Perfect in Weakness

From Sandy -
During the eleven months of Ron's illness, I have demanded many things of God.  I asked for Ron's healing and for Ron to come home.  The Lord answered by healing Ron and allowing him to come home.  However, as you know, Ron landed back in ICU after one week of being home in nine months.  When Ron was laying once again in a hospital bed, I have to admit I questioned the Lord.  Why would He allow Ron to come home for only one week?  Why would He allow Ron to come once again to the brink of death?  The only answers I got from these questions were more questions.  I finally came to the decision that I had to stop asking God for anything and simply trust His will in Ron's life as well as my own.

I have been weak and have had no earthly person to turn to.  This illness as well as my own health, has brought me to my knees.  Many times I have screamed at Jesus to help.  Many times all I could ask for was H E L P!  I would take help in any manner it came in as long as it came from the Lord.  I was truly despairing and struggling to get through each and every day.  But, I found through the suffering that I went through that I was perfect in my weakness.  The Lord was able to talk to me and make me and mold me during the times when I was down.  He was my strength and my shield against all the misery and suffering that I was going through.  The Lord has had my full attention throughout all of this and and I am strong because of Him.  I have had to put my trust in the Lord - not in my own strength.  I have finally been able to get out of God's way and allowed Him to do his perfect work. 

Ron is once again on the road to recovery.  He is off of the ventilator for the most part and his vital signs are doing well - so are his kidneys.  He will probably be going to the Step Down Unit at the hospital and from there back to a Rehab. Center.  Evidently God is not through with Ron yet.  I still believe that the Lord will save his life to save his soul. 

I feel I have learned such a valuable lesson this time around.  Again, the Lord makes perfection out of our weaknesses when we finally are able to surrender to Him and trust Him completely for the outcome.

Some good news

Ron was taken off of the respirator yesterday. Also, a procedure was done to give him a peg tube in his stomach for feeding.  He was put back on the respirator for this procedure. He still has diarrhea, but he does not have pneumonia. He is definitely better. His vital signs have improved and his heart is beating regular once again. I've had no Grim Reapers come around within the past few days to tell me to "let him go". I think that's a good sign. If he continues to get better I foresee another trip to a rehab. center to get him to walk and use his hands and arms. He was able to suck on ice and swallow today. This is another positive action. It's still one day at a time, but there have been some forward trends in the past few days. God is in charge - I trust what He is doing - surely He has something left for Ron to do on this earth because there have been many opportunities for the Lord to have taken him.

I continue to trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not unto my own understanding.

An Awakening

From Sandy -

You know, my marriage to Ron has gone through alot of bumps in the road. Sometimes these bumps were big boulders, other times minor irritations. Ron and I have never been "friends". Maybe we should have never gotten married - who knows. However, we did get married and through all the "stuff" in our marriage, we have stayed together. There was one time I left Ron for three months, and one time he left me for a few months. But, we came back to each other.

It takes a crisis to realize just what you think of someone else. Having never thought of Ron as my friend, I always thought I could live just fine without him. Not having him here at home for all these many months (going on 11 months now), I find that I really do miss him. I have found out that I really do love him and I want the best for him. I have heard music that both of us used to listen to, and the sobs well up in my throat because I remember the special times we have had together. I look at him lying in that hospital bed and I see a gentle person who is fearful and who has been through hell and back. I don't think about the bad times we had in our marriage, I only see the love and the good times that we had.

I tell him constantly how much I love him. I hold his hand and try to assure him that everything will be o.k. I pray with him and tell him that his goal and mine is to get him home.

Right now, Ron has gotten over the pneumonia. His diarrhea is clearing up and his kidneys are working better - so is his heart. He is still on the ventilator, but again I am asking the Lord to get him off of it. I can't listen to what anyone is telling me to do except my heart and the Lord. I find it strange that most of the hospital personnel want me to make a decision to take Ron off of life support. I have been approached on this subject during the past months probably as many as 15 times. I cannot allow anyone to persuade me while Ron is fighting for his life. I must continue to seek the Lord in all decisions I make and honor Ron's will to live.

I love my husband and I miss him. It's funny that it took his horrible illness for me to realize just how much I love him.

I ask the Lord to keep him constantly in His care. I ask the Lord to be his breathing machine, not the ventilator. I ask the Lord to bring him home to me before He brings him home to heaven. I ask the Lord to touch Ron's heart and help him to know that He is Lord and Savior. I ask the Lord to lead Ron to salvation. I ask the Lord for all good things for my husband. May God bless Ron!!!

