Love

From Sandy -

I never thought I would live long enough to consider myself a burden to someone else. Well - guess that idea is changing. I won't tell you how old I am (pride I guess). But I know I have become a problem for my daughter. I have a son and daughter and my daughter has been there for me through the thick and thin of the past two years. These two years have been "nightmarish" to myself and then to Ron. My daughter has been there through everything and has been someone I could bounce ideas off of and also lean on. This probably was not the right thing for me to do, but I did lean on Lisa. Tonight I have come to the conclusion that I am burdening my daughter and it is affecting her mental health. She is not able to take on my problems, her problems, and her Dad's problems.

She informed me tonight that I was a "drama queen". She let me know that I was burdening her with my problems and she had enough problems of her own. She has been there for me and she has supported me, and it has been almost two years now that there has been a problem with me (the colon surgery) and then her Dad (the heart attack and on-going illnesses stemming from the heart attack). She has to work five days a week and told me that I was able to get up when I wanted to and not have to worry about a job. This is true - I don't work and have not been able to since the bank I worked at was closed. It seemed that after this happened, everything in my life and Ron's life went from good to bad. I found out I needed surgery - had the surgery - after recuperating from the surgery Ron had his heart attack and here we are a year from the time Ron was initially hospitalized. Today is December 18 and Ron was hospitalized with his heart attack last year on December 22.

I love Lisa so much and guess I am being a baby about being told I am a drama queen. I have tried to hold it all together - as has Lisa. We are both worn out and tired. Our lives have been drained due to the pain and suffering we have witnessed with Ron's health. I need to get over my self pity and get on with life.

But, tonight I am feeling so alone. I know for sure that I am not alone. I always have the Lord. He is with me right now while I am feeling sorry for myself. He knows the struggles I am going through and He will see me through them. Sometimes I think it is beneficial to break down and cry over all the pain, hurt, and suffering that has so deeply affected myself and my family. I love my daughter so very very much and any time I consider myself to be a problem to her, it genuinely affects me. I want to be the best Mother - not one that is a burden. I want to love and support and lift up - not tear down and cause hardship and pain. I am struggling tonight. Tomorrow is another day and things will be different. One thing for sure - nothing in life ever stays the same.

Ron is back at Reche Canyon Rehab. Center. Everyone is very good to him there and were glad to see him. I feel he is loved there and that's such a blessing in itself. Ron is also doing well. He is off of the ventilator, but he has lots of secretions in his lungs so he has to be suctioned alot. He also is on the peg tube and that is how he is being fed. The goal is still to get him home. He may never be able to eat regular food again if at all - but I know the Lord will take care of him. Ron's wish is to come home and eventually pass away at home. My desire is to fulfill his wish. I trust the Lord with all my heart and soul and although God knows what Ron and I want - I trust the Lord's will to be what is best for everyone.

I just ask Jesus to walk with me and guide my thoughts and actions as I seek to do His will and honor His commandments. We are to love one another and forgive and I pray that I never become so self-centered that it blinds me to how I might be negatively affecting someone else.

Serenity

From Sandy -

Ron is stable, but not off the ventilator. He looks healthy and his vital signs are good. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but today he is doing well.

There's been a change in Ron. He smiles instead of frowns and he doesn't seem to be as anxious as he once was. He wants to come home but he understands it will take time.

There is a serenity that envelops Ron that I have never seen before. He can't talk to me, but I think the Lord is making Himself known to Ron. Ron has indicated to me that he prays for himself. I told him there were many people praying for him and the Lord would listen to his prayers for help as well. Ron smiles at the nurses and always seems happy to see me. This has not always been the case. Many a time I would find Ron frowning and angry. I know that the Lord is working and moving in Ron's life. Ron has faced death several times in the past year. Yet, he pulls through - God has something in store for Ron and it will be great. Ron is fighting for his life and now he knows that the Lord is there to help him. He knows he is not fighting alone.

God bless Ron and keep him in His care!!!

The Lord is working

I know that I have shared with you how many times nurses, doctors, hospital employees and even Lisa have told me to make a decision regarding Ron's care and life. Of course, Lisa has a legitimate cause because she does not want to see her Dad suffer. Anyway, Doctor Shah came by (he is the Pulmonologist that has been seeing Ron and I really really like and respect him) and wanted to know how Ron was doing. I was in the room and I asked Doctor Shah if he would ask Ron what he wanted - life support - full code which is breathing on a ventilator, heart resuscitation, tube feeding, etc. etc. Ron told him (mouthed it and used his head to answer yes or no) and indicated that he does want full cardiac support if his heart stops and he also wants to be kept on the ventilator even if it means spending the rest of his life in the hospital. He emphatically let the doctor and I know that these were his wishes. Dr. Shah said he would immediately document this in Ron's chart. I have had so many people asking me to make a decision on Ron's life, and now Ron answered for himself and I don't have to be questioned any further. You cannot imagine what a relief this is. I could never make a decision whether Ron live or die - this is totally up to him because he has full faculty of his senses. I feel that this was a blessing from God and a burden lifted off of my shoulders. I am so glad that I asked the Doctor and he was able to communicate with Ron. Ron is o.k., but still on the ventilator. I think they are afraid to take him off after what happened with his latest Code Blue. His heart rate, blood pressure and oxygenation are all in the normal range, so now we just wait to see what God has in store for Ron. Ron loves the Lord and indicated that he does pray for himself. This is something wonderful and the Lord is working on Ron. God bless Ron Briddick and keep him in His care!!!

Flat-lined

From Sandy -

Ron flat-lined this afternoon. His heart rate kept dropping. He was put back on a ventilator after having been taken off. I witnessed him flat-lining and I screamed "he's dying". A code blue was called and a dozen doctors and nurses came in. They wanted to know if I wanted him resuscitated. I screamed "yes" "yes". How could I allow him to die before my eyes. A nurse pounded him on the chest and he came back. They think he had another heart attack, but only the blood tests will tell for sure.

