Heavily Burdened

From Sandy -

Today I am feeling heavily burdened. Ron is still in the hospital and yet "another" doctor has told us his opinion concerning Ron's health. This doctor said that Ron's lungs are bad and he doesn't have "years" left. He did not give us a time frame, but in essence he told us that Ron is very weak and very sick with lots wrong with him. However, this doctor did tell us that we could pray - and this could turn things around.

I believe in prayer. I just finished praying today and though I have been feeling depressed, right now I know that the conversation I had with the Lord has lifted me up. I feel lighter as He has lifted some of my burdens - I should say all of my burdens.

I am experiencing loneliness for the first time. Ron and I have never shared alot together - although I do love him so much. I have lots of friends and they have always been a sustaining force throughout my life - no matter what I was going through. Right now I don't have time for friends. I can't make any plans because I never know what is going to happen to Ron. This is my loneliness - being cut off from my friends. I think God has brought me to this place where He alone can sustain me. He alone is my refuge from the despair and loneliness that I am facing. He has not left me in despair because going to Him in prayer changes things. He lifts me up and helps me to find things to rejoice over. It's such a miracle that the Lord can spend so much time with someone such as I. He can love me in spite of my sinfulness. What a miracle when I really think about it. He loves us all that way. We are as numerous as the grains of sand on the seashore - and yet he spends the time and gives the love to each and every one of us. What a friend I have in Jesus!!!

Ron Update

Wow - God works in mysterious ways for sure. Ron is doing well - at first the hospital put him back on the ventilator, but he has been taken off of it. He is getting fed through a tube in his nose and today he looked so much better. He was even exercising his legs and arms. He does not look quite so skeletal because his face was actually filling out. He does not have pneumonia - at first the doctors thought so because of a high white blood cell count. However, this was due to a urinary tract infection not from having pneumonia.

I question the Lord when trials come - it's true that Ron and I have had plenty in the past year and a half. HOWEVER, the Lord used this trip to the hospital so that Ron could get nourishment and regain strength. I know this with all my heart and soul. The Lord knows what He is doing even if we don't. I will never have a perfect faith, but these trials and the despair that I have experienced have played out to bring me closer than ever to the Lord. Oh Haleluliah How I Love My Savior!!

At times I feel so alone on this roller coaster ride with Ron, but I stop and realize that I am never alone. The Lord is always with me to love me, to guide me and to comfort me. How blessed I am to know Him so much better than I ever have before. He is my Savior, my Heavenly Father and my God.

Tired and Weary

Ron was rushed back to the hospital tonight by ambulance. He vomited and aspirated some of it so it went to his lungs. He could get a very bad pneumonia because of this. It seems like I live half of my life in the hospital ER. I am devastated with this setback, but still hang on to faith and hope. I can't let go of them. I am tired and weary, but I am strong - not because of me but because of the Lord. I have questioned God about why Ron has to go through all of this. I don't understand and probably never will. I am just trusting in Him to do what is best for Ron. I am going to pray with all my heart and soul that Ron will get over this setback. I am powerless, but I seek the Power from Jesus Christ.

I hear trials are the food of faith - I just try to endure these trials knowing that at the end of this storm is a rainbow. I will get down on my hands and knees asking the Lord to help Ron, to bless Ron, to keep Ron in His care. I will try to stop and listen to what the Lord has to say. I will ask Him to walk with me continually and to be by Ron's side. I will keep on believing God's word and stand firm in my faith that Ron will come home.

Prayer works - I plan to spend alot of time praying.

Hoping - Always Hoping

From Sandy-

Ron has been moved back to Reche Canyon Rehab. Center. Of course, he does not have a ventilator (what a miracle!!!). He has lost lots and lots of weight and looks like a skeleton (literally). He can talk (another miracle!!!) and he is able to eat by mouth (not so good because he is not eating). I have heard the voice of God and He has told me that Ron will come home. That's always been the goal - for Ron to come home. I don't know how long it will take or how long Ron will live, but he is coming home. I know this by faith.

I continue to lift Ron up to the Lord. Ron needs to eat and get much, much stronger. Again, because the Lord got Ron off of the ventilator, I know He can get Ron to eat and become stronger. I trust the Lord to do this for Ron and for me.

Ron has a month left before MediCal takes over. I am hoping Ron will be home before that time, but it is always God's will - not mine. MediCal will own us. My attorney is going to court on July 14 to petition for Ron and I to have enough money to pay our bills. I have lifted this petition up to the Lord as well as my attorney. I know in my heart that God will grant us enough money to keep our home and pay the bills. This is all I want - this is all we need.

I continue to lean on my Savior, Jesus Christ to touch Ron and lift him up out of that bed. I continue to trust Him to do this. Only the Lord can give me the strength and fortitude to get through this. And, I know that the Lord has touched Ron with His healing and strength. No one knows how long our days are on this earth, but I have asked the Lord to grant Ron at least a year J(or more if He sees fit) to enjoy his home and his cats and dogs. I know this means alot of work on my part if Ron comes home weakened in any way - but, I want to take care of him and allow him to enjoy what life he has left. I know that the Lord is faithful to those who love Him - and I adore Him, so He will do this for me and for Ron.

