Three weeks til surgery

More from Sandy -



First of all I want to let you know that I have heard from Susan. She is waiting for Gene to be moved to a rehabilitation center. She is not home much and not getting alot of sleep, so please keep her and Gene in your prayers.



I just wanted to talk tonight about my surgery. It scares me, but the Lord has assured me He will see me through it and will be with me every step of the way. Last night I sat in front of my computer and cried because I stopped a minute and let self-pity and fear push out the faith and strength that the Lord has provided. I still am wrestling with the fact that "if it's not broke why fix it". Although I know that my colon is not healthy and the Lord led me to this point, being so very human, I keep thinking "what if there's nothing wrong and they take out a part of my body that is o.k." It would actually be easier to accept the surgery if I had pain, or something "not right" with my bodily functions - but this is not the case. Then I have to stop and tell myself that my life is being saved because the Lord led me to the colonoscopy. He knew that I would never have had one done and had refused to have one done 14 years ago when it was suggested to me by my doctor.



I think about how this surgery will change my life and I get fearful. I have been eating everything and anything lately because I know that I won't be able to after surgery. Every once in a while I say goodbye to my colon. This in itself makes me feel sad, but it's diseased and it has to go. I'm just telling it like it is tonight. My feelings have gone all over the place. However (and this is a big huge HOWEVER) I am amazed that I am handling all of this as well as I have for the majority of the time. Being the anxiety ridden person that I am, I have always worried about lumps and pain and imagined the worst. I have actually made myself sick in the past over worry. I can't pat myself on the back for feeling halfway normal at this point - I know the Lord has given me serenity and peace of mind. I slip back to fear every once in a while, and that's when I pick up one of my little books on daily scripture or the Bible and it sets me right back on track again. I get scared sometimes from what people say. My own daughter talked to me about pain after the surgery and that was a set-back. Another set-back this week was when I received a phone call from the hospital's Genetics Dept. concerning my blood test for a cancer gene - the results are not back yet. I have to add here that I know I don't carry that gene - I feel it in my inner most being and know this is coming from God. But when I get fearful and self-centered all thoughts of the Lord get driven out and replaced with anxiety, fear and depression. That's when I stop everything and run to the Lord.



Today I had lunch with a good friend that has had four colon surgeries. She has been such a blessing and has shared so much with me. I thank the Lord for her. She has a friend that had the same surgery done a year ago and she is going to provide me with his phone number because he will share with me all about his "j-pouch". I am grateful for the people that the Lord is putting in my life right now and I know that He is loving me and helping me through them.