Change of Plans

From Sandy -

There has been a change in my thinking regarding Ron. One thing great about the Lord, He does allow us to to have our own free will, so we can change our minds.

I have shared that Ron has a fear of dying. He does not want to be taken off of the ventilator to pass away. I asked him and he nodded his head that he wanted to have a tracheotomy so the ventilator would be attached to his throat and not down his throat through his mouth. This would make it much safer for him to be on the vent and more comfortable for Ron. I had a Kaiser bio-ethics person try to talk me into just letting Ron go. I was convinced by him and others until a friend of mine told me that if Ron did not want to die, he should make his own decision about life support. After alot of thinking, tears and prayers, I knew that I could not and would not allow the doctors to take him off of the ventilator to die. I told them they should ask Ron. Ron still is capable of making decisions - he still is alert (unless drugged with morphine) and he responds to yes and no questions. How could I allow him to die when I know he is so fearful of death and I don't think he knows the Lord as his personal Savior.

There's a reason that Ron is still alive. The Lord wants to draw this lost lamb into his fold. He's not done with Ron yet. I know Ron is enduring suffering and misery, but this is his choice. And, I support his choice to live on life support. I prayed with him tonight before he had the procedure for his tracheotomy. He was frightened and I let him know that the Lord would be there to make everything o.k. I have always told him to pray for himself. I have always told him that Jesus loves him and gave his life for him. I don't know if Ron wants to hear this, but I know that I could not live with myself if I did not share salvation with Ron.

Life is still a struggle for both of us, but the Lord is with us. I have learned so much going through these trials. The Lord is with us and has not forsaken us. I trust Jesus to guide us and provide strength, love, hope and peace.

One last thought - I know that my beloved dog Alfie is in heaven and I'll see him again some day.

A broken heart

From Sandy -

I am sitting here tonight feeling vulnerable, alone and totally broken hearted. I tried so hard to keep my dog Alfie alive - I gave him dog aspirin, washed his bedding daily, fed him with food I mixed in a blender and then syringed into his mouth. Alfie was put to sleep last night. I truly loved Alfie and he would have done anything to protect me and our home. He fought valiantly for months with bladder cancer and I am sure it spread. He lost so much weight he was skin and bones and the last two days of his life he could not get up to walk. As much as I hated having to do it, I could not let Alfie suffer any longer, so my daughter, her boyfriend and I took him to the veterinarian hospital where he quietly passed away. I stayed with him through it all and he never seemed to be frightened. He was so much in pain, that I am sure this was the very best thing I could do for him. I miss him and will always remember him. It's so hard to lose a beloved pet and I sit here writing this in tears.

What makes everything worse is the fact that doctors and nurses are looking to me to make decisions about Ron. I am so worn out with all of this and it is just so damned hard to go through everything that I have been through. The doctor is weaning Ron off of the ventilator. Once he is off, I have said for them to not put him back on it. In other words, if he fails breathing on his own, I know he does not want to lie in a hospital bed allowing a machine to breathe for him for months and months on end for the rest of his life. Ron is still very weak, but his lungs are stronger - that's why they are attempting to wean him. His vital signs are more stable and right now the main thing is a horrible diarrhea that he got from being in the hospital and taking so many antibiotics. I will be so happy when Ron can talk again. I never would have dreamed in a million years that I would have to make decisions regarding his life. Hopefully once he is off of the ventilator he can make his own decisions. I still want him to be able to come home. He told me when he was home for one short week that he never wanted to die in the hospital. He wanted to die at home. My goal is to get him home once again. I still ask for God's will to be done - the Lord knows the future and He will do whatever is best for Ron and I. I trust Him completely with our lives.

I am feeling loss tonight and I don't fear the future, but I am not looking forward to it either. The Lord knows how I am feeling and Jesus so understands the loneliness and heartache that I am experiencing right now. To make matters worse, I backed into my garage door and put big scratches on the bumper of my car. I know it really should not be a big deal, but tonight everything seems to be a big deal.

I have to pray harder and spend more time listening to what God is telling me. I am feeling so overwhelmed by everything. I know I have to take one day at a time and simply trust the Lord with all of my burdens. I know for the moment I am in a valley, but God will make a way for me to climb out of it.

I am fighting some major depression tonight. I know that the Lord is close to the broken hearted and I know He is here with me. I am just suffering from so much sadness and loss right now and feeling very very alone. I have to remind myself that the Lord is with me and will not forsake me. He tells me to fear not neither be dismayed.