Trusting God

From Sandy -

I can't believe what a "different" doctor told my family today about Ron. He said that Ron had congestive heart failure; however he could live for years that way. This doctor is a "palliative care" doctor. Palliative care is care focused on pain, symptoms and stress of serious illness. It is essentially one step above hospice. This doctor told us that Ron did not qualify for either palliative care or hospice. Needless to say, I don't know whom to believe. Ron has had five different doctors oversee his illness since he has been at Kaiser (4 weeks now). There is not one doctor that oversees everything going on with Ron. Each doctor does things differently and sees things differently. The doctor Ron had over the weekend said Ron was essentially dying - in the last stages of congestive heart failure. The palliative care doctor said Ron was not dying. He was sick and would need to get stronger but he could live for years.

I have to trust the Lord throughout Ron's illness. It was nothing short of a miracle that Ron was weaned off of the ventilator after five months of depending on it. I am so weak and so human sometimes - it disappoints me. I want to trust the Lord always in all things, but this is not the case sometimes. I know that God's ways are not our ways and we can't understand everything that God does. I have allowed myself to be swayed back and forth by nurses and doctors - at times doing this has made me doubt that the Lord even listened to me. Today was a different story. I can only maintain my faith and my serenity by trusting in the Lord for the outcome of the horrendous illnesses that Ron has suffered with.

Trusting in the Lord is always the right thing to do. You can never go wrong by putting your faith and trust in the Lord. Earthly beings separate us from our Heavenly Father - it is so important to listen to Him and tune the rest of the world out. He is the Great Physician - our Creator - We can hope in the Lord from henceforth and forever.

Being weary and feeling down

From Sandy -

Went to see Ron again today. He still looked very weak - although better than yesterday. It's amazing how much love I feel for him right now. The thought of losing him is absolutely devastating to me. I have been married to this man for 44 years. What would life be without him? He has always been there it seems. The major part of my life has been spent with him. Yes - we have had a rocky marriage and we both have done things to our marriage vows that neither one of us are proud of. In younger days, I was stupid and wanted to get even with him for being an alcoholic. It's amazing that I waited until he actually got sober to do this. He also moved out of our home and lived in Las Vegas for a while - less than a year. Now, all I feel for Ron is amazing love. I love him so much. I am so glad that the Lord allowed us to iron out our differences and still remain together. Ron has always been so unselfish in the ways he has given to myself and our two children. He is a good man who has a heart of gold for other people. He loves animals so much and the ones we have mean so much to him. I so want to bring him home so he can spend time with his animals. Yes - he has alot wrong healthwise with him, but I feel driven to find a way to bring him home. Whether these be his last days or not, he needs to be home.

I honestly wonder if the Lord has decided to teach both Ron and I lessons regarding our marriage. Since we both broke marriage vows (which are sacred), I wonder if he has decided to punish us. I'm sorry, I am not feeling spiritual tonight. Please Lord forgive me. I have prayed so hard and hoped so much and trusted so much. I will have to wait and see what the outcome is from all of this. I still love the Lord with all my heart and soul, but I ask "why?" I plead for healing in Ron's body. I feel tired and let down and very weak right now.

Forgive me everyone for my honesty. All Christians have their ups and downs. I continually think of Job and what he went through. I will always love my Lord and Savior - and I commit my precious husband onto His care. It hurts, this really hurts. That's all I can say right now.

Hope to be more cheerful in a later post - but you need to know that right now I am weak and very very human.

Update

From Sandy -

Not going to say much tonight. I am feeling a little (actually alot) down. Ron looked worse today and the doctor is suggesting Hospice. I can't believe this. I continue to pray for the Lord to step in and heal Ron. The doctor told me he was very ill with many things wrong with him. He has congestive heart failure, bad lungs, high blood pressure and erythmia (sp. ) heartbeats. I continue to turn Ron over to the Lord and ask Him to heal him. I still feel Ron will come home. I just pray the Lord will give him a chance to come home and see all of his animals and feel the comfort of home.

We needs lots of prayers. Ron needs lots of prayers.

Seeing the beginning of the rainbow

From Sandy -

Just wanted to share a few words tonight about how I am feeling. It's not just feelings that I have - it's knowing that the Lord is working in Ron's life and lifting him off of that bed of infection, weakness, and illness. Ron is still in the hospital. He is still off of the ventilator. The Lord has answered my prayers by being Ron's ventilator. He is the one that is giving Ron the strength to breathe - Ron no longer needs the support of a machine. He does get oxygen, but that's no big deal compared to the ventilator. Ron's bowel obstruction has passed and he is starting to take clear liquids. Kaiser Hospital in Fontana has been very good to him. The doctors want to make sure Ron is eating on his own and having no secretions in his chest before they move him to Reche Canyon. I know that soon Ron will be coming home. This is such a wonderful gift - Ron's life. I keep praying that throughout this ordeal Ron has had the time to think about the Lord. I so want Ron to know Jesus as I do.

Hebrews 11:1 says "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen". I have hoped for so many things during these past months - and I know that although I can't See the conclusion of all these many months of crisis - I am assured by God's love and his Word and the Holy Spirit that the crisis is winding down. There are better days ahead.

Hebrews 11:6 "But without faith it is impossible to please Him: for he that cometh to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him".