's will to be done. I don't understand why he suffered so and was only home for 8 days, but God had a plan. God did not want Ron to misuse his body by smoking and making bad choices in his life, but God gives us a free will. Therefore, Ron's health was greatly at risk and his lifestyle was his demise.
I feel lost and sad today - the day of his memorial. I will speak at the memorial and ask the Lord for strength so I don't break down. Ron was always here and although we had our ups and downs, love was forever in the middle.
I ask the Lord to send up words of love from me to Ron - My heart hurts and my life seems empty right now.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Easter



Today is Easter - resurrection! Today is a day to rejoice and know that this life is not the end. We are only here for such a small amount of time and those who know Jesus, know there is eternal life with Him.
Ron is spending his first day in heaven. He is rejoicing because his tired, worn out earthly body is gone and has been replaced with his beautiful amazing spiritual body. He is touching the hand of God and knowing what perfect love is all about.
The dogs and cats and other animals that passed before Ron are there to greet him. He is surrounded by love and beauty and amazing glorious sights. Ron is not at rest - he is at peace and he is experiencing heaven!!! I can't even imagine how busy Ron is experiencing the joy and happiness of eternal life with God.
I praise the Lord for taking Ron's pain and suffering away. He suffered more than any man I know of except Jesus Christ.
Although I grieve for him and wish I could just talk to him one more time, I know his earthly cares and woes are gone - the great burden that was his weak and frail body is gone. I rejoice in the fact that Ron is with the Lord. I grieve in the fact that on this earth I will never hear his voice or see his face again and I will always miss him. I will always love my dear husband!!!

Thursday, April 5, 2012

This evening, April 5, Ron went to be with the Lord

Ron's suffering ended this evening. My beloved husband went to be with the Lord tonight at 8:30 p.m. He fought the good fight, but tonight the battle has ended.
I feel pretty empty right now as I write these words. Ron was a good man who loved his family and adored his dogs and cats. He was a gentle man who had bouts of anger, but always knew how to say "I'm sorry".
Right now I'm at a loss for words because my heart hurts. I honestly thought Ron would be able to get better and come home, but that's not what happened. His body was tired and weak and Ron was simply worn out. He died with pneumonia, a collapsed lung, urinary tract infection, malnutrition, dehydration, congestive heart failure. At times during these past 15 months, he was able to fight off various forms of these illnesses, but to have them all together was just too much for his frail body.
I asked him not too long ago if he believed that Jesus was his Savior and he told me yes. I know that Ron is with the Lord - his body is whole and he can breathe and walk and talk. He is walking hand in hand with Jesus!!
I would write more but right now everything is pretty painful. I keep thinking I'm in a bad dream and that soon I will wake up, but that's not the case.
The Lord heard our prayers and took Ron to be with him!!!!!!!