Heaven

From Sandy -

Experiencing all the ups and downs over the past months and knowing that Ron's condition has worsened, I have turned my thoughts towards the dying process and what greets a soul once it slips away from the body.

Knowing Ron as I do, I know he has always been afraid of death and dying. Now, he is confronting his worst fear. I cannot bring myself to discuss with him the fact that he may be dying. I would not ever want to increase his fears or make things more stressful for him. More than anything, I want Ron to know Jesus as his Lord and Savior. I want Ron to be able to go to love and warmth and joy when he leaves this earth. I want Ron to know the love and peace that is waiting for him. I have said before that Ron is truly experiencing hell on earth and has suffered greatly with one infection after another - one setback after another - and his body is getting tired.

Still - I have hope. I am living Proverbs 3:5-6. These two verses are sustaining me and giving me peace of mind. I do trust in the Lord and I am trying not to force my understanding of the events that have brought Ron and I to this point in our lives. I acknowledge the Lord in every prayer and ask for His will to be done. I have committed Ron unto the Lord and know that He knows what is best for Ron. If Jesus decides to heal Ron - what a blessing that would be! If Jesus wants Ron to be with Him in Heaven - that is even a greater blessing!

I am trying to witness to Ron. I have told him that Jesus loves him and Jesus will help him - all he needs to do is ask through prayer. I don't know if I am getting through to Ron, but as long as Ron is alive and awake, I will tell him about Jesus. Ron's salvation is so important to me. I can't imagine Ron going anywhere but to Heaven. There, his body will be whole and strong and there will be a smile in his heart instead of grimmacing in pain. I will continually pray for Ron to truly get to know Jesus. This has to be the reason that the Lord has kept him alive through all of the setbacks - some way, some how, Ron will get to know his Savior. This I pray for and know that it will happen.

Trusting always in the Lord

From Sandy -

Ron is still in pretty bad condition. His kidneys are not doing well and he has fluid around his lungs. He still has diarrhea and the hospital is keeping him pretty much on morphine for pain. I can't believe everything that has happened to Ron in 11 months. I cannot tell you how much it breaks my heart that he was only home for one week out of these 11 months. He was so thrilled to be home. He was happy and content even though he was weak. Why the Lord allowed him to get so sick after all the months Ron tried to get better is way too much for me to figure out.

I am so depressed over the events that have occurred since the first of October. Ron has progressively gone down hill and has not really made any steps forward. I love my husband so much. I have been married to him for 44 years this December. I can't imagine life without him. We have definitely had our ups and downs, but through everything I have always loved Ron. I honestly don't know if he has ever accepted Jesus as his savior. I sure hope so. I have prayed for that in my most recent prayers. Jesus loves Ron and is just waiting for Ron to accept Him. When Ron leaves this earth, I so want him to know the love and peace waiting for him. I want him to be able to have a healthy youthful body that is not broken and hurting. I want him to be able to smile and laugh instead of grimace and frown with pain. It absolutely devastates to know what Ron is going through right now. I feel so helpless and have come to the point that I don't know what to pray. At this time in my life, I truly have to trust the Lord and know without a doubt that the Lord will do what is best for Ron. It may not be what I desire for Ron, but the Lord knows and I trust Him and only Him. Again, I refer to Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thy own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy path. This verse goes with me every hour of every day. When I get scared and feel lost - this verse gets me through. No - I don't understand why Ron has had to suffer so - but the Lord tells me to trust Him and lean not unto my own understanding. At times I don't know what to do - at these times I need to acknowledge the Lord and He will direct my path.

Anyone who cares to - please pray that Ron knows Jesus as his Lord and Savior. Ron has lived hell down here on earth - when he leaves this earth I hope and pray He will wake up in heaven.

Thy Will Be Done

From Sandy -

Ron is still on a ventilator as of this date. He is running a low grade fever and now he has diarrhea. His heart is beating too rapidly and I'm not sure what else is going on. My heart breaks for Ron. To see him lying in a hospital bed hooked up to all kinds of tubes is a continuation of his nightmarish illnesses. I still don't know what the Lord has in store for Ron. Trying to outguess God is a foolish thing to do. I have tried to do that by thinking that I know God's will for Ron. I am finding out that I don't know what the Lord is going to do. Sometimes faith is just letting go of all the things you want to happen, knowing that if you trust in God, what does happen is a blessing bigger than what you were asking for.

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct Thy path".

I will do this - I will trust the Lord and not try to understand everything. I will acknowledge the Lord in everything I do so that He will direct my path.

I know that the Lord knows what is best. I commit Ron unto God who created him.

Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.