A broken heart

From Sandy -

I am sitting here tonight feeling vulnerable, alone and totally broken hearted. I tried so hard to keep my dog Alfie alive - I gave him dog aspirin, washed his bedding daily, fed him with food I mixed in a blender and then syringed into his mouth. Alfie was put to sleep last night. I truly loved Alfie and he would have done anything to protect me and our home. He fought valiantly for months with bladder cancer and I am sure it spread. He lost so much weight he was skin and bones and the last two days of his life he could not get up to walk. As much as I hated having to do it, I could not let Alfie suffer any longer, so my daughter, her boyfriend and I took him to the veterinarian hospital where he quietly passed away. I stayed with him through it all and he never seemed to be frightened. He was so much in pain, that I am sure this was the very best thing I could do for him. I miss him and will always remember him. It's so hard to lose a beloved pet and I sit here writing this in tears.

What makes everything worse is the fact that doctors and nurses are looking to me to make decisions about Ron. I am so worn out with all of this and it is just so damned hard to go through everything that I have been through. The doctor is weaning Ron off of the ventilator. Once he is off, I have said for them to not put him back on it. In other words, if he fails breathing on his own, I know he does not want to lie in a hospital bed allowing a machine to breathe for him for months and months on end for the rest of his life. Ron is still very weak, but his lungs are stronger - that's why they are attempting to wean him. His vital signs are more stable and right now the main thing is a horrible diarrhea that he got from being in the hospital and taking so many antibiotics. I will be so happy when Ron can talk again. I never would have dreamed in a million years that I would have to make decisions regarding his life. Hopefully once he is off of the ventilator he can make his own decisions. I still want him to be able to come home. He told me when he was home for one short week that he never wanted to die in the hospital. He wanted to die at home. My goal is to get him home once again. I still ask for God's will to be done - the Lord knows the future and He will do whatever is best for Ron and I. I trust Him completely with our lives.

I am feeling loss tonight and I don't fear the future, but I am not looking forward to it either. The Lord knows how I am feeling and Jesus so understands the loneliness and heartache that I am experiencing right now. To make matters worse, I backed into my garage door and put big scratches on the bumper of my car. I know it really should not be a big deal, but tonight everything seems to be a big deal.

I have to pray harder and spend more time listening to what God is telling me. I am feeling so overwhelmed by everything. I know I have to take one day at a time and simply trust the Lord with all of my burdens. I know for the moment I am in a valley, but God will make a way for me to climb out of it.

I am fighting some major depression tonight. I know that the Lord is close to the broken hearted and I know He is here with me. I am just suffering from so much sadness and loss right now and feeling very very alone. I have to remind myself that the Lord is with me and will not forsake me. He tells me to fear not neither be dismayed.