Love

From Sandy -

I never thought I would live long enough to consider myself a burden to someone else. Well - guess that idea is changing. I won't tell you how old I am (pride I guess). But I know I have become a problem for my daughter. I have a son and daughter and my daughter has been there for me through the thick and thin of the past two years. These two years have been "nightmarish" to myself and then to Ron. My daughter has been there through everything and has been someone I could bounce ideas off of and also lean on. This probably was not the right thing for me to do, but I did lean on Lisa. Tonight I have come to the conclusion that I am burdening my daughter and it is affecting her mental health. She is not able to take on my problems, her problems, and her Dad's problems.

She informed me tonight that I was a "drama queen". She let me know that I was burdening her with my problems and she had enough problems of her own. She has been there for me and she has supported me, and it has been almost two years now that there has been a problem with me (the colon surgery) and then her Dad (the heart attack and on-going illnesses stemming from the heart attack). She has to work five days a week and told me that I was able to get up when I wanted to and not have to worry about a job. This is true - I don't work and have not been able to since the bank I worked at was closed. It seemed that after this happened, everything in my life and Ron's life went from good to bad. I found out I needed surgery - had the surgery - after recuperating from the surgery Ron had his heart attack and here we are a year from the time Ron was initially hospitalized. Today is December 18 and Ron was hospitalized with his heart attack last year on December 22.

I love Lisa so much and guess I am being a baby about being told I am a drama queen. I have tried to hold it all together - as has Lisa. We are both worn out and tired. Our lives have been drained due to the pain and suffering we have witnessed with Ron's health. I need to get over my self pity and get on with life.

But, tonight I am feeling so alone. I know for sure that I am not alone. I always have the Lord. He is with me right now while I am feeling sorry for myself. He knows the struggles I am going through and He will see me through them. Sometimes I think it is beneficial to break down and cry over all the pain, hurt, and suffering that has so deeply affected myself and my family. I love my daughter so very very much and any time I consider myself to be a problem to her, it genuinely affects me. I want to be the best Mother - not one that is a burden. I want to love and support and lift up - not tear down and cause hardship and pain. I am struggling tonight. Tomorrow is another day and things will be different. One thing for sure - nothing in life ever stays the same.

Ron is back at Reche Canyon Rehab. Center. Everyone is very good to him there and were glad to see him. I feel he is loved there and that's such a blessing in itself. Ron is also doing well. He is off of the ventilator, but he has lots of secretions in his lungs so he has to be suctioned alot. He also is on the peg tube and that is how he is being fed. The goal is still to get him home. He may never be able to eat regular food again if at all - but I know the Lord will take care of him. Ron's wish is to come home and eventually pass away at home. My desire is to fulfill his wish. I trust the Lord with all my heart and soul and although God knows what Ron and I want - I trust the Lord's will to be what is best for everyone.

I just ask Jesus to walk with me and guide my thoughts and actions as I seek to do His will and honor His commandments. We are to love one another and forgive and I pray that I never become so self-centered that it blinds me to how I might be negatively affecting someone else.