One thing I have learned from all of this - no matter what Ron and I have been through or put each other through in our marriage, I love him with all my heart and all my soul. I love this man whom I have spent 43 years with. I love this man who is the father of my children. I love him and I have to turned him over to the Lord. I still don't understand what this is all about because on Wednesday the doctor was talking about sending him back to Reche Canyon for rehab. Ron was able to talk to me at that time and was asking me questions about home and his dogs and cats. He was doing so well - and then, today he actually died for a few moments. I have a horrible headache right now and I am just numb. It is actually very therapeutic for me to share my experiences with you. Thank you for reading these posts.

I am eternally with the Lord. The Lord is eternally with Ron. I asked Ron tonight if he had accepted Jesus as his personal Savior and he said "yes". Haleluliah - Ron is saved. I still have hope although it has received a serious blow today. I always have faith - truthfully, I don't understand why the highs and lows in Ron's illness, but I will always trust the Lord.

Our Father who art in heaven, hallow would be thy name. Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgives us our sins as we forgive those who have sinned against us. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil for thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever - a-men.

Perfect in Weakness

From Sandy -
During the eleven months of Ron's illness, I have demanded many things of God.  I asked for Ron's healing and for Ron to come home.  The Lord answered by healing Ron and allowing him to come home.  However, as you know, Ron landed back in ICU after one week of being home in nine months.  When Ron was laying once again in a hospital bed, I have to admit I questioned the Lord.  Why would He allow Ron to come home for only one week?  Why would He allow Ron to come once again to the brink of death?  The only answers I got from these questions were more questions.  I finally came to the decision that I had to stop asking God for anything and simply trust His will in Ron's life as well as my own.

I have been weak and have had no earthly person to turn to.  This illness as well as my own health, has brought me to my knees.  Many times I have screamed at Jesus to help.  Many times all I could ask for was H E L P!  I would take help in any manner it came in as long as it came from the Lord.  I was truly despairing and struggling to get through each and every day.  But, I found through the suffering that I went through that I was perfect in my weakness.  The Lord was able to talk to me and make me and mold me during the times when I was down.  He was my strength and my shield against all the misery and suffering that I was going through.  The Lord has had my full attention throughout all of this and and I am strong because of Him.  I have had to put my trust in the Lord - not in my own strength.  I have finally been able to get out of God's way and allowed Him to do his perfect work. 

Ron is once again on the road to recovery.  He is off of the ventilator for the most part and his vital signs are doing well - so are his kidneys.  He will probably be going to the Step Down Unit at the hospital and from there back to a Rehab. Center.  Evidently God is not through with Ron yet.  I still believe that the Lord will save his life to save his soul. 

I feel I have learned such a valuable lesson this time around.  Again, the Lord makes perfection out of our weaknesses when we finally are able to surrender to Him and trust Him completely for the outcome.

Some good news

Ron was taken off of the respirator yesterday. Also, a procedure was done to give him a peg tube in his stomach for feeding.  He was put back on the respirator for this procedure. He still has diarrhea, but he does not have pneumonia. He is definitely better. His vital signs have improved and his heart is beating regular once again. I've had no Grim Reapers come around within the past few days to tell me to "let him go". I think that's a good sign. If he continues to get better I foresee another trip to a rehab. center to get him to walk and use his hands and arms. He was able to suck on ice and swallow today. This is another positive action. It's still one day at a time, but there have been some forward trends in the past few days. God is in charge - I trust what He is doing - surely He has something left for Ron to do on this earth because there have been many opportunities for the Lord to have taken him.

I continue to trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not unto my own understanding.

An Awakening

From Sandy -

You know, my marriage to Ron has gone through alot of bumps in the road. Sometimes these bumps were big boulders, other times minor irritations. Ron and I have never been "friends". Maybe we should have never gotten married - who knows. However, we did get married and through all the "stuff" in our marriage, we have stayed together. There was one time I left Ron for three months, and one time he left me for a few months. But, we came back to each other.

It takes a crisis to realize just what you think of someone else. Having never thought of Ron as my friend, I always thought I could live just fine without him. Not having him here at home for all these many months (going on 11 months now), I find that I really do miss him. I have found out that I really do love him and I want the best for him. I have heard music that both of us used to listen to, and the sobs well up in my throat because I remember the special times we have had together. I look at him lying in that hospital bed and I see a gentle person who is fearful and who has been through hell and back. I don't think about the bad times we had in our marriage, I only see the love and the good times that we had.

I tell him constantly how much I love him. I hold his hand and try to assure him that everything will be o.k. I pray with him and tell him that his goal and mine is to get him home.

Right now, Ron has gotten over the pneumonia. His diarrhea is clearing up and his kidneys are working better - so is his heart. He is still on the ventilator, but again I am asking the Lord to get him off of it. I can't listen to what anyone is telling me to do except my heart and the Lord. I find it strange that most of the hospital personnel want me to make a decision to take Ron off of life support. I have been approached on this subject during the past months probably as many as 15 times. I cannot allow anyone to persuade me while Ron is fighting for his life. I must continue to seek the Lord in all decisions I make and honor Ron's will to live.

I love my husband and I miss him. It's funny that it took his horrible illness for me to realize just how much I love him.

I ask the Lord to keep him constantly in His care. I ask the Lord to be his breathing machine, not the ventilator. I ask the Lord to bring him home to me before He brings him home to heaven. I ask the Lord to touch Ron's heart and help him to know that He is Lord and Savior. I ask the Lord to lead Ron to salvation. I ask the Lord for all good things for my husband. May God bless Ron!!!