God is truly our Heavenly Father

Ron left this earth to be with the Lord three and a half weeks ago.  I cannot tell you how many times grief has gripped my heart over the past few days and weeks.  I miss him and wanted so much more for him.  I have guilt because he didn't make it back home where he wanted to die.  He begged me not to let him die in the hospital.  He was always so weak and sick, and needed so much to help him breathe and get nutrition - I couldn't bring him home.  But I will always regret the fact that I didn't bring him home.

I have gone through so many different feelings since Ron's passing.  I have been relieved that he is not suffering any longer.  I miss him and want to tell him things and can't.  My heart aches for him and I wanted him to find happiness here on earth - I question whether he was happy over the past few years.  I'm scared of being by myself and facing decisions by myself.  I grieve for the love Ron and I once had.  When we were married 44 years ago, I loved him so much that it hurt.  I couldn't stand to be away from him for one minute.  My love was genuine and pure.  As the years went by- love changed.  It was not as intense, but Ron became my partner, the father of my children, my friend, and someone whom I wanted the very best for.  Ron had issues and sometimes he was definitely a closed and locked book that no one could open.  I knew Ron and yet I didn't know him. 

I went to church on Sundays and Ron stayed home and watched sports on t.v. on Sundays.  Ron was a godly man and did so much during his life for others.  But, he never revealed to me his thoughts on loving the Lord.  I know he respected God and he was baptised as a child, but I never really knew where Ron stood with God.  I asked him about Jesus and he said he knew all about him.  He told me he accepted him as his Savior and I am believing that he did. 

However, I am one to seek answers and have a finality to everything.  I just have to share something wonderful that came to me last Saturday evening.  Our church has a service on Saturdays and because I was going to be unable to attend church on Sunday, I attended on Saturday evening.  There were lanterns placed throughout the church and one lantern up in the front was lit - the others were not.  Our pastor shared that the one lit was a flame that had actually been brought from Bethlehem.  The other lanterns were then lit by this one flame.  Lights were turned off and our pastor asked us to meditate and spend time with the Lord.  While I was doing this a small whisper came to me and said "It is enough to say I have him".  Now I knew exactly what my Heavenly Father was saying - He told me to stop seeking answers to "why" everything happened as it did with Ron and to know that Ron is now with Jesus.  I know this and believe it with all my heart because the Lord told me in his most quiet and loving way.